Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I'm pretty sure my son's half sister (3.5) is being abused by the same boy (my son's stepbrother, her half-brother) who abused him (and at least 4 others, according to my son's caseworker). The boy still lives with my son's father, and therefore her; he was never prosecuted because of his age. (My son does not see the boy. Visitation with his dad takes place at his grandparents' house.)
She's young enough that she doesn't yet understand that I'm not her family, and that her family don't like me, so she talks my ear off whenever I see her. She said to me two weekends ago, "The doctor says no more bubbles in my bath." Which set off alarm bells for me, because it implies she has had a UTI or vaginal infection, and given her half-brother's history, that's very concerning.
A couple of days ago I shared my concerns with an acquaintance who has custody of another of the boy's half-sisters, and she shared with me that the girl's mother took her to the doctor because it hurt the girl so much to urinate that she screamed every time she did, and the doctor only pushed on her belly and prescribed antibiotics, didn't do any sort of genital exam (because, of course, he doesn't know about the brother). Also, the girl told this acquaintance that, "[Brother] tickled me too hard," which is of course a buzzword/phrase with sexual abuse. When she told me that, I had a panic attack at work and told her she needed to report to DCS, and decided that I would as well. The online form reset when I was almost done, however, and I decided to file after my son was in bed. Before I filed, though, I spoke to her again, to ask if she was going to file. She said no. But I was able to convince her that all of this is grounds to report. She's insisting on trying to ask the girl about it when she sees her this weekend before making a decision. So I'm filing tomorrow after she speaks to her, no matter what she says.
I'm not okay. My son's PTSD has caused a new issue recently, so things are already not going well. Add this in, and I'm a mess. And now I can almost guarantee this is going to cause a shitstorm with my son's father, whatever the outcome. If she's not being abused (or if DCS can find no definitive evidence), he will make my life hell and likely try to take me to court (I'm filing anonymously, but I don't trust that he won't know it's me). If she is, I'll be the one taking him back to court.
I'm sorry for the rambling novel. I just needed to get this all out. I need to get back in therapy.
Sorry if I forgot your story, but do you have any advocates to help guide you legally through this? For example, you can report on what you've heard from all these children, right? I wish I could assume that reporting will lead to help for all of these kids but like you, I've seen too much for that.
You might already be familiar with it, but the chat line or phone line at rainn.org is a great source of support for YOU at any time day or night--and they can help guide through the reporting process too if you need any of that.
Do it...report it. My daughter was so traumatized -- terrified of her predator -- that I was afraid that reporting it would drive her further into the darkness, because she'd be asked to testify in front of him. I finally did report, but wondered how many other children have suffered during the time between my daughter's disclosure and my calling the police.
I'm so sorry that your son is facing a new challenge (meaning, by the way, that you are, too). In case you haven't heard of it, please, in addition to calling rainn.org, consider contacting 1in6.org. They have a therapist-staffed hotline. It's meant for male survivors, but you might get some new perspective on your son's flareup.
My heart is with you.
When my mother found a naked picture my father had taken of me when I was seven, she called me into the room to show me and to ask about it instead of asking him. Later she keep blaming me when she apparently saw him staring at my cleavage or other things like that. She even helped him to get a look at my genitals or to spy on my sister and I in the bath. I hope what I'm saying isn't triggering to you. I just thought that your concern for the your son's sister was so kind. I feel like, if my mum had been half as concerned about me as you are about your son and other children then I would enjoy being alive.
I think you're a great person and you can't blame yourself for things that are outside of your control. You've done your best for the girl and for your son, and even if in the long run it turns out that it's not enough. It can never be your fault. Please realise that.
I'm sorry your mother failed to support you and your sister when you needed to be rescued! Abusers can be so manipulative that the ones we hope will protect children become blinded -- because I, myself, love this charming man, my daughter must be after him as well, and any evidence is her fault. The genitals exam, though, is so far out of bounds that I wonder if your mom was also abused in such a way as a child? I make no excuses for her behavior, though.
But what most concerns me is that you don't enjoy being alive. PLEASE don't accept the emotional fallout that your parents alone deserve. You are welcome and needed here on planet Earth. Look at your own willingness to reach out and offer comfort to another suffering soul! We can't spare anyone who is able to share pain in order to help others bear pain.
May I ask if you are in or have received psychological counseling? Just as you have advised SurvivalModeMomma, this is not your fault. Even though we know something is not our fault, it can take a LOT of counseling and time to fully dispel the notion that it's not. EMDR is a practice that many with PTSD, such as you and me, and everyone in this forum, have found enormously helpful.
For the moment, though, please seek help by phone to help you get through THIS day:
• In Canada or the US: 800.656.4673
(RAINN.org is based in the US, with US resources, but the hotline is accessible
from Canada)
• In the UK: 01708 765200
(https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/rape-and-sexual-assault/)
• In Australia: 1800RESPECT (or 1800 737 732)
(https://humanrights.gov.au/our-work/sex-discrimination/list-support-
services)
• Also in Australia: (07) 3391 0004
(https://brissc.org.au/)
• In NZ: 0800 044 334 or free text 4334
(https://www.bodysafe.nz/need-help)
PLEASE write back, if you can!!
Thank you for taking the time to write such a kind comment to me. You've actually shown more concern for me than many people I know in real life and that does give me hope for this world and the people in it, so thank you again.
I don't blame myself at all, because I know this sounds weird but I believe that I am exceptionally sane. I never blame myself for the actions of others that I have no capacity to stop but I am more than willing to admit if I have done something. I hate lies so I never even lie to myself, which is what blaming oneself for the actions of other is doing.
I live in the UK and I have tried to get therapy so that I can understand what personality disorder/mental health issue my mother might have. I've also reached out to my church, extended family members and so on. None of these efforts have proven effective because as you very correctly stated, "abusers can be so manipulative" and also, I've sort of been pushed into a situation where I can't tolerate any sort of lying, so I simply could not speak to the therapist who proved to be a liar. My family ask, "IF she's really like that, why have we never seen it?" They don't want to believe, it's as simple as that because they've seen her abusing us with their own eyes and she's bragged about beating us up to them. My mother used to make jokes about how I tried to show a nurse bruising inside my knicker line but she was able to use the race card to talk her way out of it when, "I tried to get her in trouble".
Late last year my sister reached out to the church we had been attending previous to the Covid-19 outbreak. This was done following a sermon about abuse and how abusers wear masks. We honestly thought that given what was said, they would believe us, but over the course of the next 9 to 10 months, every single thing we told them in begged confidence was relayed to my mother, We even provided written evidence, but it didn't matter. The bishop just kept passing on what he called our, "sad accusations" to my mother. We ended up with pneumonia because we left our home during a rainstorm when she came over to intimidate us. There's no other way to react because she is so manipulative that she can cause us to react negatively to her and then will use that as proof that she's the victim of abusive children. The best thing to do is not engage at all.
She constantly blackens our names like that. Lying about us to everyone.
My mother was not sexually abused as a child as far as I know, but there are some aspects to her childhood that are otherwise abusive in my opinion, which is why I often saw her as a victim and made every effort to excuse her abuse of me and my sister. I'll try to tell you objectively what I know so you can form a fair opinion.
My mother and three of her siblings were left in Barbados when their parents migrated to England, during what is called "The Windrush Era". As far as I know, because the four children were left with two different widowed grandmother's who hated each other, my mother only knew that she had a brother until just before she came to England, at which point she discovered that she had a younger sister who was very fair of complexion (which I suppose would be a source of envy in a multiracial family in a predominantly black country because colourism, is a major issue for non Europeans, it's like how very pale skinned Europeans can be seen as particularly pretty in the art of the romanticist movement, but in black countries this is more apparent since you know, you can have literal black, beige and almost white and all the colours in between in the same family. That causes problems) Previously my mother had been amongst the lightest of her cousins, so she basically got uglier when her sister moved in with them.
Anyway when they got to England my mother found out that she had four more siblings including an older maternal half sister and three younger sisters whom my grandparents had raised themselves and preferred. The half sister already had a two year old child and was having a sexual relationship with my mother's father who was her step-father. He was about 35 and she was around 18 or 19. My mother was about two weeks off of 15 when she found out. It was clearly an abusive relationship, that's obvious now but in the past it was always said that my aunt had seduced her step-father because she felt that he had broken up her parent's marriage. In fact her father was a rapist and women beater who also had other women whilst he was with my grandmother.
Things got worse from there because, my aunt who was being abused by my grandfather, groomed her younger half brother (mother's full brother) and raped him. He was about 5 years younger than her. She had two sons and to this day, no one knows if they're inbreed or not, but the conversation about this has been something that my mother has allowed to be spoken in mine and my sister's presence since we were babies. My aunt has also used the fact that she had sex with her own brother and is a woman, to behave as if she was raped by him when the story she tells actually is grooming. She told him a sexy story and he got aroused and that's how they had sex, apparently.
My uncle has been driven to alcoholism and eventually my grandmother was blamed and stressed until she died of a stroke.
I know this sounds bad but the way my mother behaves, I get the impression that she wishes she had also been having sex with her father. She's a pervert, who used to rub her breasts against me or my sister, has described sex with my dad to me, called me back into the room whilst she was getting a sensual, naked massage and also refused to believe that her delusions and accusations about my sex life weren't true. She started calling my sister a whore from a very young age, and ignored the fact that she went through puberty at a much younger age than me. My paternal grandmother was also a sexual abuser who assaulted my sister. When I told my mother, she did nothing about it and now pretends she didn't know. My dad saw and did absolutely nothing to stop his mother.
I do not believe that my mother has been sexually abused and is simply hiding it because she has a habit of misrepresenting facts in such a way as to make herself seem like the victim, even when she's clearly in the wrong. She tells a version of the truth if that makes sense. The only thing my mother has ever said that makes me think something might have happened to her was that, one of her aunts was said to be a lesbian and that the aunt particularly liked her so she thought she must also be a lesbian, which, she claims is why she got married to my dad who himself had homosexual tendencies after being sexually abused as a boy.
My mother is a qualified nurse and teacher, but for most of her career she used to work with vulnerable adults so she's very aware of signs of abuse and safeguarding.
To be honest we've spoken to the police about this and they say that it is domestic abuse, however, only the thought of the abuse we will receive from people who have supported this woman and also abused us, has made us not take it forward. If we can have as little as possible to do with her, that would be the best option for us.
I’m assuming the boy’s name is flagged in their system, hence the response time.
Now they’re blaming me with no real proof I reported, and saying I did this specifically to hurt them, as I knew they would. So it’s going to be ugly for a while. But I did what I had to. The fact that they cannot fathom someone calling DCS in order to protect a child is baffling to me.
If things go as I expect and my son’s father tries to turn him against me, I may have to finally tell my son his father’s full role in his abuse. I’m not ready for that, for the pain it will cause my son.
Do you have support for guiding your son through all this too? As hard as it will be for him to hear the truth about his father, it would be a lot more damaging for his father to get into his head and manipulate him, after all he's already been through.
You are being very strong even if you don't feel like it. I salute you.
My question is: why bother?
At this point, any treatment should be for YOU, even if you are exceptionally sane. The focus of treatment might include
• how did your mother's illness contribute and to any misconceptions you may have about yourself
• how to draw boundaries that keep this exceptional level of drama far from your own, independent life (esp. far from your adult relationships and future children);
• how to find support beyond your immediate community (IMO, when your church betrays you, it's time to fire your church, just as you fired your therapist).
"Fortunately," your uncle is addicted to alcohol, which means that you qualify for a lifetime membership in Al-Anon. While Al-Anon is nominally a support group for family members and friends of those with alcoholism, that is only one of the reasons people attend. Attending meetings regularly -- and for FREE, other than a weekly quid to support the chapter -- as well as following the 12 Steps (which are more practical and spiritual than religious in nature), can help you gain insights, find some measure of closure, and grow. You will receive the full, caring support of other members, live and in person. YOU WILL BE HEARD. And you can talk about all of this with anonymity and confidentiality. I attended for quite awhile when my daughter was addicted to opioids/opiates, but it was there that I also shared the story of her sexual abuse by a former neighbor, something I had never discussed in public before. One side effect of sexual abuse is substance abuse -- and and one side effect of substance abuse is sexual abuse. So, at Al-Anon, I discovered that many members had also survived sexual abuse at the hands of substance abusers; they were some of my best listeners and supporters. God bless them all.
I hope you will be able to find clarity about what you have suffered in your family of origin, and that you will soon be able to launch into a new life that is truly your own.