Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I've been journalling and really trying to put my finger on how I've felt (or not been able to feel) for the last few months in particular. It just seems as though I'm existing, going from one crisis to the next, doing whatever jobs need to be done, sneaking in some special time for me like a walk or a massage. Any security and certainty I may have had or been working towards seems gone, like the core of my existence has been removed and hasn't recovered. Sorry, I'm really struggling to find the words for what's going on. I'm not sure if the detachment and feeling numb is just exhaustion from everything that's been going on or if it's a side effect of the anti-depressants I started two months ago or both.
I don't take anything for granted, dread the phone ringing in case it's the school saying that one of my daughters is emotionally a wreck and can I please come. So much of the joy and enthusiasm I had from one day to the next has been replaced by fear and uncertainty. I'm no longer trying to process the sexual abuse but just deal with the effects of it in our children. Sounding like a wet blanket here.
Would really appreciate some input as to whether anyone else can vaguely relate to this or it's just me. It's also the first Mother's Day this Sunday without my son since disclosure last June. I have no feelings at all. He might as well be someone else's kid, and yet a few week's ago I couldn't stop crying because I missed him terribly - talk about going from one extreme to the next.
Will go and put our fire on and enjoy the warmth on my back and the quiet in our house before anyone else gets home.
I don't take anything for granted, dread the phone ringing in case it's the school saying that one of my daughters is emotionally a wreck and can I please come. So much of the joy and enthusiasm I had from one day to the next has been replaced by fear and uncertainty. I'm no longer trying to process the sexual abuse but just deal with the effects of it in our children. Sounding like a wet blanket here.
Would really appreciate some input as to whether anyone else can vaguely relate to this or it's just me. It's also the first Mother's Day this Sunday without my son since disclosure last June. I have no feelings at all. He might as well be someone else's kid, and yet a few week's ago I couldn't stop crying because I missed him terribly - talk about going from one extreme to the next.
Will go and put our fire on and enjoy the warmth on my back and the quiet in our house before anyone else gets home.
Head up
Keep doing things for yourself and letting things flow while journaling. It helped me a little just to know that in general the pining and anger have peaked at about 5 months post disclosure (mosac.net) so now perhaps we are just at a different state. We are moving toward accepting the new reality although it is still too hard to imagine.
You are not alone. Across the world, I am here and sadly there are so many moms who will have this new pain on mother's day.
Hang in there! We will get through it. You have been working so hard to help your girls and things will get better.
We are yet to find our new normal. Hoping that once we move house and are settled there will be fewer triggers and we will all be able to heal more deeply and move into a more stable place emotionally and mentally.
Since filing for divorce, I have gone thru many stages. In some ways our situation apples n oranges bc I cannot imagine the hurt over the loss of your son, yet one year later I still don't have my children to safety.. So you and I are different people first off (no one is the same) and your losses different and more profound in ways. Either way we both are experiencing a tremendous tragedy in our lives.
I will tell you I have gone from complete horror - afraid to be in my own home w kids bc he was still in the house from May until Sept. I went out everywhere w my kids - parks, zoo, etc. It was exhausting, horrifying and I felt disgust inside. The house became a huge mess bc I was afraid to stay home n clean. Of course when he was home, he didn't lift a finger. I was advised by my atty (to avoid PAS claim) to leave kids at home w him when I went to work. Pure terror.
Since he left the house, when the kids aren't home, I have to busy myself n stay out. I can't be home alone. House still a mess n I hate it.
I became super angry - not just at the perp but also at all the "professionals" who left my children n me in a state of horror.
I'm having huge financial issues. Our bills about $10,000/mo before divorce. Once he left the residence, he has only been giving me $1200/mo. And I have retained nearly 100% of our bills. I'm trying to keep our credit clean n am soooooo close to being okay again after starting new job this month.
And I tell you all these details because I'm done living this life!
I've had enough of messy house and being too depressed to be here alone (would stay in bed all day or bath tub)
I hit an angry low point n realized I never want to be that angry again.
The horror I've lived - I hope at the end of my trial when the truth comes out (bc I believe it will) I hope a lot of people feel outright shamed for what they did to is. More important than that, I hope they learn to NEVER do this to anyone else again. I believe this day may come.
This financial mess (don't buy that financial outreach home - wink) I'm about to overcome which is a HUGE stress relief.
And so now - now that I've had enough of all this sh&$... I find I'm starting to get myself back together again. My show is getting back on the road again!
I have my calendar back up on my fridge and Im making plans into the future!!! (wasn't able to do that for awhile either).
So - maybe one day for you too - you're just gonna say, HEY! I'm done feeling this way. Gotta get on w my new life and grab it by the reins :-)
Not to say that thru this mess there may be days of getting knocked back down on my knees - but overall, I'm done w that old stuff!
Here is the good news. As your daughters begin to heal your mother core will heal and be rebuilt. My core is back , it is different now, not like before but stronger than ever! And joy does return to living. Yes, we still may have some bad days here and there but nothing like before.
Mother's Day was very difficult for me -the first year I don't even remember what happened because we were still in trauma and the second Mother's day was very difficult for me because my son triggered me and caused some distress. Luckily, my daughter was working that day and I had got myself together by the time she got home. We watched a funny movie together and then had a great dinner. Each year it will get easier for you. The tears that you will shed for your son will help to heal you. We need to feel that pain. It is a normal and healthy thing to do.
You are a hero and everyday you should be celebrated as such! Everyone here can relate to the battlefields that our lives have become since disclosure. And like any war it does end and then we can heal each other , rest and realize that we did what we had to do like every good soldier does.
I hope Sunday is a wonderful and restful day for you, Ozmum. You are a beautiful example of what all mothers should aspire to.
Laura
I am so sorry about what you are going through and I know that Mother's Day will be hard. I will be praying that you will have a peaceful weekend and be able to enjoy at least part of your day with your girls. I am so sorry, I know I cannot possibly understand exactly how you feel, but I do truly hope that you are able to find peace and comfort soon!! Please just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers this weekend and always!!
You mentioned your daughter's bad days. There are so many. I have 2 daughters abused in pre-school Sunday School 22 years ago. Mom, she will get through it. You will get through it. Be cautious that if/when they severely act out you walk away before you do something you may regret. It will help down the road, but no one is perfect for sure. Mother care is the most important thing. If you can enjoy 5 moments with your child that are positive, enjoy them fully. Smile at your child & smile at yourself. I know there are 5 x 50 negative moments in the war zone, but in time & with God's help there is a new day of hope & healing.
I am here now because I spent so much energy in their recovery that I neglected my own.