Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Another birthday, this time a big one because she'll be 18. Even more significant than most kids turning 18 because her disclosure turned out so messy precisely because she was still a minor. (No such thing as a not-messy disclosure, but still the nature of it was defined by her age.) Now she can tell anyone anything she wants and no one has to report it, or even can report it without her consent.
It's another hard milestone for me as a mom. I think you always look back on your child's life and reflect on it and your role in it as they officially become an adult. Of course there are a lot of regrets there for me. Wondering how she would be different today if she hadn't been abused, how our relationship would be, etc. Wondering how SHE looks back on her childhood. I want to write her a nice letter to go along with her birthday card like I did for her brother when he turned 18. At that time I had no idea what he had done to her. I told him what a great guy he was and how proud of him I was and how I was eager to see where his future took him. I remember him throwing it aside and was puzzled at the time, now I can guess why. It's good this time I at least know that this was part of her life.
There's so much I want to say to her but I'm not sure how much of it I should say. I'm still so proud of her strength and compassion and patience and resilience and kindness and generosity. She's very talented and a hard worker and does so many things well, especially those she truly loves. I'm afraid for the way she hides things, bottles them up, avoids conflict. I wonder if she will ever be truly comfortable with her sexuality. She is so beautiful, both in appearance and personality. I was so excited, so happy to have a baby girl. She was a delightful little girl, a great big sister when her little brother came along, I'm so glad I could stay home with her and share so many moments of her life. But I failed to keep her safe in her own bedroom. She and her brother were so close and got along so well but that makes the hurt even more. I'm so proud of both of them and relieved that they are getting along pretty well now although they don't see each other often.
Hopefully getting this out here will help me be able to sit down and write to her. I love her so much and want so much to bridge the distance between us.
It can be very hard for survivors, so used to blaming themselves and keeping secrets, often wondering when the next shoe will drop, to accept acknowledgement of having gotten through something horrendous. It's easy for us to see our children as courageous and strong because we have perspective on the whole person and their whole situation, and we love them 100% of the time. So remember that she may very well ALSO toss the letter aside. Pick it up, then, and save it for a few years from now, when your daughter has begun to experience independent success. Put it in an envelope again when she is 25-30, and add some new lines about all she has accomplished since because of the strengths she gained when she felt most vulnerable. Someday she will be able to see herself as a young girl again and begin to love that girl more the way you always have.