I know others with more similar experiences will have more wisdom to offer. I just wanted to put out my hand to you in support. I think it would be unrealistic to expect you NOT to have days like this, especially so close to an anniversary (your parents' goodbye), and to a holiday -- and both at once. You are very brave to meet with people you haven't seen in a while given the circumstances. Deep breaths -- you can get through this.

Ozmum. I have felt that pain. And I still do at times. It does get better with, time, counseling and grieving. I spent a good year grieving the loss of my son. The rest of my family let go shortly after my daughter disclosed. I felt incredibly conflicted that first year. Feeling hate and revulsion for him at times and then such a profound sadness that I would never see, talk to or hug my son again.

The hardest part for me was realizing that the damage was so deep that even if I wanted him in my life it would simply be impossible to do it. I didn't get down to the serious grieving part until my daughter had healed to the point that I no longer feared losing her. Only then could I take a look at what this had done to me as a mother who never really knew her son.

The only decision that you can make has already been made. Your son is a danger to your daughters and you have to put them first. I know you understand this logically but your heart will always tell you something different. Mine did and sometimes still does. A mother always loves her child no matter what. I can't speak for anyone else but there will never be reunification for us. Forgiveness someday, I hope so ...but we can't forget the damage that he caused and the trust that is now forever broken. You will survive...I did.

When your daughters begin to truly heal and move from survivors to thrivers then you will know that you did the right things for all concerned. It just takes time to get there. In the meantime, come here for support , scream , cry and grieve when you need to and continue counseling. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get your happiness back. There is no other way but thru it. You and your family will be okay.

I am so sorry that you must endure this but glad that you came here. Nobody should have to try to heal from this in isolation.

A big hug, Laura

Hello Ladies. I felt so sad and moved and had to dig deep to understand all of this pain. Laura said it with the most profound and tender words that I can only imagine the pain. I have a son that I love so very much and I could never ever imagine letting him go. This did not happen in my house but I was trying to understand it from OZ perspective and how i could ever cope with this tragedy. That was why I responded. To let you know that how ever conflicted you are I am sure you cannot even wrap your head and heart around this situation. I would not be able to. How do you ever choose one child over the other much less with all of this additional conflict, damage and pain. The facts and abuse is what it is. Nothing can change that but the betrayal and trust and extent of what he has done must be unbearable at times. feel like you are just going to have to allow your self these emotions, this grieve and the healing when you are ready and until then you will be numb. It must be like wanting to shake all the bad and wrong out of your son and hope the other son emerges and all is better. I wish that were possible. And I can admit at times I cannot even comprehend in a bahzillion years why my brother in law did what he did, much less if it were my child that was the abuser. You have a great support group here so never be embarrassed or afraid to ask or relate any feelings that are overwhelming. Just knowing that someone like Laura that has overcome many painful situations and can walk in the light must be a comfort to you. Grab onto that life preserver and we will be there to pull you in. Please write and never feel like a "wet blanket" again..we have lots of tissue! I hope you will find some inner peace even if it comes in small doses right now. Never feel alone. You are stuck with us until you decide to leave.

Hi Ladies, thank you so much for your compassion and gentle replies. I'm a bit better today. Have been wondering about ringing the crisis line where we have counselling to talk with whoever is rostered on today. Will see how I go. Different statements and situations are setting me off all over the place. Sometimes I feel under pressure to make a certain decision, but I know that it is something I have to process and it has to be my decision.

cathymathy, I smiled at your comment about being stuck with you until I decide to leave. I'm glad I found you - well, as glad as anyone can be under the circumstances. Also, thanks for the tissues. Certainly went through a lot last night.

We will be enjoying one of the kid's favourite meals tonight - chicken burgers - and watching Catching Fire in front of the fire. It's just starting to be cold enough to justify the fire being lit and we always enjoy that. Tomorrow evening we will be sharing a meal with my parents but I don't always find it easy to be around my dad as that is triggering memories of abuse from my childhood.

Talk more later. Off to enjoy the evening with my family.

Feelings about your son are understandable, he is your son. You'll always love him. Don't feel guilty about your feelings either way. Your daughters need your support so probably best not to mention him to them, but as a mom you love him unconditionally- you just hate what he's done. You will mourn the relationship and you will miss him, but my guess is you'll still love him till you take your last breath. It is a completely different story for step-moms (I have yet to see one maintain the relationship). Biological sons are a completely different story. I always feel for the moms who are a parent to both perp and victim. It has to be devastating.

Betrayed , you are wrong about step moms. I was my son's step mom ( not by choice, in my heart I felt like he was always my son) for many years before I was able to adopt him. I would have adopted him from day one but wasn't able to do it until he became an adult because his bio-mother wouldn't allow it. I could write a book about her. She was a selfish woman who couldn't care less about her son ( she moved out of state very soon after my husband and I married) so I could never understand why she didn't allow the adoption.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I stood in a courtroom with my husband and my adult son and he became my son legally. So please don't judge step moms so harshly. Are you a step mom? Did your son do this to your daughter? Did you adopt any of your children? I don't love my son any less than my daughters and I am tired of your attitude. I backed down before because of you and your cronies' bullying in the past but I won't anymore!!!!!!! And please don't play dumb because I know what you have done behind the scenes.

I agree. We love who we love and it does not have to be by blood. Not sure why that even matters when it comes to our hearts. It is the pain that we feel that is real and the betrayal and the loss of trust. As parents in loving homes and raising children we embrace them and love them and try our best to help them grow. In my own children I have obviously let them down on some level by not keeping them safe. I accept that. My own son loves his step father more than his real father so how can anyone take that or discredit those feelings. For us to judge another is exactly what we do not need on this site. If someone is bullying on this site and using it outside of this site is vicious and nonproductive. We don't have OUR OWN agenda to fill here...we are here for support and hopefully some useful tools for all of us. I stand united with Laura so if any of you COWARDS want to go after me...bring it on....I GUARANTEE NOTHING anyone can say or do will break my spirit. My olw point was disclosure...knowledge is power....so keep your nose clean. Again that is why I doubt christians that hide behind their religion and manage to utilize it to benefit themselves. State your opinion without hurting others. Speak from your heart without using your tongue....and do not prey on anyone that is already vulnerable. Get over yourself and recognize we can make a POSITIVE difference if we truly choose to help rather than hurt....How sad and pathetic. If the shoe fits own it...and wear it. Peace to us all.

Wow! It's really difficult to claim that one type of parent is better than another when the abuse we are concerned about happened (in most of our cases) to our biological children. In many cases, the perpetrator was a full-blooded sibling (such a primitive way to think of it). Mom or step-mom or adoptive mom, this crime happened to people we love the most, to people to whom we have dedicated our lives and whom we were sure were safest in our care. Part of the shock for many on this site is the realization that one of the people they loved the most turned out actually to be a total stranger to them. In my daughter's case the perpetrator was a neighbor. I can't imagine how it feels to discover that someone you've cooked for, helped with homework, done laundry for, taken to the doctor, cheered for on the sidelines, celebrated birthdays and holidays with, read bedtime stories to and kissed goodnight, could commit a crime like this.

Really, there's no room for slicing and dicing the terms of various types of parental/step-parental relationships when it comes to supporting each other. We've already been betrayed by the crime; we need to be true to each other.

If you read what I said regarding step-moms, "I have yet to see one maintain the relationship"
If you know of one you can feel free to say you know one.
As for biological moms, "I have seen many that have maintained a relationship"
I don't bully anyone and my life was just as devastated as yours. I'm sorry if I have empathy for moms to both victim and offender. So whatever......... It doesn't mean I'm a bully or that I support sex offenders
I've bullied you??? " I backed down before because of you and your cronies' bullying in the past but I won't anymore!!!!!!!
I can attest that I love my children unconditionally. No matter what they do in life, I am their mother. I take my role very seriously. I will love my children till my last breath...... no matter what. So I'm not going to tell Ozmum that it's wrong for her to miss her son on the holiday. I'm not going to tell her she's wrong if she writes him off. I simply stated it is a difficult situation when you are the mother. I don't have to agree with you, you don't have to agree with me. So I guess if I'm so awful, I wont say anything so I don't offend you or bully or abuse you. I'm obviously a horrible person.

Sorry that there is some ill feeling. I didn't mean to cause any dissension. This is an issue I have been wrestling with for almost a year now, like I said, and I'm not sure that there is a blanket answer to this situation. There are so many situations atm that are triggering reactions in me - words like "genius", coming across a street with his name, looking at a young man around our son's age, seeing someone who bears any resemblance to him, foods that he enjoyed etc. Last night I couldn't sleep because I kept envisaging what he had done to my beautiful girls and I had to stop myself or I was going to be sick. It is these two extremes of thought and emotion I just can't reason with. I can't imagine abandoning my child completely, particularly given that he has some social challenges (and I'm not talking about the sexual abuse).

I appreciate you taking the time to respond with thought and sensitivity. Some of you can relate to it exactly and others can only imagine. It is the worst pain imaginable. I look at my daughters and see their growing happiness and confidence but the pain in me doesn't subside. It is something that's difficult to talk about within my own family. I don't want to cause my daughters any angst so I try not to talk about him. They know that it is different for me because I am the mother.

Most parents do what they think is best for their children and sometimes that means we clash as parents. I know I've upset a lot of parents over the years with my bluntness and strong convictions. Hoping that I don't offend anyone here and that we can encourage one another in this very painful journey.

Oz, just a final thought. I know those feelings very well. It was hard to not look at my girls and imagine what was done to them. It would make me so incredibly sad...looking at pictures when they were little....unbearable.
I cannot imagine your pain with your son. It is truly heartbreaking. Please write what you are feeling...its your pain and your hurt.....I will never judge you..harsh or not, blunt or not, those feelings have to come out and be understood for you to move forward. We are grown ups, I hope, and once again the pain from these tragedies in our lives have given us strength we never knew was inside. Please let me know how I can help and when you feel like you are falling. We can all help lift you up the best we can, even if we don't agree collectively one of us is sure to connect with your feelings and thoughts on that particular day. Each day is a gift. It allows us another chance to move forward and work on a better tomorrow for our families. May peace be with you and I hope you have an Easter that will help you heal in some small way.

Ohhhhhh boyyyyy. Just read all these posts :-(

Ozmum - I love ya. I hate that this all happened to you and your family. I hate that you were manipulated and betrayed. Peace to you mama.

Betrayed, Laura, Cathymathy, Naive...
Sometimes in my life I have needed to insert foot into my mouth. Better when you admit your mistaken insensitivity than to go on defending your mistake thru n thru. That shows you're not sorry. I hope tho that whatever happened was a mistake - however - I don't know what made you Betrayed, even make that step parent reference when Ozmum not a step parent at all. It appears to me that you anticipated a step parent may be reading your post and you were attempting to discredit any advice from a step parent in Ozmums shoes. I hope that's not what you were up to. I do hope this was all an accident.

Furthermore - I will tell you that I am both an adoptive mom and biological mom. There is NO difference in my love or the ways I will fight for my kids - I'm losing my hair, having PTSD right along w my adoptive daughter and son who appear to be experiencing the greatest trauma in our home. Love is love. Please don't tell anyone of is that our love for a child is discounted for the ways he or she arrived into our family. Please, I hope it was not your intention to offend step parents and non biological parents all the same. I too am team Laura :-)

Ozmum, those triggering thoughts can knock the wind out of you. I also have associations now with certain words, and even numbers, and hearing them in conversation makes my heart drop, and completely distracts me to the point where I have to ask a person to repeat what he/she just said. Of course, I can't honestly explain my distractedness. I hate not feeling completely able to be honest with people anymore. Its what our children accepted as normal, and learned to suppress as much as possible in order to get about their daily business. Oh, well, I would prefer to be the one to suffer, if my pain would take away any of my daughter's. At the moment, we both get to suffer

Peace to you, and rest assured that differing beliefs about parenting beliefs rarely result in a heated argument here. Here, you are supported and understood.

Hi as you'se my son abused his sister for years and it was disclosed 9 years ago but in January this year my daughter decided to press chargers so at the moment we reliving it all over and there's a restraining Oder out so my son isn't allowed any contact with us.
Today my daughter told me she doesn't trust that I will be strong enough not see my son or allow him indoors if he was to turn up.
She told me she hates me because I didn't protect her and it's my fault she is messed up.
She has gone for councilling before but I have no idea how to get through this I feel like not only have I lost a son but now I'm losing my daughter and grandson in the process as well
I would appreciate any advice on this matter
Big hug to you all

Running out of battery, Elsa -- will check in again as soon as I can charge up. Meanwhile, hang in, get some sleep if you can.