I would watch them,not because of concern your son will do something but because it's such a big age difference.Even 6 and 10 is a big difference.How does the boys mom feel about the friendship?

She loves is. They go to the park together. Pretend to be "Avengers". She does very well at watching them too.

I have those same fears often. I hate i have them.

Did the doctor indicate that your son's social delay is a result of the abuse, or that he's somewhere on the spectrum? Is he missing social cues, struggling with the intent (not the literal meaning) of language?

This was before disclosure, he was diagnosed with ADHD. At that time he also explained the social aspect of it (being behind). He does not read social cues well.

We are working with his therapist on this. She is also aware of my concerns. I don't remember if I told er about his friend though. I will make sure to do that at his appointment on Saturday.

As I am typing this I remember telling myself (and others) always listen to your gut. My gut is telling me this isn't a good relationship and I am scared. But my heart is saying these boys love each others company and do so well together. Neither of them have friends. Just each other.

Lusks1,

So, I have 4 sexual abuse victimized kids, (to give you context for what I will share), 18 1/2 M, 14 1/2 M, 11 1/2 F & 6 1/2 M.

My oldest has had mental health issues since about 7 (unbeknownst to us), which is when we now have learned, a neighbor boy just a little younger than him stuck his penis in my kid's mouth & urinated on him. This REALLY traumatized my son but he never told us until this past year as he worked through what happened to his siblings. Only since he shared this has some of his anxiety calmed down. He is socially delayed about 2-3 years, so more like a 15 year old (but he also had cancer between 14-16). He's on an anti-depressent & anti-anxiety medication for about a year now which has stabilized his mood. His therapist & I HOPE that as he works through the past traumas (there were more but he hasn't talked about those yet) that his issues will mostly resolve. I personally think he inherited some familial mental illness exacerbated by trauma. He hangs out with 15-16 year old's in controlled environments & While he's not always the best leader, he's never been a follower of what's wrong. He also has plenty of 18 year old friends! He seemed to have ADHD when he was young but since disclosure now seems it's mostly mild ADD. He has been diagnosed with PTSD as well.

My 14 y/o is special needs: lower IQ, 1 pt. Off the spectrum, speech issues, OCD tendencies & WAS diagnosed as ADHD. Now, he got very sick when he was 4 and was in & out of hospitals until he was about 5 1/2. His base personality was always really quiet & calm, even while sick. All of a sudden, around 6, he couldn't sit still anymore and obsessed about random topics! This was when they diagnosed him ADHD. Well, we found out that his sexual/physical/emotional abuse began around 6 y/o by a 1 year younger kid. At that age, he began gravitating towards spending time with only adults, which now we realize is because he felt they were safer than kids. Interestingly, his "ADHD" began to disappear after disclosure & now I would say is pretty much gone. He can sit still no problem! He focuses on school, always has, which is why I disagreed with the diagnosis in the 1st place. He listens. He still has his OCD issues which we've learned is an anxiety coping mechanism for him. He was diagnosed with PTSD. Now, he loves spending time with friends his age!

My 11 y/o daughter had the worst case of ADHD since she was 4...I say that but it was never diagnosed. We found out her abuse began around 4 which included multiple older boys raping her, filming her, beating her up, verbally beating her down, etc. He schoolwork was so frustrating until recently...she'd only do her best if I sat right with her otherwise it was distraction/chicken scratch/non-focus! After disclosure, the school she COULD do disappeared too! Her mind could barely handle 5 problems of math a day let alone writing 1 sentence in her journal. Her therapist at the time said something that comforted me when I was complaining about this problem: "it's hard to focus on anything else when so much space in your brain is being taken up by the bad memories." Trauma. THAT took over her brain for the last 2 1/2 years...until the past 6 months when she really got brave and went through some EMDR to help her get better! She can do a math lesson, write 5 sentences & draw in her journal, sit & listen to stories, etc. She was diagnosed with PTSD & dissociative episodes of anxiety. She still isn't perfect & there are bad days but NOWHERE near how bad her childhood before was! I can't tell you how many pairs of shoes & jackets she's lost until this year! She prefers to play with younger kids since disclosure. I think she's more of a 9-10 year old. When she plays, with 4-10 y/o, she plays with them, not mommy style. She can spend time with girls her age and enjoy it but prefers younger girls, I think partly because she has more control over how they treat her.

My 6 y/o had the WORST case of "ADHD" EVER after disclosure. Jumping on the sofa all day, running in circles, couldn't sit still even to eat food, if he would eat at all...sleep, what sleep?! He has one of the worst cases of PTSD of all my kids. His nightmares with physical manifestations still happen on a weekly basis & It's been 3 years if 100 % safety. BUT, this year he finally could learn! He loves to read & is doing SO at an 8th grade level. His math is that of a 2nd grader. (He's always been our little genius which was a blessing & a curse...he was abused between 2-3 & remembers it all in vivid detail.) He sits totally still through church now! He was molested by a family of 6, also raped, filmed, physically/emotionally abused & watched his sister be abused. He loves all ages to play with but especially his age group. Luckily, he had only 1 year if abuse & shared practically everything about it! He's the most fully healed, even though damage was obviously done.

ALL my kids acted out with each other at one time or another. Most of those issues disappeared after about 2 years after disclosure (we had a handful of issues after the 1st year was over). NOW, I know they won't act out BUT I also don't give any room for mistakes. We have house rules, friend rules, safety rules, etc. to help guide them to always do what is right & keep THEM as well as OTHERS safe. I think a friendship with a younger or older kid can innocent in the right settings. Maybe plan play dates that are 100 % supervised? Only play in open areas like a public park or enclosed front yard (no play houses!) Invite each other over to spend time with the whole family playing games, eating meals, watching movies, etc. Don't project your anxieties onto a situation that can be controlled...& openly communicate with your son WITHOUT making him feel ashamed for wanting to spend time with a younger kid. Review safety boundaries on a regular basis. Ask what they play!!! Have him draw you pictures of things they like to do. ALL these will give you insight into whether or not your worries are grounded in truth or anxiety. ALL us parents struggled with these feelings at one time or another, so you're not alone nor are you wrong for asking for advice.

So, to sum it all up, there are factors that can make a friendship with age gaps safe.

1) how much time has passed since disclosure/abuse? If it's over 2 years, based on my experience, you're pretty safe.

2) Honest & open communication with your child, the friend's parents, your family, etc. Review safety rules, constantly check in, etc.

3) Controlled environments! Never leave room for failure...if there's a possibility of something happening in a situation, cut that situation out of the play scenario. Interact WITH the kids for play.

4) I personally think a LOT of trauma is diagnosed as "ADHD" when the rest of the puzzle pieces are missing (i.e. the psychological facts of what's invading the child's brain.) As the child's PTSD heals, many of these types of symptoms should die down.

5) up until about 100 years ago, children were not segregated by their age/grade level. They ALL just played and went to school together. It's not "bad" to have friends that are younger or older & in cases of trauma, it seems to be a symptom of how the child processes their own pain.

My two cents. And I homeschool all my kids so I see them 24/7. Which has been a blessing & a curse...CPS & the police don't listen to well to a teacher who's the mom; I don't hold as much power. ;)

1 MORE THING!

6) take into consideration if they're going through puberty because, especially boys, WILL be more interested in their private parts. If that's the case, ONLY family play time should occur to make sure no verbal sexual communication is happening either.

lusks1, I'm so glad that you had a response from a mother that could lay out specific actions to guide you as you go forward. I love you for protecting others as well as your own boy.

Thank you warriormomx5. I am familiar with your story. Thank you (and others) for sharing so we can learn from each other and support each other.

The boys usually play at the park on the corner where both our families can see them. My rule has been they can play together but only outside. Now that I have gotten to know the family and feel they keep a good eye on them I have allowed my son to visit inside their home twice. I am not comfortable though.

I will let you all know the feedback I get from his therapist.

How long has it been since your son's 1st disclosure?

I'm wondering if your still on high alert because it's still fresh or if it's the fear of not seeing your son when he's with someone else? Is there maybe some anxiety not JUST in the fear that he'd act out BUT in him being with other adults without You?

Just food for thought as you go to talk with the therapist. Also, do you have your own therapist?

4 years.

You are right though. I trust no one.

Thing is, it was my husbands father. So I feel it is a double whammy. Statistics of victims becoming abusers and genetics. AND My husband's brother was diagnosed as a sex addict (genetics). I'm terrified!

I realize I am in a very different place in the timeline here.. As it has been less than a week since disclosure of sexual abuse against my daughter by her father.. But I am really grateful to you all for sharing your stories. I know how hard that is.. But it is so helpful to all of us.

I would encourage you to discuss your fears and anxieties with his (and yours, if you have one) therapist to get some feedback. You're doing such an amazing job mama.. Hang in there!