Ugh... I go into church in high spirits thinking I've got my anger with God under control Today is gonna be great I am gonna sing and listen and blah blah blah... I went to sunday school this morning in an amazing mood seeing as I was on time (well not really but people weren't back in the classroom from getting donuts so that counts as me being on time). Then we started discussing how God told Moses and move and he did. God led the Isrealites to a deadend with the Pharor and the Egyptians right on their tails. Well pastor's wife (who helps pastor lead the bible study) started talking about how we have trials in our lives that we don't understand but we just have to suck it, have faith and believe God will see us through it..................... She kept talking about how we have families in our church that are struggling and everytime she would say something that pertained to my situation she would kinda of hesitate and try to find her words. UGH... i am not 100% sure if she knows but all the pastors in my church know so I am assuming because we belong to a very small church and pastor is her husband. They are allowed to share things. I dont mind if she knows but I don't know just the way she was talking was super... werid. Then we broke and went to service and by that point i was done. I just wanted to walk out of there. The other family with the similar situation sat right behind me (*Lindsay (mom) and *Ryan's mom (perps mom) well perps mom was the loudest singer during worship. speaking in tongues, singing extra parts in the instrumental parts of songs. like really super feeling it. Then i started hearing lindsay singing and i just got so mad. How are they doing so much better than I am? She doesnt have a husband anymore, how is she able to stand there and praise god but i am on the verge of walking out never to return. Then the music stopped and pastor did his weekly prayer. he asked a family who is moving away to go to the front and a young guy who is leaving for basic training to come up front. The church prayed over them and loved and supported them. My husband leaves in a very very short time, like he wont be back to church in months, ok i get that they didnt know his date changed but daggone it god did and i still didnt have the support of my church family. I am not blaming pastor because he did ask god to look over and protect the others who were gearing up to leave in the next few weeks but dang man. I dont want attention but i just want god to be on my side for once through this. Instead have leaving us to find out years after the abuse started, taking my husband away and putting him in a war zone so he can worry about his life and what is going on with our situation, and then not showing me the support through my church when I asked him to right before pastor started praying. silly me using that faith again. just to get shot down. I am soooooooo sick of hearing there is a plan in all of this. i am at the point where i dont even want to know anymore. I am so sick of putting on face and then having to lead kids through their walk, i am sick of having to put on face to just walk through the door and then when i am honestly feeling it and not putting on a face I am actually happy then i walk through those doors and i am just pissed and hurt and broken and lost. I know god has blessed me repeatedly in my life but i am asking him to show me his love the way i need him to and i, as an angry christian, can see! Nothing............ i hate bad days and i hate sundays. So sick of always feeling defeat. 

Sorry about this whoa is me posted but I needed to get it off my chest. Not sure if it makes sense but this is me. Raw and real. Welcome to the crazy!