Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I've not posted for awhile, as my daughters and I are struggling with the aftermath of my husband's sentencing. For 4 1/2 years I despaired of seeing justice for my daughters. I simply did not believe it was obtainable. When my husband was convicted in August, I was relieved, but quickly developed what I can only describe as "survivor's guilt." I thought of all the mothers/fathers who will never see justice in this lifetime and wondered "why us?" My daughters are not any more deserving than other victims.
I felt guilty because my daughters were severely traumatized from having to testify in open court, directly across from their father. I beat myself up for refusing to sign off on any of the plea agreements. At the time, I didn't want to compromise on my convictions. My principles. I prided myself on the fact that, if my husband exercised his right to a jury trial ~ I'd give him the fight of his life. I'd make him regret ever having violated the 3 of us. Yes THE 3 OF US! I'm fed up with the politically correct bullshit. . . . .the labels. I'm the "non-offending parent," as if the only remarkable thing you can say about me, is that, unlike my husband, I "didn't" abuse my daughters.
And my favorite, "secondary victim," "collateral damage." While it's true that my daughters were the ones who literally suffered, I've suffered along with them. I am an incest survivor which is one of the reasons my husband's crimes were so insidious. He knew how my own abuse has affected me and he STILL went ahead and terrorized our daughters. So yes. When he violated them, he was, in effect, abusing me, on so many other levels, "psychologically," "emotionally," and "spiritually."
If we're honest, we've been "raped" along with our children and ITS OK to say it. I mean absolutely no disrespect to my daughters in saying this. I am not minimizing their trauma, I'm simply tired of the courts minimizing OURS. Then the judicial system re-traumatizes us over and over again. . . I know my daughters and I are in the minority, in that, my husband was sentenced and his sentence is befitting of his crimes. And some people might read this and say, "what the hell is she complaining about. Her husband is never getting out of prison. . ." yes. BUT that's not why I'm angry.
I'm angry because my daughters paid ~ and CONTINUE TO PAY ~ a VERY HIGH PRICE for getting up on that stand. It shouldn't have to be this way. A child who is brave and willing to tell the TRUTH shouldn't be forced to do so, a few feet away from their perpetrator. I'm SO FUCKING TIRED of the defense's argument. "Well, it says in the constitution, that the accused has the right to face his accuser!" It's his/her constitutional right! I've news for the defense. When the constitution was written, it wasn't against the law for a man to rape his wife or child. So that right was never intended for situations like our childrens'.
Initially, I was going to write about what the sentencing phase is REALLY LIKE. Because, again, like every other stage in this circus, it is NEVER how you imagine it will be. I still want to write about this because the sentencing hearing, which is supposed to be all about the victims for once, is yet another opportunity for the convicted to rail against the powers that be. You will all be thoroughly disgusted when I tell you how my husband made his own victim witness statement ~ just as he took the stand in his own trial (for a day and a half) ~ . Except this time, he's screaming about being a victim of the system. I wanted to kill him, He had his day in court ~ as a matter of fact ~ he had a TWO WEEK TRIAL. . . and it still wasn't good enough for him.
I will also tell you about the media. And the coverage of the sentencing. HINT: the theme was DEVOUT CATHOLIC/SELFLESS NURSE vs. UNSTABLE, VINDICTIVE INCEST SURVIVOR. . . . . yeah.
For now. I digress.
Apparently, I needed to "go here" today. . . .
~k
I felt guilty because my daughters were severely traumatized from having to testify in open court, directly across from their father. I beat myself up for refusing to sign off on any of the plea agreements. At the time, I didn't want to compromise on my convictions. My principles. I prided myself on the fact that, if my husband exercised his right to a jury trial ~ I'd give him the fight of his life. I'd make him regret ever having violated the 3 of us. Yes THE 3 OF US! I'm fed up with the politically correct bullshit. . . . .the labels. I'm the "non-offending parent," as if the only remarkable thing you can say about me, is that, unlike my husband, I "didn't" abuse my daughters.
And my favorite, "secondary victim," "collateral damage." While it's true that my daughters were the ones who literally suffered, I've suffered along with them. I am an incest survivor which is one of the reasons my husband's crimes were so insidious. He knew how my own abuse has affected me and he STILL went ahead and terrorized our daughters. So yes. When he violated them, he was, in effect, abusing me, on so many other levels, "psychologically," "emotionally," and "spiritually."
If we're honest, we've been "raped" along with our children and ITS OK to say it. I mean absolutely no disrespect to my daughters in saying this. I am not minimizing their trauma, I'm simply tired of the courts minimizing OURS. Then the judicial system re-traumatizes us over and over again. . . I know my daughters and I are in the minority, in that, my husband was sentenced and his sentence is befitting of his crimes. And some people might read this and say, "what the hell is she complaining about. Her husband is never getting out of prison. . ." yes. BUT that's not why I'm angry.
I'm angry because my daughters paid ~ and CONTINUE TO PAY ~ a VERY HIGH PRICE for getting up on that stand. It shouldn't have to be this way. A child who is brave and willing to tell the TRUTH shouldn't be forced to do so, a few feet away from their perpetrator. I'm SO FUCKING TIRED of the defense's argument. "Well, it says in the constitution, that the accused has the right to face his accuser!" It's his/her constitutional right! I've news for the defense. When the constitution was written, it wasn't against the law for a man to rape his wife or child. So that right was never intended for situations like our childrens'.
Initially, I was going to write about what the sentencing phase is REALLY LIKE. Because, again, like every other stage in this circus, it is NEVER how you imagine it will be. I still want to write about this because the sentencing hearing, which is supposed to be all about the victims for once, is yet another opportunity for the convicted to rail against the powers that be. You will all be thoroughly disgusted when I tell you how my husband made his own victim witness statement ~ just as he took the stand in his own trial (for a day and a half) ~ . Except this time, he's screaming about being a victim of the system. I wanted to kill him, He had his day in court ~ as a matter of fact ~ he had a TWO WEEK TRIAL. . . and it still wasn't good enough for him.
I will also tell you about the media. And the coverage of the sentencing. HINT: the theme was DEVOUT CATHOLIC/SELFLESS NURSE vs. UNSTABLE, VINDICTIVE INCEST SURVIVOR. . . . . yeah.
For now. I digress.
Apparently, I needed to "go here" today. . . .
~k
Well, all of us here know that that is the LAST thing that's remarkable about you!! You have been a rock for your children. You have given to the last of your energy every day to make sure that they knew that you believed them and loved them and were going to do everything you could to help them recover.
Yes, I fantasize about a justice we will likely never see, but I know that a sentencing (hell, even an arrest!) would not be the end of what my daughter has to face as she carries forward. We all have healing to do. Your comment about having been raped along with your children reminds me of what Jesus said, and I paraphrase: "What you do to the least of the human race, you also do unto me." Your husband knowingly did this to your entire family (and as a Catholic, he has surely heard the Jesus quote more than once and obviously did not give two hot damns about it). The same ancient root word that gave us "rape" also gave us "rob," because they are one and the same. Your daughters were raped, but you, as their mother, have been robbed -- of your dreams for a perfect childhood for your children, of your sense of power as a mother, of the calm life you had lived before disclosure. Whining and complaining?? No, you are stating the facts. You have done an amazing job of guiding your little lambs through a process that was stacked against them (yes, we still have no Equal Rights Amendment for women, and we could use one for children as well). Say whatever you like -- get it off your chest -- and know that you are remarkable for what you HAVE DONE, rather than for what you have not done.
Stupid media - they should have to spend just one night cuddling in bed next to their devout Catholic n nurse.
God knows Ur heart and dedication. We're not God on this forum, yet we too appreciate your strength, wisdom and guidance. I'm sure we're not alone in this either. Most important are your children who know.
Bless your heart
I thank you
I have followed your story on this board. You have brought me great strength and reassurance. And my heart aches with yours. I thank you for sharing.
Having said all that, everything you said is so valid and understandable, but don't confuse extrapolations of your mind due to lack of sleep, maybe some not so good eating habits, increased worries and fears and anxiety, etc, with sound reasoning, logic and common sense by considering only the facts under the best conditions. I read your other post too, so this comment is kind of in answer to both of these. I actually had a big long answer typed up under that one and when I hit submit, the page went to server down/error and it was lost in cyberland somewhere. Back to the point-- the title of your other post Reality Checks is so on point. Our imaginations can really distort the facts. Focus on the healing stuff, keep the legal crap separate if you can, and remember you did nothing wrong, the blame is solely with the offender, you all were/are brave and did everything right, you are strong, intelligent, have awesome traits like good character, honesty, compassion, love, etc, and you all have great talents and gifts that cannot be taken away, they may be "resting" for a while, but with each healing step they will continue to emerge again. It takes a while to become whole again, and it's a new normal, not the same as it was. I know I'm preaching to the choir here. Try to find new activities to do together to make new traditions and new memories.
You're right, the legalese and legal process is so diminishing and re-traumatizing to victims (and yes you are a victim, one who has no visible injuries or scars to show so having others believe it is often hard to achieve, which is in itself even more abusive) and the portrayal of the press hardly resembles the truth (that happened to us too), but it's not the truth, and if they perpetrate lies and have their readers believe lies, that's on them, and you (and we) know it's not the truth. If you keep a record of it all, it may just come back to bite them in a defamation suit some day... just sayin'.
Anywho, my kids had a very difficult decision to make, the twins were barely twenty and had very little counseling yet at that point, they were told by their colleges that their scholarships and grants were in place only for consecutive semesters, and after so many delays and tactics by the defense, the trial would have started in late August when they were to return to fall semester; they had fears that if the perp went to prison, he'd kill himself, or he'd be abused far beyond what he'd done to them; they feared how badly the perp's family would be affected because they had a good relationship with them; they didn't want to put their parents and their family through a trial. In the end, they weighed many factors and to the best of their ability at the time decided to accept the plea deal. That was just over 3 yrs ago, and in that time, the offender failed to register when he moved, he was just caught playing percussion with a student and alumni group where there were kids under 16, and there were other similar jobs he tried to get, so he's clearly trying to circumvent the system. Was he held accountable for any of it--no, just a re-clarification of the terms of his parole, and a slap on the wrist. Did my kids make the right decision? Well, some may say no, but they are still good with it, the perp can't teach which was what he wanted most, and as teachers that's what matters most to them--keeping him out of the classroom and away from students; and he's still managing to get his case in the news all on his own :0)
I'm so sorry you are going through such turmoil, I wish I could take it away from you somehow. I hope you and your kids have therapists that you can bounce these thoughts off of and get some clear direction for dealing with them, some help calming the fears and rage. I hope this helps a little. My heart really goes out to you, and I'm keeping you and your kids in my thoughts and prayers. Big {{{hugs}}} to you...