Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My daughter was a mess yesterday, I am scared to death. We went shopping yesterday with daughters grandma, I thought it would do her good and maybe brighten her mood,NOT! If she did not want her grandma to see or everyone at the mall she would have had a full blown anxiety attack,She kept saying she was freaking out.I could see it,rapid breathing,shaky, on the verge of tears. I am at a loss.When we got home she was better,went in her room. About an hour later I told her we had to go to the grocery store,she became belligerent,nasty.She had a very angry dark look in her eye. after we got home it continued, I felt almost scared like I did not know her. So I had to take our new puppy out and I made her go with me.We were still arguing,and she blurted out something about wanting to die.I lost it,broke down in tears,hugged her and cried.Just what I was avoiding.Now she says "see thats why I didnt want to tell you because I cant stand to see you cry",She calmed down a bit after that, she told me earlier that morning she checked the medicine cabinet to see if I really hid all the medication.There was alka seltzer plus cold medicine in there,oops and how I know she really did check is because she told me there was a warning on the package and recited it to me exactly(I checked on the package).She also described it as white big pills(they are the ones you dissolve in water) Uggg.She also told me she is terrified that "he" is going to hurt her,out of revenge,even though he and his family are 10 hours away.I explained that it is not going to happen.She thinks that since the grandparents live up here they may come and surprise them and what if we are there at the time. Then what about when they are both grown? She thinks that he will find her.She thinks he is mad that she told and that he got in trouble.I told her something that I think now was a mistake,I told her he didn't get in trouble,and that is the truth.But maybe that was a mistake.But she is terrified. Not long after that she calmed down, we watched a movie and she was pretty much back to normal,I don't even know what to think.Her grandma did mention him a couple times yesterday,not him specifically but his family.She was telling me how they are driving down to Florida and how they are going to stop there on the way down for a visit. Also his mother called during breakfast (we ate out with them),I wonder if her grandparents are a trigger,we were there to pick her up yesterday for shopping.I am pretty sure I am going to take her to our Childrens Hospital today,they will give her a full psych exam.Even though we have an appt tomorrow at a childrens mental health facility I trust the hospital to know if it will be a good fit. She is in such agony and I don't know what to do,She is not my daughter and I am scared to death,up one minute,down the next,crying and angry the next.I am so scared.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for having "pushed" your daughter to go out. If this were non-trauma-based depression, it would probably be advisable to get out in the sun, and to walk, but we are not hard-wired to understand life from the perspective of trauma. With trauma, what once seemed like normal fun can become a source of panic and terror. I have not seen the fear of malls and cameras addressed in any of the lists of possible indicators that a child has been sexually abused. Sometimes we parents learn where our own children's wounds are by inadvertently stepping right on them. It's horrible. But you are not at all to blame, and you may be able to help restore your daughter to calm by figuring out smaller, less public ways to soothe her.
About her fears about him coming to hurt her in the future, well that is completely normal for PTSD it is a perceived threat that will continue to nag at her until she becomes more grounded and feels more safe in her own skin... I used to freak out on a regular basis that my father was planning on killing me... But now I've been with my trauma counselor for so many years I have come to a place in my life when I'm not so lost in PTSD hell and i rarely ever think about my father and i am not afraid of him trying to hurt my anymore... Three years ago there would be no person on this planet who could convince me that he wasn't going to kill me for telling his secrets... Now I feel proud and strong for overcoming this fear and it does not effect me in the same way....
Just keep loving your daughter deeply, just keep telling her that you know you failed to protect her in the past but that now you are never gonna let that happen again and that you are gonna protect her from him and anyone else that wants to hurt her, including herself...!!!
And remember, have your cries let it out get your hurt and confusion and sadness out out out...!!! But do it away from your little girl...!!! Get yourself a trauma counselor... You have to understand that you are being traumatized as well, you are a secondary victim, you need someone to talk to that can understand what your daughter is going through as well as what you are going through... Getting a counselor will only make you stronger and you will be better equipped to help your daughter through this PTSD hell that she is stuck in now...!!!
Best wishes for you and your daughter... I'm sending you lots of good healing energy...!!!
One I use a lot is when my child is upset I will place my hand on thier back for comfort sit quietly and ask how do you feel? Then I listen and after a few minutes I ask does it feel a little better, little worse or the same this forces them to be ground themselves in that they have to check in with their body and I keep going until the answer is better. Now with a panic attack I don't know if this would work and maybe a different technique would work. When working on ptsd issues we were given,in therapy many tools, breathing exercises, mind exercises etc to help. I let my daughter pick what she thinks she wants to try... She is stubborn and sometimes I just say well if none of those you want to try than you think,of something and let me know if it works. I hope she gets some good tools in therapy and things start to improve its a journey for sure but it won't always be this way. Great advice above... You are an amazing mom keep up the good work and be blessed!!!