Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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shattered14 03/12/2014

Hi everyone! It has been a long while since I've visited the site. I just want to share my feeling and get some input. My son who is now a 15 yr old young man was sexually abused by my sister's husband when he was 9. Most of the abuse happened in the state of MD but one incident happened in DC. I have not heard anything from the MD side but DC pushed through and the perpetrator was found guilty before a jury last Dec. The sentencing is this coming Friday, March 14.Our lawyer told me that the guideline says that he can get 8-15 yrs but because of aggravated circumstances she is allowed to ask for 20 yrs.
I have mixed feelings about all this. I'm glad that he can't hurt anyone anymore or at least for a long time but I'm feeling that it doesn't make that much difference anyway if he goes away because he already have shattered my whole family, my relationship with my sister is non- existent and with my mom , it will never be the same. We are like a broken glass that no matter how hard you try to put them together, it will never be the same. My son has been my strength through all this and he is just wonderful but he wants a relationship with his cousins, his best friend, but my sister tells her kids that it's my son's fault that their dad is in jail. I have tried to see things on my sister's side and I do understand some things and why she's doing them but blaming my son and putting a walk between the kids is just horrible.I can live without her talking to me but the kids should be able to rebuild the relationship that was torn apart by this monster.
The lawyer wants me to say something in sentencing and I am not really sure what to say. I want to tell him how much he has hurt us but I also want to say that although he hasn't admitted to it and never asked for forgiveness, I forgive him anyway. I don't have the energy to carry on the burden of hating someone .I'm not saying I will forget but I will put him and his evilness out of my mind and out of our lives.it may mean not having my sister ever again but, if it means that all the kids, my son, his little brother and my sister's kids are safe from this monster the. So be it. I feel sorry that they will have to grow up without a father but I would rather have them like that than be molested and abused.

96Percent 03/12/2014

I wish to someday experience your conflict - I'm not there yet.
You just brought a monster to his place.
The kids, bless their hearts love their dad - mistakes n all
But did they have a dad or a monster in sheep's clothing?
Did you and your son just spare them of all sorts of pain from sitting back n allowing them to become more n more ensnared with this man year after year - possibly and probably.
Hold your head high for doing the right thing.
The cousins don't have to play today.
If they're all w good hearts, they will eventually see past their mothers poor judgement and they may reconcile. Maybe in time their mom will too emerge from her cloud of darkness and see the light :-)
Prayers to your family.
No one wins in this.
But others are likely spared of all the same pain n suffering that is yours.
That IS substantial!
And it's bc of you and your son!

cathymathy 03/12/2014

You are a better person than me. I cannot forgive my brother in law nor those that supported my sister and him. I put my sister in there because she had it in her power to divorce the bastard and have the support and love of my family as well as the respect and strength from her own. Instead she chose to stand by her man, buy him his freedom and now has sympathy for her endurance and lives a life with him knowing full well what he did. They have their phony holidays together and I am sure with time his OWN children and grandchildren will push it aside and resume a more normal life. Those options unfortunately are not that easily resumed by my girls. Yes they have moved on to lead productive and loving lives. But they are very aware that a family they once loved, cousins they once loved and grew up, turned their blind eye to his path of selfish destruction and gratification and chose to support him. I do not look at it from any other perspective as right and wrong. He was the monster, he did the damage and he is solely responsible for his actions. To forgive him and those around him for what he CHOSE to do what not work for me. And frankly I find it appalling that society today basically gives passes to those that do this evil. The family that now blames the victim because the perpetrator is in jail does not have the capacity to have a loving and supportive relationship with your son. now or ever. Your son will be constantly reminded of how "he turned him in". This man is a monster and has damaged more than just your son. Your son is a hero for coming forward and enduring this pain. If they cannot see that than I would say never allow them back in. If we do not recognize this as the violent crime it is and we continually hide it or worse bury it the perpetrators continue victimizing children. If this man was not stopped there would be others further down the road. Stop the cycle now and hopefully his family will come to terms with the monster he is.....but I Seriously doubt it.

lovesmama 03/12/2014

True words Cathymathy

heartsadx3 03/12/2014

Reminded mkids are of a speaker I heard that used the example if a husband hit his wife and she called the police who's fault is it that he goes to jail? Alot of people especially the husband and sympathisers say the wife because she called police. The speaker says it is against the law to hit your wife in every state it is the husbands fault. Sometimes it is hard for people to see this and it is sad. We are in the same boat trying to figure out what to do about my mom but I just can't see resuming a relationship with her if she continues to protect and believe someone who is that type of preditor. The kids are sad to lose thier grandparents but I know in the end it is healthier for them being forced into relationship with abusive people sets the stage for poor boundaries and does not validate the severity of the offense or survivor. I am looking into horse therapy fir my kids looking for positive ways to encourage them and foster good relationships.

deleted_user 03/12/2014

I am so truly sorry that this has happened to your child. I will never understand why some people cannot put the blame on the perps. The perps built their own prison cells! You absolutely did what you had to do. How do those in denial think it would turn out? They committed one of the worst crimes on earth and to those who were vulnerable, innocent, trusting!
I know what is like to have your whole world shattered. The only thing we can do is rebuild, pick and choose what pieces belong in our new world. You are so strong and so, so resilient. Your son inherited that from you.
I abstained from asking for a specific sentence for my dad. My husband and I talked with the presentencing person and told her how his crime affected the survivor, her brother, and us. I also gave a victim impact statement to the judge while my daughter wrote the most beautiful letter that spoke of her ability to overcome his horrific crimes. You do what is best for you, my sister. There is no wrong or right way, just speak your truth. Please tell your son that there are many children that he saved and he is a hero! He may end up losing his cousins, unfortunately. And you are right, it isn't fair. He did the right thing and I pray that someday his cousin will realize the amount of courage that it took.

shattered14 03/13/2014

Thank you all for your encouraging words . Our lawyer just emailed me and said that she is asking for 25 yrs instead and that the defense is asking for 7-9 yrs.The monster actually had people write letters on his behalf. I'm kind of curious who these people are.It still amazes how many people still are on his side.I will keep you all in my prayers and keep you updated as to what happens tomorrow.

96Percent 03/14/2014

Sweetie - it's all ignorance and misinformation. One story is just as awful to believe as the other when you stand back and look in. It's sick and twisted to falsely accuse child sex abuse and it's sick and twisted to commit child sex abuse. Those who are uninformed as to the commonality of child sex abuse and those who are uninformed about the rarity of false allegations tend to want to believe child sex abuse did not occur and they fall for the whining of the perp.
Anyone who has been exposed to the reality of child sex abuse and the statistics surrounding it - believes you. Pretty sure it's a unanimous yes from everyone here :-)
So, when the uninformed manipulated people who truly can't imagine sex abuse occurred get you down, come visit us - your believers n supporters!

96Percent 03/14/2014

Yet every mother who is a disbeliever in me n who actually believes I'm committing PAS - SHAME ON THEM FOR NO MOTHER SHOULD REMOVE ALL DOUBT THAT ANOTHER WOMAN IS TRYING TO PROTECT HER CHILDREN!!!

shattered14 03/16/2014

Good news everyone! The sentencing went very well last Friday. We did not get the 25 we asked for but he will serve 20 years.The judge was very considerately, fair and encouraging to my son. He told everyone that my son was very courageous for speaking up about the abuse. He also said tha he feels 20 yrs is an appropriate sentence because what this monster did is just a little short of a homicide. That no one should experience what my son had to go through.
My son and I are very happy that he won't be able to hurt anyone anymore.
I wish everyone the best and we waited for almost 5 yrs to get justice, so if any of you are still waiting, just keep fighting and keep waiting because no matter how long it takes , justice will be served..

Bandmom5 03/16/2014

I'm so glad to hear this, and am happy for you and your family. Hearing this lifts my spirits. My sons' (twins) offender, a teacher, got a suspended 3 yr sentence, 15 yrs parole, loss of teaching license, and Megan's Law sex offender registry, but the psychosexual eval determined him to be unlikely to reoffend so he's not on an online registry. It was all done thru a plea bargain that my kids were kind of pressured into agreeing to. The judge actually said "This seems like an unfortunate case of enhanced immaturity to me." The offender now has a great home staging job with a realtor with very good salary and benefits in the next town and recently moved out of his parents' house into his own condo. One of my twins, the main victim/survivor, has gone thru a lot of counseling and EMDR, and has been doing fairly well with occasional emotional "flareups" but his bro who had seemed really pretty together and handling it ok, who just got a job teaching general music to K-4 which he really loves, just started having nightmares and night terrors involving the perp, so we are looking into getting him into counseling with VCCO benefits. It's good for me to hear that there are judges still out there who can give fair sentences. My very best thoughts and prayers to you and your family!

96Percent 03/16/2014

Good news Shattered14 - good news!!!

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