Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

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/ Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Support Group

Such frustration

maDeLo
maDeLo

Back story: Jason (my childrens abuser and my biological father) has been sentenced to 16 years in prison with no early release in one out the three counties he is being charged in which will make him 75 by the time he gets out for that term. This was a plea deal he got after a verbal and written confession upon his arrest. 


So our prosecutor called me on Tues to discuss what my husband and I were comfortable with when it comes to plea deals. Two options: 15 years to life in prison (which he and his attorney are not going to go with) or a set number of years in prison (which is what he wants so he knows when he is going to get out). I am told that if we are unable to agree on a plea deal we will have to take it trial and the girls (my daughter and my niece) will have to take the stand to testify.


I get off the phone with the prosecutor and called my husband. My husband is just fine with the life sentence. He feels he deserves it as do I but I dont want to go for that because I dont want the girls to testify. My husband says he will not be happy with anything less than 16 years. I call the prosecutor back and relay what my husband said. The prosecutor said that Jason's goal is to get alittle bit of life out of prison before he dies so he wont agree to 16 years. So from what I understand at each sentencing her is going to get fewer and fewer years added onto what he already has. 


What pisses me off is we are again letting him make the choices. How is that even fair? Why do we have to lay down and let him make the desicions? It is crap. He does not have a good track record of good choices but yet we have to give him what he wants or our girls have to face him again and tell strangers what happened to them again?!?!?! NO! I do not want to lay down and take it but I want to protect my daughter and niece. How do I do that without making them have to face him? I am so lost and pissed and just sick to my stomach that he is yet again getting what he wants with no regard to others wants! He is so effing selfish! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! He should have NO say what so ever when it comes to his sentencing! It pisses me off that he is getting what he wants when our young girls didnt get what they wanted when he was abusing them. They didnt want him to touch them the way he did. My daughter certainly did not want him to effing rape her! He should have NO say in any of this. I am livid! I just cant calm down when I am thinking about it and I just cant get rid of this sick feeling that I am failing my daughter either way it goes. She doesnt get justice because he is getting to make the descions or she has to take the stand. He set us up to fail and I am him so much for that! I HATE HIM!

Naive1.2
Naive1.2
There seems to be no true resolution to this crime. Our kids always lose, even if the perpetrators are arrested/prosecuted/convicted. And it does seem as if the law is stacked on the side of the guilty, that they get to dictate the terms of their own punishment.

If it's 16 years, it's 16 years. Fellow inmates are notoriously rough on those who are in for child sexual abusers. He is going to suffer.
hopefulmama
hopefulmama
I think it is a personal decision,there are many who would love to get 1year.Too many go free.I understand your husband's state of mind,mine is the same.When we first found out he was convinced his nephew would do time in juvy,get therapy ect.He was shocked to hear nothing happened.talk to your husband and let him know the real statistics on punisment.He has no idea how lucky you are.
momtea5
momtea5
MadeLo.. our stories sound very familiar. My husband is currently in jail awaiting trial. He is being charged in 3 counties as well. He too has confessed. I completely understand your pain and anger. You are justified in those feelings. It is not fair to our babies who have suffered. As for sentencing you go with your gut mama. If you think 16 is the right number then that is what you tell them. I know having your babies testify is that last thing you want, but I do not think letting him dictate how much time he gets is right either. Our prosecutor posed the question about how much time I though my husband should get. I had real trouble answering that. But then she said "how old do you want your daughter to be when he is realeased?" I thought that was a very interesting way to look at it. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I am here if you ever need to talk.
Naive1.2
Naive1.2
Sounds like a very enlightened prosecutor, Momtea5.
musicmommy
musicmommy
Oh my. This REALLY hits home for me. My ex husband (my daughter's abuser) was offered almost the exact same options, as were her father and I. I'll never forget it. Her abuser was accused of rape, which in my state includes digital penetration, which is what occurred. The sentence for that is 15 to life. The prosecutor offered us two options: we accept the defendant's plea of 3-11 years with no chance of parole, or we go to trial and he gets a minimum of 15 years (and potentially life). The evidence was overwhelming so we knew he would be found guilty in. A trial. However, and I urge you to consider this, both her father and I opted to take the plea and spare our little girl the trial. I am so glad we did. The abuse and rape exam were so traumatic for her - I can't imagine having to put her through more. She was able to start healing and we went through a bunch of therapy right afterwards he got arrested. If we would've opted to try to put him away for longer, I have no doubt in my mind that it would've torn my family apart. I can't imagine the pain of putting your child on the stand to relive her nightmare in front of a crowd, and my heart breaks for every mom who has had no choice but to witness that very thing. I'm sorry to be so callous, but at this point, who cares about her abuser? Screw him. Take care of your daughter. Spare her the pain. If you want to talk more, please message me. I'm happy to discuss. I'm so very, very sorry you have to make this decision, you don't deserve it. It's not fair.
musicmommy
musicmommy
Please also keep in mind that many prosecutors won't even allow children to go through therapy until AFTER their trial, based on the belief that it will mess up their testimony. Makes me sick!