Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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chillipepper 07/01/2015

I well start from the start.

We moved back in Dec, and this spring the neighbour kids started to come over and play with our 5 year old son. ( the main kid is 9 and is right next door) As time passed we started to let him out to play on his own. ( we knew he would not go on the road)

Yesterday, the boys where playing with the wagon and they went behind the shed.. after a little bit (I have no concept of time. Its a big problem of mine) I thought this is too long. So yelled out the window and said is the wagon stuck do you guys need help. No I got told.. still thought this was odd so out I went. I called to them agin and my son came out. adjusting his pants….. Than the older boy 9 came out. ( it was just the 2 of them) I asked them what they where doing when my son said that the older boy was pulling him in the wagon. Than my son pulled up his shirt and did up the button on his pants. I asked him why he had to do is pants back up and he told me he did not know.. I did not like this at all. I know my husband and the my boys ( I have a 2 year old as well) do pee behind the shed, but something was off. So I got my son to come inside. I did try to talk to him with no success. He just got up set.

Why my husband came he tried and go nothing. well later that night when I had gone to get ice cream my son told my husband ( his Dad) that the older boy licked his penis, and wanted Austin to do it back to him.. Ya lets just say he is not playing with the neighbour kids anymore.. Later that night my son told my husband that he did it back and did not like it. Great….

My son is 5 he does not know about anything like this. We are un sure if he is making it up, but we doubt it. ( just the other day he lied to us telling us this boy broke something that was in the house.. The boys have never been in the others house Always out side)

My husband has come right undone. He has called child services and they said this kind of thing happens all the time that they would not even do a file. Not sure how to feel about this. Ya ok if it was 2, 5 year olds, but this kid is 9 our kid is 5. ( do want to add we did from the start think it was odd that the kids wanted to play with a 5 year old. I do kinda know the kid form a place I worked at. I had met him before we moved in. seemed like a nice boy, and we watched them for so long be for we let our son out alone.. ugh so lost)

We are going to go talk to our Dr as soon as we can. My husband is going to go talk to the boys parents.

My husband is thinking he is over racing and I am feeling like I am under reacting. I am just so lost. I am un sure of what to make of the hole thing. Of what to do or what not to do.

My son won't talk to me, and dose not know my husband told me. A few weeks ago he did have a sore penis , with discharge and the dr at the walk in said it was a unary track infection. My husband is now so up set wondering if something more happen and wants to get him teased. I want my son to talk to someone . Someone that knows how to ask the right things to find out what really happen. Thats what I want out of the visit to the Dr.

I just do not know what to make of it all. My son seems to be normal at this point. ugh what to do how to feel. I just so un sure of everything right now. I am glad to have my husband. there is no way I could just go talk to the other boys parents. what I would say or do. We have to live next to the people for the rest of our lives. We can not move and we love this house and the area. I grew up here. They have 5 kids. ( good thing is that I got my boys into a different school than my neighbours kids go to) I so do not want a neighbour war or fight but this is my son we are talking about. I am fine with just not letting the boys play together. ugh

So many things running though my head wish it would all just stop.

mobley4100 07/01/2015

I am not sure what ages (or age difference) DCS does get involved, because unfortunately some experimentation and play is "normal" for kids - but your age differences seems to be on the cusp of what is inappropriate. I am in no way saying that what happened should be accepted - and the bottom line is that the neighbor boy has likely been exposed to this behavior somewhere (porn or abuse happening to him) to be exhibiting these actions. I am saddened that DCS will not even consider looking into this, and reaching out to your pediatrician - or see if you have a Children's Advocacy Center in the area and reach out to them and see what resources they can provide or refer you to. Don't push or force your son to talk, let him talk if he wants to and pursue a professional talking to him - if he sees that you are upset or worried he is likely to share less information. If he does choose to talk to your or your husband, remain calm, ensure that you believe him, and ensure him that you will do all that you can to protect him (and that what happened was not appropriate). It sounds like you have caught it early - and can take steps to prevent this in the future. Look through some of the resources listed in the link in this group - another great resource I have found is themamabeareffect.org - they also have some great educational material. Stay calm and know that everything will be fine. Continue to take steps to protect your son and by all means I would not let him play with the other boys anymore. Don't be surprised if the other family does not believe you - denial is strong and hard! This is a great place to come for support. Our situation was between a 4 year old and a 14 year old, and DCS did get involved - but knowing what I know now, I will never allow my daughter to play alone with older kids (or kids her age) unsupervised. Unfortunately it is awful to learn that lesson this way - but I am working toward educating and advocating for more education and prevention. Good luck - and take a deep breath. I can remember doing some very inappropriate experimentation at a young age with a cousin just a year older than me - do I remember it, absolutely, did it scar me for life, not at all. With support and continued awareness believe that your son will be fine.

Bandmom5 07/01/2015

I have to agree with mobley. You are doing the right things, and the best place to focus now is on getting the most appropriate therapy for your son. It was really brave of him to disclose, it took a lot of courage, so good for him, especially at his age. I think telling your Dr and asking him/her for some advice and options is a good idea. I don't know the law in Canada, but here Drs are mandatory reporters, so if he notifies DCS, they may take it more seriously. The suggestion to look for a Children's Advocacy center in your area is also spot on. They have professionals specifically trained in interviewing kids of all ages. Another good website to check out for support and education is www.mosac.net . I also agree that the 9 yr old should have some sort of interview by a professional to find out how he knows this stuff... is it purely inquisitive experimenting, or did he get the idea from some other source-- seeing it on a DVD, or seeing someone else doing it, or having it done to him; all these mean he's a victim as well. Did he do this to anyone else? Very sad situation, my heart goes out to you and your family. I'm glad you found us and shared your story. You will make it through this, take one step and one breath at a time.... (((hugs)))

chillipepper 07/02/2015

The talk with the neighbours went well. We are so happy with the way it went. They had a talk with their son. They came back with, he said that he liked his finger than touched our son. They are no happy, and have been so good. It has been agreed that the boys are not to play together anymore.

My husband talked to my son this morning to see if that is what really went down. We could so see our 5 year old thinking that was licking. My husband came back to tell me that Our son said it happened a hundred times, even in the fount yard. The kids have never been aloud to pay inside. That when my husband asked about the finger part our son said and did some kind of sucking. breathing in thing. Ugg this dose not make me feel any better. just up sets me more. Our boy is good at math and can count well, over and hundred and by 10s. He knows what a hundred is… Still for this to have happened so many times, when and how, so many things I do not understand.

Its funny how my husband and I are the ones that are so up set about this, and our son the victim is just fine. I have to admit, I broke down and bought the kid a new DS ( he had broke mine months back) and a 2 new games. Not like that is going to do anything for him or me.

With the holiday yesterday, I did not think our Dr would be in today, I was so right. We have talked and are taking him to the walk in. Go to do something. I want him to talk to someone that knows how to talk to kids about this kind of thing. We do not have the money and need it to be funded by our medical. As any Canadian knows it has to go though a Dr 1st. Wish us luck.

heartsadx3 07/02/2015

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and yes it is far more upsetting to us especially if the abuse was not violent but more of a game or play as perps usually present it. Young children do not and can not grasp the severity of the situation like adults. As he gets older he will but for now his reaction will probably stay minimal. So the hard work is for you right now to stay calm, get help for yourself and processing your emotions. I went to counseling and it helped me to have someplace to bring all my adult feelings about this. My daughter had a very traumatic experience with my step dad being the perp, even so she has only talked about it in detail once and now she claims it didn't happen. I've taken her to two counselors so far. Finding a good counselor for your son would be a very good start. Make sure that when you talk to him and I wouldn't discourage talking about it but make sure you don't suggest what might have happened just affirm that you believe him that he is very brave for telling and he did the right thing. Affirm that he did nothing wrong that the other kid is at fault and is responsible. There are also good books to read with your child that helps them understand body safety, abuse etc. Education will help him now and in the future. Glad you found this support there is some good information here for you from us who have been there and are there. It will be okay, your son will be okay because he has great parents at his side!!!

Naive1 07/02/2015

Hi, Chillipepper. Sorry you've had to find this group, but it's a very supportive place, as mobley4100 has already demonstrated. When, your husband talks to that boy's parents, I hope they are receptive and do the right thing by getting their son into counseling ASAP. Much more than your own reaction, it's their reaction that will determine whether there's peace between your families.

My daughter was routinely sexually assaulted by an adult neighbor when she was young (she only disclosed two years ago, so I'm not surprised that your son has already sealed up his response). We loved everything about the town and home where we lived at the time, and I was so sad to leave when my husband took a new job in another state, but now, knowing what I know, I thank God that we got her away from that monster. Not in time for her to avoid enormous emotional damage, but she has begun to heal in the past year.

Please also visit www.mosac.net. This site may help you to see that your confusion is normal, as are a variety of emotions related to grief.

Take care of yourself so you have energy to take care of your son.

Naive1 07/02/2015

Hi, all -- I had the page open since I found Chillipepper's original post. I should have refreshed the page before I posted above -- my suggestions were already covered.

Naive1 07/02/2015

I'm so glad your son has come forward openly, with more details. He will very likely avoid the long-term emotional damage our daughter suffered, because your son has not kept that confusion inside, and because you have reacted appropriately and supportively.

chillipepper 07/02/2015

I found a number for a free counselling just after I posted. I called as soon as they opened. they started a file and they are going to try to get us in. She told me kids take priority. I finally had a bit of a break down. This is my baby. My boy. I feel so guilty. I let him out with this boys. I let him play with him. I told my mom last night and I know wish I had not. She keeps saying why you let him play with the older boys. I keep thinking, I played with older boys. I played capture the flag in the bush. Hell I was in homes with older boys. My mom worked full time and did lots of travelling for work. Yet she makes me feel guilty for letting my boy play with a 10 year old in the yard. Oh why did I tell her? I get the the older boys I played with had young siblings that I played with, but still. ugh this is so hard.

We have a heath link BC hot line, when everything 1st came around, my husband called them, they said they would report it and gave my husband the # to call. When he called them they said they would do nothing that this kind of thing happens all the time.

I really just want all of this to go away!

heartsadx3 07/02/2015

The guilt and wanting to undo the past are the strongest two initial feelings I had and it took some time and counseling to even begin to want to release the guilt. Your mother is only adding to the enormous guilt you already have. The truth is if you had any idea this was happening you would have interviened right away just as you have. All we can do is the best with what we know and our own experience. You never had a bad experience with older kids and you took precautions. None of us imagined this happening to our children. The guilt belongs to the person who committed the wrong...period. For a long time I refused to do this but in the end I couldn't move forward if didn't. It was hurting me.

chillipepper 07/02/2015

Today has been hard, I found I have been breaking down and crying. Hell I get in the car and cry. I went and picked up a book, called my body belongs to me. I do not know if I can read that to him.. I have to talk to dad about it 1st.

I think I am going to get some anti depressants when we go see the Dr today. Just want to cover my ass. Make sure I can still function. I do not know if today is the start of me feeling like crap or just going to be one day. Either way it is not going to hurt. I know myself and I know the pills they kick in right from day one. I have to keep myself from falling down a big hole so I can be there for my son.

Is it bad that I do not want to talk to the other boys parents. I do not want them to feel like I do. I do not want them to have to deal with the fact that their kid did this? That I do not want him to end up in a bad place from all of this. I know he feels bad. I saw him today on my way home he hardly looked at us when we pulled in. I gave a little wave. I care for the boy too. I do not want to see him in distress. is this so wrong of me? Is it wrong for me not to be up set at this little boy. He is 10 by the way. We thought he was 9. I do not want this to happen to any other kids. yesterday new people moved in across the street. I worry about the 2 little ones that just moved in. I know something has to be done so that this dose not happen to anyone else, yet I just can't imagine what the other family is feeling. To have someone come and tell you, that your kid did this.
After our talk last night they did say to come to them if we find out more. I just so do not know what to make of the hole thing. They were so good about it. I could see the confusion in them too. I am still so thankful they were so good. If they had been mad and got upset I do not know what we would have done.

I want to wait till after Austin gets in with a counsellor find out what he tells them. I just wish I new the hole thing. Thats the problem with 5 year olds. You know the truth is there, but not sure what parts are true or that he himself is un sure of. Its hard too since he won't talk to me.

I want to thank you all so much for your words and even just reading my post. This is becoming my safe place to vent. I am a venter and need it. Do not be surprised if you see post after post from me. Its just my way. It means a lot to me to have this page you guys, other that have an idea of what I am going through.

Naive1 07/02/2015

That's what this site is for -- almost none of us had a safe place to vent. As you discovered right away with your mom, people who haven't been through this don't know how to react, and they often default to blaming (direct or subtle) or other forms of denial. We here ALL get it. I think it's almost impossible to avoid every emotion you're describing -- I can remember clearly feeling just as you did at the beginning. Hell, I still feel that way at times, two years later.

I hope the neighbor boy truly feels remorse. However, his lack of eye contact may not be shame; it could also be anger that you "turned him in" to his parents. A ten yr old knows this is wrong. The ones who know it's wrong and yet do it anyway are often sociopaths -- your son may have been only one of his victims, or only the first.

Antidepressants may be a good idea. I've been taking them since before my daughter told me about her childhood abuse, and I have no idea if I'd have survived the shock and mourning I experienced without a little chemical boost. Also please look into meditation and counseling for yourself.

96Percent 07/05/2015

I haven't read others responses. But I have a hugggge problem Child Services not opening a file. There are norms of child exploration and things that aren't normal. I'm not so worried about your son as I am about what this 9 year old has been exposed to himself that he tried to re enact.
Good luck!

96Percent 07/05/2015

Ok wait! Hold up!
I'm medically inclined too...
Hope your pediatrician cultured that urine.
Penile discharge more often associated w STD than routine urinary tract infection in my book, and it's not as common for boys to get UTIs (they don't have the wiping issues girls have).
Now I'm really concerned about what that 9 year old boy is being exposed to - and Ur son.

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