Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
It's been 11 years since I first posted my story here. Reading my previous posts has brought back all kinds of memories that I've blocked out. 11 years later and everything has came back to haunt me and I just wanted to share my story in case it helps someone else.
In Dec 2011, we discovered my step-son had molested my 5 year son. A few weeks later, stepson disclosed that he had also done inappropriate things with my 7 year old and multiple cousins. All was reported. I fought my then husband for years to keep stepson out of our home. I fought for years to get stepson treatment. Ultimately it lead to a divorce. I've been treated like the bad guy in all of this for 12 years now. I've been told to get over it, I've been told that by me not letting it go, that I've made it all worse. I've been gaslighted for over a decade! All these years I thought I did something wrong by not letting this abuse go. Even my own kids have made me feel crazy for making this a bigger deal than it should've been.
Two weeks ago we got the call that my now ex-nephew had killed himself. It was completely devastating to my children and myself. A few days later they found the nephew had kept a journal where he wrote about the terrible things my stepson had done to him all those years ago. The same things that I reported myself to CPS. The same things I made it a point to talk to my ex sister-in-law about and advised her to get her son help. The same things that for over a decade I was made to feel horrible about not forgetting. Now I have to live with the fact that I should've done more for not just my kids, but all his other victims. Nobody else believes the abuse is what caused the nephew to kill himself. They blame his gf and drugs and anything else. But I know deep down that the abuse was the beginning of his trauma and it's breaking me.
I always knew the truth would eventually come out. I even prayed for it. I never wanted it to happen like this though.
Please let this be the post that someone needs to see in order to keep fighting for the abused. Never let anyone, not even licensed counselors, convince you that sexual abuse at a young age can be forgotten and forgiven. Never let a day go by that you don't remind your child that their abuser is the one who is wrong, and that they are always allowed to talk about it.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. My adult nephew also killed himself a year-and-a-half ago. I suspect he was molested at some point in his life, because he followed a trajectory similar too my daughter's: thwarted educational goals, drug abuse, depression, bad relationships and dark interests. He also was unsure of his sexuality and feared he would be rejected if he came out. Not all sexual uncertainty is the product of abuse, but drug activity and suicidal thoughts/actions are almost inevitable without a gigantic course of intervention. Meaning....you could not save your nephew from what his parents refused to consider.
I fully understand the horror of this situation, the disbelief that you can't do anything to help ever again. The wish that you'd been closer. The wish that the deceased had opened up to you. But we know how difficult that has been for our own children.
I'm sure your SIL is feeling beyond lost, empty and guilty right now. The knowledge that someone "told you so" may make her feel unworthy of sympathy, and she might feel ashamed to accept your help because you were the one who told her. However, it might help you both if you can focus your thoughts and efforts on supporting SIL. You know you'd want that if you'd been in her position -- if you'd been unable to accept the possibility that your children had been wounded in this way. Because it is a gigantic leap for all of us to believe that we couldn't protect our children from someone who made it his/her business not to get caught. So, despite your efforts to convince her before, she's now facing not only the loss of her son, but also a posthumous disclosure; she can do nothing about any of it, ever again. You couldn't help your nephew without SIL's consent.
I hope I don't sound preachy. I'm just thinking that it will go a long way toward healing your guilt and anger if you give your SIL the support that you wish you'd had all these years. No one will be as good a listener and hugger as you, a fellow traveler whose forgiveness and support will mean more to SIL because you, truly, do "get it."
Many, many hugs from me to you.