I meant my husband was home, not my son. It's not that I am afraid of him, I think he even comes on here once and a while, but I was still in the middle of my thoughts and I wasn't ready to have him read over my shoulders. He has, on one occasion, during a fight, called this group something like my angry mothers group or crazy ladies group or something like that.

So anyway, back to the topic I started. He said I said maybe he could come home. He admits I said maybe if things change. He knows I meant if my daughter suddenly decides to deal with everything, talk about what happened, seeks help from a therapist and gets all better. This is NOT happening. I actually pulled her out of therapy because she didn't like going, hadn't bonded with the therapist after 6 months, even the therapist agreed that a break might be a good idea, since she wasn't open to talking about what happened AT ALL. He sat by and heard my SON'S therapist even say that it might be good for her to take a break and he gave me a letter for her to write, kind of a form letter where she finishes the sentences. I have worked on this with her. I admit not often, it's hard to find a quiet, private time around our house, and frankly she HATES it if I bring it up, but we have done some work on it and she showed some emotion when we did. So, he know all of this and then a week or so ago he accuses me of taking her out of therapy.. I am not sure what he was accusing me of, just that he was mad that I took her out of therapy so she won't get better. I believe now that his motivation for being angry about it is that he wanted her to her to be "all better" so her brother can come home. His motives were not what was best for her, but what he wanted. I don't want him here to spend the night ever again. I told my husband, we can help him find a place to live, etc. etc. but I don't want him under my roof again - it would mean I would have no peace. I would constantly have to be on guard and home. I am not willing to live like that in my own home. I should be able to have peace. My daughter would love it if her brother came home. She misses him. They all do (the other 2 kids at home do too) but I am so worried that even if he was OK, she might slip back into old habits where she could get him to give her things if she let him molest her. She hasn't dealt with all of this, so it would be just so dangerous to have them in the same house again. Yet, he is upset that I don't want him here. What am I supposed to do?!!?!?! He says he doesn't put any of his children above the others in importance. Well goody for you mr. wonderful. I have to BECAUSE you don't. You want peace at any cost, I want to protect my children - all of them. She is 9, he is 17. He made his bed, now he has to sleep in it.

I don't know if I have made any sense here tonight, but I needed to vent. I am not sure this marriage is going to survive. If I cry over what happened or am upset, he basically says I need to get over it. Sorry, picturing my little girl with her brother trying to shove his you know what inside of her doesn't just go away magically. Yes I can go days with out that movie running in my head, but something triggers it and it is back. Deal with it.

Thanks for listening to me rant and rave like a lunatic. Love you guys. Jen

Awww poor thing. It can be so frustrating, when you dont have the family support. It's like who side is he on. He needs to understand the son has a mental sickness that will not leave. Anderson cooper was on the other day and he had child molestors on. One guy started molesting his daughter at 6 months old. My husband started, well the first time my daughter mentioned it was when she was 4, and I didnt witness it until she was 7. They dont stop though. It's really sick. You are right to set very strict limitations. I mean if there has to be a compromise than he should have to live in the garage and not ever be left alone in the house. Seriously, you have to protect your daughter. SHe was the victim as are you. I like how he refers to us as angry mothers group, NOT! He needs to support you, seriously maybe he and your son can go get an apt. I mean sounds like your husband is in major denial. It is really hard to forget what has happened to our daughters. its like a memory that is burnt into our brains forever. Some days are better than others and some just arent good days. I mean try and rationalize with your husband. I think he really needs to know, addicts just dont overcome these things and many people act or play the part of the healed man to get through the system, does not mean they can be trusted. Keep your guard up. You know your instincts are usually right. Good luck, feel free to vent away. This site has helped me in so many ways. It the ONLY place I can come and talk to people who truley understand my frustrations and what we are all dealing with. Outside this group, not so much. Your safe here. We have your back....Luvz, Ocean

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry all this is happening. You have put so much effort into researching everything so you could make the very best decisions for everyone in your family. What are the conditions of your son being in the proctor home? Is he allowed to be online? Is he allowed to have an email account? If he is violating conditions, aren't there consequences? If I recall correctly, his sexual assaults on his sister were the result of a secret pornography addiction, right? If the conditions of his release to a proctor home are that he is to only have online activity that is known by parents, proctors and therapists, and he has violated that, then he has other motives that can only be seen as intentions to resume the addiction, which in the past lead to him committing disgusting felonies on a helpless child, and he is therefore not ready to be in any home where there is anyone under 18. If he was released to a home without these kinds of conditions in place, shame on the court; that all has to be revisited to ammend the conditions of his release. As Ocean said, lots of offenders are Hollywood material so they can get what they want, and the courts should always have that in the back of their mind when setting conditions in a sentence. Sorry if I sound so clinical, but if you take all the emotion out of it all, those seem to be the facts to me, unless I'm missing something. Our offender was the epitome of cooperation and humility in court, but comments responding to the online articles about his arrest, plea hearing and sentencing revealed otherwise; he or someone he told wrote some very slanderous and defaming things about us, all untrue, that included details only he knew, so we know he was the source of them.

Anyway, I digress. Regarding your husband, duh-huh?????? What in the world is he thinking????? Your son's healing is certainly a priority, but THE MAIN priority here is healing the victim, your daughter, who at her age and after what she's been thru doesn't possess the maturity, the work in counseling, or the where-with-all to know what is truly best for her. No matter how much she wants her offender/brother there (and as you say for whatever reasons), and no matter how much she begs for it, it shouldn't be an option, and I'm very sure she will eventually come to realize you did the right thing once she really works thru all her issues and matures. I agree with your decisions, Jen. You are seeing the forest AND the trees.

Oh, and to your husband: if the horrible stigma that child sexual abuse carries didn't exist, a stigma by the way that is exascerbated mostly by neanderthal men in our justice and legislative systems, we "crazy angry moms" wouldn't be on here under fictitious names trying to figure this all out and help one another. We'd be in families that weren't divided, and in local support groups using our real names, since our family members and friends would understand the issue and want to support us and help our kids heal. Chew on that thought for a while!

So sorry to hear that your husband just doesn't get it. He is definitely in denial. Not an easy thing to accept your son has an incurable disease. It took my husband a while to deal with the fact that the man that raised him in a very strict religious home molested my daughter for years. He will get it one day....hopefully but....til then he has no right to have him back in the house.

She may not be showing signs but they will come up and being around him will hinder her healing. My daughter is 26 and been through a private hell from age 7. Just this past year after finally disclosing her shameful secret has she been able to heal and is doing so much better. She was in and out of therapy for drugs etc.... for years and still kept the underlying reason for all of her issues locked away in her. I would reccomend getting another therapist that she clicks with even if it's just to get to know and trust, one day she may be ready to talk about it and if she has someone in place already it will be much easier.

Stand your ground!!! You are an awesome mom and you are doing what we all want to do, protect our children from these perps. I wouldn't let him in my home and if he was around any children I would not leave his side. it can happen in 30 seconds.

Prayers for you. Hugs.

Thanks you guys for the responses. My husband was really slow to believe all that our son had done, but in family sessions with him and his therapist, he came to realize how seriously he had offended our daughter and attempted to offend one of her friends. He also offended the girl next door on one occasion. He knows what our son has done, and he was dealing with it. I think it breaks his heart to think about his son that way. We have had him back at our house to help his dad with different projects, but only when the kids were in school. They miss him and want him home, but as you all pointed out, they don't understand the scope and seriousness of what their brother did. They don't know what is best for them at their ages. He says I said that maybe he could come back and it is apparent now that he was really holding on to that hope. I didn't realize how much weight he had put on those words that I spoke once or twice after being at a session with our son. Seeing him doing so well at communicating and trying to do the right things. However, that was when he was "residential" and didn't have any freedom to make bad choices. Now that he has been moved to proctor care he has broken rules about internet use, etc. etc.

I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I have spent the last 14 months trying to help him get better. There has been no time for me to heal, no time to work with my daughter (and the other two kids who were affected by this whole mess) on healing. I can't go backwards and that is how it feels. Checking online to see if he has opened another facebook or email account secretly, etc. etc. I am too exhausted to go thru anymore.

I want to feel peace and security in my own home and I will never feel that way with him here. I will be a prisoner because I can't leave him here with the kids. I refuse to put my daughter in that position as well. She might think she wants her brother back, but it is wrong. She doesn't know what is best for her at this point.

I am just so hurt that my husband is pulling this after how much we have been through. All the grief and sorrow. He just turned on me. Putting it all on me, not only for not letting our son come home, but that I pulled our daughter out of therapy. Even our son's therapist thought it was a good idea for her to take a break. EVEN HER THERAPIST thought it was a good idea since she hadn't really made any progress.

Sorry, I am repeating all the stuff I had already said in the original posts! Thanks for your support and advice and listening ears. You always help me. Even just knowing you are out there gives me so much comfort. Love you guys! Jen

Jennifermom: I'm so sorry you are going through this. It has got to be so, so hard to be the mother of the victim and offender. I can't even imagine. I was having this conversation with a friend of mine the other day. I told her I had no idea how I would handle this situation, the one you are in. Be gentle with yourself. And go with your gut feeling. I don't believe it will lead you wrong. You are in my thoughts. And just remember, you don't have to have it all figured out right now. This will take a long time to wade through all of the confusion, anger, hurt, etc.

My children miss their father too, but the thing is , they had no idea this is abnormal, as far as they knew it was "normal" to be treated that way so when these acts are committed against them, it's not done in anger, Its hard for a child to discern that difference of a crime, which in their minds is like a robbery, or stealing a car, they dont think this "Affection" is a crime. Now I have explained this to my daughter, and she gets it, but she never had that fear of her father because it was not done in anger. So you can see why your children probably miss him and want him back, but truth is you are their parent and you have to do what you can to protect them, as they age they will learn more and more and understand your decisions. Good luck.I hope your husband realizes the potential dangers. I mean maybe you can suggest he live elsewhere and maybe plan times where all of you as a family can go somewhere as a group with your son, like a public place like dinner, or bowling, where your husband can continue his relationship and so can your daughters and yourself. Plus you mentioned he is coming over for house projects as well when daughters at school. SO it's not like you are cutting him off or disowning him.

What happens to him when he breaks the rules about the internet and stuff?
I am sure this is hard for your husband and his judgement is clouded. Your kids are lucky to have you protecting them. They will get it one day when they have their own children and they will remember how you kept him away from them.
I hope he gets well but hate to hear that he has had at least 3 victims already to be so young. The statistics on reoffending are scarey and I personally would do what you are doing, I woudln't want him around my kids or any others. I believe when they have to see the person that sexually abused them they cannot heal. My daughter did not start getting better until she disclosed, I kept her from him, and she felt safe. She is doing awesome right now and I know if she saw him she would go backwards. I will never let that happen if I can control it.
Keep up the great fight! Prayers for you and your family.

I have suggested he and the son go and get an apt together. He turns it all on me and says, "fine if thats what you want, I'll get my stuff and move out" So I have started calling him on it. I tell him, it's not what I WANT it's what you will have to do if you want to have him (son) live with you. I am not asking you to move out. I am telling you that you need to do whatever you think you have to do." It's a possibility, but we really couldn't afford it. Especially since he has been recovering now for 15 months from surgery gone wild. As far as consequences for breaking rules, I am not sure, he has been moved around a bit because this is a new program for after-care for the facility he was in. If things don't tighten up pretty quick, I think his caseworker is going to pull him out of their program and put him in a more established program. He says he isn't doing that stuff anymore, but I flat out don't believe it. So far, I don't think there has been much in the way of consequences, except to limit his access. I think they have done that somewhat, now. But I am sure that he is using electronic devices from friends at school to talk to old friends, etc. My husband just wants to believe the best and doesn't want to deal with any more conflict. I don't either so I refuse to go to therapy sessions until he comes completely clean, I mentioned perhaps he needs another polygraph!?!?! We'll see what happens, love to all of you ! Thanks for listening!

Have u told your concerns to his caseworker, regarding the Internet issues and stuff?

Funny you should ask! I left him a voice mail on Monday because we got an email from the "foster" dad he has been staying with and this same man is also supposed to be my son's "tracker" in this new after-care program. This email was a report to the man who is setting this program up. It is a report that my son has stolen from the foster dad's own son (stupid things like socks!) and denied it even when faced with the facts, and then the foster dad's own son found a cell phone that had wifi capabilities and was password protected in my son's stuff. Apparently he got/stole it from someone at school. He said in the email that he was going to give it to my son's therapist and let him deal with it with my son. I wanted to be sure his caseworker was aware of this and the rest of the info in the email, like the fact that he is failing almost all of his classes, etc. the caseworker is awesome and doesn't put up with much crap, so he is calling a "team" meeting of all involved including my son, and then he can't tell one story to one of us and another story to someone else. He also told me that being sent back to the residential treatment center for a "tune-up" is not off the table. They gave him too much freedom and not enough supervision too fast. He needed to have every second of his day accounted for. But because they are establishing this program from scratch, they weren't really ready. Unfortunately, he has fallen between the cracks. NOW, this is NOT an excuse for him. The kid knew exactly what he shouldn't be doing even if it wasn't written in stone for him. He knew what he shouldn't do, he might not have been give a list of "rules" and "consequences" but come on, he knew he was doing stuff he shouldn't be or he wouldn't have had the need to lie about passwords/accounts, etc. I am just not willing to go back down this road again. I will go to the team meeting to confront him and tell all there what I know he has done since he got out, but unless he comes completely clean and is humble again, I am out. I got myself and my other kids to worry about. The end! Thanks for thinking of me, how are you doing these days? How did the weekend visits go? I was thinking about you this weekend.