Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I have survived the first week and a half of this new life. I can't stand not knowing what to do. I can't stand not have answers to the countless questions I get from others and the tenfold that run through my mind. My ex and I don't communicate much but she doesn't seem to be processing things at all. She seems to have no support at all from anyone except her therapist and me... and she just keeps lashing out at me. She continues to pivot to other subjects when we do have conversations. I am worried about her.
We met with DCS and the detective from PD that are working on this. A social worker interviewed the other siblings and as it turns out there was an incident that occurred a few weeks ago with my teenage daughter and I am worried that there is something that my eldest son isn't sharing... I don't trust anyone right now but, I am forcing myself to let go of a lot of that mistrust (Let go and let god, right?) so that I don't turn into helicopter dad from hades.
Some questions (there are so many more)
Are there any dads out there that have been through this?
How much is okay to share with my children's closest friends parents? My son, the victim, was invited to stay at his best friends next Friday night and I nearly lost my shit trying to decide if that was okay?
I am desperately trying to keep things as normal as possible at home, but that is hard.
I am feeling a lot of pressure to petition the court for temporary custody. Does anyone have an opinion? My gut says not to do that because I don't want my children to second guess disclosing. My fear says protect my children and I am having a lot of trust issues with their mother right now. From her statements she wants to believe that this didn't happen... the social workers and detective urged me to be vigiliant about making sure she wasn't allowing him into the home or any kind of contact with the children.
People keep telling me I am holding things together extremely well... everytime I hear that I completly lose it. I can't explain that.
I haven't stalked this man or sought him out in any way. I don't want to think about him at all... but everywhere I go I am looking around intently searching my surroundings. I don't know what I would do if I did see him, but I have had a lot of violent fantasies. I am certain that wouldn't solve any problems, and would in fact create a host of new ones... but I can't seem to stop my mind from going there when I am in my car by myself. I have to believe that just means I am an angry hurt dad.
I have so many more questions at any given moment...
What the hell is wrong with this world?
I'm SO sorry you have to go through this painful process...truly sorry. Do YOU have a therapist? That's one thing my husband still won't get. Yes, there are other dad's on here and many wise people who give advice.
You know, when you become hyper-vigilent about your surroundings, that's a symptom of PTSD, something that all us parents have battled in some form or another. Personally, my whole family of 7 deals with it...3 kids were recent victims, 1 past. As painful as it is to hear about your daughter's disclosure, it is actually a wonderful gift that she told a social worker 1st! That means her testimony will hold up better in court! DO NOT talk to your kids AT ALL about this stuff unless it organically comes up (& then document what was said) if you want a clean cut court case. In our case, we chose healing...I had over 200 pages of disclosures to turn in to the police that ended up working against us getting a court case, although the fact that the 1st perp discovered was very young also didn't help (it turned out that boy's whole family of 6 had hurt my kids but we had no physical evidence to prove it & our oldest son had stupidly acted out with his sister which created reasonable doubt.)
As for sharing with your son's overnight friend, there are two things to consider:
1) is your child emotionally stable enough to be away from a parent right now? Many sexual abuse Victim's emotionally react with some form or another of anxiety or depression after disclosing. You, the parent, know your child best.
2) IF you allow your child to be the responsibility of another parent, you are obligated to share AT LEAST basics of what's happened so that they can be wise in how to help/protect as well as allow them to make an educated decision of whether they feel up to the task if being that responsible party. Don't be offended if they change their mind. The reality is that it's NORMAL for child sexual abuse Victims to act out what they've seen & experienced on other kid's. You don't want YOUR CHILD to do that to another child SO you want to share this info with the parents.
As an example of how kids act out...my youngest victimized child (3 1/2 at disclosures) acted out with his baby brother (1), his older brother (11) & his sister (8). My daughter (then 8) acted out with her littler brother (then 3), and her older brothers (then 11 & 15) which caused us to have to report our oldest son too...luckily it was a short-lived situation & the DA dismissed the case. My then 11 year old is special needs but still acted out with his sister & apparently asked a friend at an overnight to take a shower with him (didn't happen.) Anyways, you get the idea.
Love your kids, listen to your gut. Maybe ask them if they feel safe at mom's? I know our home was a place of some abuse and we had to work very hard to make them feel safe in this environment again...getting rid of items that triggered memories, doing exposure therapy, re-decorating, changing rooms & even furniture...you do what it takes. We are 2 years out from disclosures & most of the environmental triggers are gone.
Keep coming here for support. This will be a long, difficult road of healing BUT YOU WILL HEAL!
Btw not to put more on your plate but what I discovered from the wise Caring people here is that children seldom tell the whole story all at once,.I was convinced my daughter had told everything but I found out more details about 3months after her first disclosure.I don't say this to stress you out or make you angry but so that you are prepared.Im glad I was told that and even though I thought we were the exception I think I was more prepared when she did open up.in a strange way I was better prepared.
I am devastated along with you about your daughter's disclosure, and your sense that your older son has more to say. A lot is wrong with this world, but so much of it is because of abusers like your ex's ex.
My advice -- my own opinion -- about sharing with others is....take a deep breath instead. Hold for eight counts, and let it out, very slowly. Repeat. Think it through very carefully: what is your motivation for sharing? It may be for purely good reasons, but as much as you and your son need support, it is not your story to tell -- it is his. It's your son's body, and he's already lost control of what can happen to it. He needs to know that he has control over when/whether/how/with whom he decides to share this information. If feels so unfair -- we desperately want to let people know for all kinds of good reasons -- but once that info is out, we cede that control, too. You cannot predict or control others' reactions to this information, any more than you'd have predicted that this might happen to your beloved son. For example, will they maintain your confidence? I'm not saying DON'T tell, but please think through whom you'd want to tell, why and how you'd want to tell it.
I'm glad that you're able to appear as if you're holding it together. That's a gigantic plus when you still need to hold down a job, for example. Everyone here knows exactly how "not together" you're actually feeling.
Yes, several men have sought and contributed to this forum over the years. None is currently active, but I'll contact one or two on my friends list in the hope that they'll check in and offer their support.
I am thinking of you. Keep writing.
Now, in our case, we chose to tell numerous families partly as an offensive maneuver because the monster family jumped from us & attached to other families, trying to make new "best friends" and my kids didn't want anyone else to get hurt. We also told the individuals who watched them alone so they could be prepared for any PTSD type episodes that unfurled as well as safety plan enforcers. To put it bluntly, if the other families who had been victimized by this family had told US, we would have never remained best friends after this knowledge plus the various red flags we HAD seen.
We are still friends with ALL the people we told. The only "problem" I ran into for a little while, was one of my friends who is the grandma of my kid's friends was concerned that my kids might educate her grandkids a little too much in regards to sexual matters. She acted like a hovering fly for a few play dates freaking out if they wanted to just sit and talk. BUT, after I continued to impress upon her that they JUST wanted to be normal kids who played and that we had a talk about not sharing details with our friends and they were commuted to that rule, and she saw that all they talked about was kid stuff, she relaxed and just let them play.
Now, the phrase we came up with was not at ALL too informative or slanderous...it was just enough info to allow me to be a responsible parent. We'd share that "there is an open police investigation against "monster family" and they abused some of my children which in turn has caused some anxiety." I would be able to evaluate from their reaction to that statement whether or not to share more based upon what the circumstances dictated. I had specific friends who knew EVERYTHING and they usually were my go-to babysitters because they knew how to handle an emotional breakdown.
Another interesting fact about sharing is that we found out about other individuals who'd been sexually abused! Even my own mother-in-law shared!
Our family does not regret being the strong family who has overcome and is thriving. Obviously, we didn't post anything on social media! And now that the kid's anxiety issues are relaxing, there's less of a need to share with others unless they want to. And when they share they say things like "has monster boy ever hurt you? He hurt me."
It is a personal decision but I don't want my kids to live in secrecy and ve ashamed of their stories...I want to empower them to be the change. They love to share with others about the importance of body safety! I personally love to share with others about the importance of having "the talk" sooner than later, according to the age-group of course. I don't share details of their stories...not even to their siblings...THAT is their story to tell. You just have to weigh the situation and figure out how you want your child to view this trauma. And remember, secrecy is a perpetrators best ally!
I have to run. More later!
That WAS the hardest part! It confirms the reality of our pain and therefore denial is no longer allowed. It took me months-years to be able to tell everyone that needed to be told...even telling the police was SO hard. If there's any advice I can offer, take a deep breath, write down the basics of what you're going to say, confirm in your heart that's the right thing to do with that person & then use your nervous energy to perform that "holding it together, strong dad" persona as you share. A good cry afterwards helps! We're here for you...
Regarding your ex, I'm wondering if exploring (in a calm and non-accusing manner) her expressing that someone planted ideas in your son's mind might be fruitful. Maybe saying to her that you understand that's a common reaction, but you'd like to know who she thinks it was, could lead to one or more things that could actually help the situation. If she thinks it's you, you can ask why she thinks it's you, and you can reassure her that you couldn't and wouldn't. If she starts to derail the discussion, you can bring her back on track by saying that neither one of you did anything wrong, it's communication you need to have in order to effectively support your son and other kids-- a united non-confrontational front will help with healing, and you both need to truthfully figure things out as good co-parents. If she thinks it's someone else, you have someone else to discuss; she may reveal someone who's been in the picture who you are unaware of; I'm not saying her ex is innocent, I'm just saying it's a way of trying to get her to see things from a wider perspective, a way to see she is supported by you and then can work more with you than against you, and a way to gain information.
Regarding the sleep over, my stomach is churning. I'm right there with you on that one. How does your son really feel about it? Is he totally into going? My unprofessional opinion is it's too early, but on the other hand it could be a fun, healthy diversion. What warriormom said about him acting out by repeating the abusive behavior on others is something that popped into my mind as well (I've found my trust for others and what they say or do is shot), although statistics I've read say the percentage of victims who do that is actually quite small. Is that a conversation you can have with him? Is it something you know for sure he'd never do? I felt strongly that my kids would absolutely never act out on someone else like that, and to my knowledge they haven't, and most others here I think can say the same. But I know there are a few here who can say (or have said) their kids did act out in that way on someone else.
Sorry to bring all that up, I know it's not an easy thing to think or talk about. Hoping this was in same way helpful. Take care, we're here for you.
Things aren't going very well with my ex. She has cut off communication with most of her family. Her sister called me last night, pretty upset. I tried to listen, it was tough. It was a lot of frustration, hostility and anger. I definitely didn't feel supported, and I am certain that she isn't able to be supportive my ex.. her sister... at this point. I felt like I was the one being there for her... and I didn't like it.
I am a bit overwhelmed at peoples reactions. The anger and hostility, even when it isn't right in front of the children, get passed on to us parents. We are an emotional rollercoaster right now... and all of that going in has to come out somewhere. My daughter (13) shared that her mom had been arguing with her sister (same one above) concerning things related to this. It made me ill... but I don't know how that can be avoided. It fills me with remorse and sadness when I think that my sons and daughter might be seeing all of this emotional chaos in the adults around them and feeling -"I shouldn't have said anything".
My exes sister disclosed that my ex is still involved with the perpetrator, and is convinced that this didn't happen and my son is fabricating this. It seems that they have been talking regularly and that they went out last week "for drinks". I don't know how to be accepting of that. I am very fearful that I need to request custody of my children for the immediate future and I am terrified of what that will do to my children.
Goddamit this is not fair! I feel like I am in an impossible situation and no matter what I do someone is going to be hurt.
I think it's time to share the continued interaction of their mother with the perpetrator with your social worker. Do it humbly, with emphasis on your concern for your kids being re-exposed to his presence and just see where that tip of info. takes things. (THEY might place the kid's with you so it doesn't look like your a bitter ex!) WILL your ex be upset? Yes of course. BUT, she isn't putting the needs of her children before her own and that's a scary place to be when it involves probable abuse again if her trajectory isn't stopped! If she doesn't believe the disclosures, YOU have to act for both of you in protecting your children. The deceit of these creeps, the sexual abusers, is overwhelming in how many people fall for that "truth" & dismiss the evidence in front of them! We dealt with that over here too! Most of our community was convinced that our monster family was being attacked because of how they spun their story...when really, they were trying to save face, cover up the truth & block our ability from sharing with important groups who needed to hear the REAL truth!