Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Ill try to make this short.
I had to take my daughter in to get a shot and a physical for entering the 6th grade. My daughter was 11 at the time. She is a very kind, loving, and understanding kid. Yet she threw a fit over the physical and refused to get undressed. Both myself and her lifelong pediatrician are concerned, talk in the hallway and the doc goes into the room to ask some questions. Nothing was said, and she never got the physical, just the shot. She absolutely refused. I questioned her about her actions, my wife did too, and so did my step mother. Nothing came about; other than a gut wrenching feeling in my gut that she had been assulted. We consistently had conversations after school, at dinner, after dinner, one on one and nothing was said. But my gut still roared.
Almost two years after that doctfors visit, she wrote me a letter and left it on the nook table before she left for school. I noticed it after I saw the kids to the bus. The letter stated that my youngest brother had molested her. I immediately picked her up from school. My mother was already coming over that day, so I waited until she arrived to let her know. That was the last day I heard from my mother.
I went to my mother, before the police, thinking we could do this together. Not sure what I was thinking. She failed me and my daughter (her grandchild). So, I went to the police. There was a big uproar on what county was going to handle it and a run around about who to talk to about it. It was weird going to the police only to be sent away to another station.
Back story: my mother married into a wealthy farming family and of high political status. I felt that going to the police was a waste of time because I figured they would pay their way out. Not sure if they paid their way out of it, but nothign was done about it. In fact, I had to call every single day to even get the detective to call me back. And that took days and sometimes weeks for a return call. The final call was the detective informing me that my mother wouldnt let him speak, because eh was a minor at the time and that they couldnt do anything about it. AND that they couldn't do anything because it was a kissing cousins type of situation. She was 10 and he was 3 months shy of turning 16. So, becuase he was not 16 yet, there was no crime.
Needless to say, there has been zero resolution. Zero justice. Zero protection.
I am in need of help with my anger surrounding the situation. I need to get past it so I can heal and help my daughter heal and feel safe again. She still sleeps with her light on. She doesn't stay the night anywhere, not even my father's house ( whome is the most gentle and kind man I've ever met). She is almost 16 now. She doesn't act out, which means she internalizes it all. She barely has any friends because she has major trust issues. If someone does her wrong one time, she cuts them out of her life. Doesn't matter how big or small the offense; she has NO room for error in others. This is not who my daughter was. I need help getting her back to a healthy place. Yet she refuses more therapy. They all want her to close her eyes in the session and she won't. She thinks something will happen if she does. Recalling her letter, which was very detailed, she held her eyes closed everytime to mimic sleeping, hoping he would stop. So now, closing her eyes outside of her locked bedroom is not an option.
I just want to help her but have all these feelings of my own that I have trouble putting aside. I feel like I am projecting my feelings and anxieties onto her. It is hard to remind myself that she still thinks that I am a superhero and I need to just put on my cape. Help me find my cape.
A good place to start would be to call the national sexual assault hotline, 1-800-656-4673 They should be able to connect you to local resources and someone who knows local laws and options for treatment. They were really helpful for me. The number connects you to the nearest local sexual assault resource center using your area code.
It might be possible to report this directly to your district attorney and bypass police, it's worth a call. You could also verify with them if the perpetrator's age and relationship to your daughter actually does prevent them from charging.
Where has your daughter gone to therapy? It would be really good to ask the sexual assault hotline people what they recommend in your area. Hopefully you can find someone who is experienced in sexual assault trauma and in working with children/teens. Ask about a "child advocacy center", they would have resources for the legal and therapy process.
A website with a lot of information for YOU, momma is mosac.net I found it so helpful to just read that how I was feeling was to be expected given the awful circumstances. They have links to other resources too.
So sorry that you had to come here but hope you will find some help!
My daughter's doctor said that since I reported it myself, there was no need for her too. And the first 2 therapists my daughter went to, they were both recommended by CPS. I do not have insurance, nor does my daughter. That makes it really hard when trying to get help for me, let alone, my daughter.
I have been elbow deep in MOSAC, NOVA, and this site. Yes, it is good to hear that emotionally, I AM NOT ALONE. When it comes to the legal aspect of it, it seems my daughter's case is the only one without any kind of justice. Because of this, my daughter is lacking the safety net from me. I didn't keep her safe and have zero power in this situation, to her. Well, I feel the same too. Anyone who knows me, knows that my daughter IS the reason I'm alive and healthy today and I am very protective of her. Even before this.
I've thought about going to the local newspaper about it. Just to get the prosecutor to do something. I called him everyday for over a year. Me and the receptionist know each other well. Still have NEVER heard a word from him. Come to find out, this is just one of MANY cases of child crimes he refuses to deal with.
I don't want my daughters face to be the face of child molestation in our area. But I am at a point and so is she that SOMETHING needs to happen.
My kids disclosed 10 years, one month and 2 days ago. They were molested at age 15 (twins) by a family friend who was a teacher, age 23. The way he was arrested and charged was by our one son going with police to a secluded spot in a police vehicle, and he did an "overhear" taped phone conversation with the perp where he got him to admit everything. Even with that solid evidence, the perp hired a high power, slimy atty who hired a slimy PI to try and dig up dirt on us, the police, the prosecutor, etc. The perp got his family, his students and their parents to write letters of support to the judge. He got a 3 yr suspended sentence with 15 yrs of parole which is up in 2026. However, more important for our kids, the perp got his teaching license revoked forever and Megan's Law sex offender registry.
Going through the legal system is difficult, but it's not without its advantages. In your case, it may be true that a sentence is unlikely because of their ages, but it's important to know what the law actually, exactly says. For example, every state is different, and when there's more than 4 or 5 yrs between perp and victim, it usually carries a stronger sentence. Even more important, in terms of the offender, is that he did this at a young age to a family member he had easy access to. Has he done it to anyone else? What message does it give him to have no consequences to this behavior? Where did he learn the behavior? It makes no difference that they are both family where committing a crime is concerned. About 95% of child sexual abuse victims know their abusers.
Many of the activities we did with our kids involved their perp, so we had to find ways to start new traditions, and get into new activities. We adopted a 1 yr old rescue pup that really helped all of us, we got into genealogy, and more outside (grounding) activities, especially hiking. I also got into aroma therapy a bit, that helped me a lot. Try to have one time and place each day you can go and bring this all up in your mind so you can cry, punch a training bag, whatever to get it out so you can be that strong person you want to be around your daughter, and try to eat really healthy foods and get enough rest. It took me years to get to that point, but it really does help... well, I'm still working on the food part, I need to lose about 20 lbs.
I hope this info is helpful, you're doing the right things, and most of all you believed your daughter, who was so brave and strong to put it all in words in the letter she left, I'm really proud of her for that! Take care, keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers...
Sometimes it's necessary to move beyond your local law enforcement and report to other agencies, such as the sheriff's office, the state police, the prosecutor's office who has their own detectives, or even the state attorney general if necessary. The advantage to getting the offender charged is that in court you can ask that he be given court ordered therapy, and it also gives your daughter, and you and your wife as secondary victims, access to your state victims of crime compensation office services, which includes free counseling. Our one son went through them and they provided a list of very reputable therapists, one of whom was licensed in EMDR therapy that he did undergo, which has really helped him. Having to battle political crap is ridiculous, but if you can find out who opposes those standing in the way of charging the perp, you may be able to utilize them to further your cause.
I'm darkly laughing at your comment about the fastest anyone has responded. When you're thrown into this world it can feel like David vs. Goliath--they all know the law and the procedures and you're just trying to figure out the rules of the game and no one will tell you. It's their job but it's your daughter. Hugs to you.
I was incredulous that anyone could support a child abuser. That they wouldn't immediately come to our help and give full support. My husband and I alone dealt with it all.
As for your daughter now. Emdr has proven very helpful in reducing the triggers and the huge feelings that come up. I did this myself for my own healing and found it amazing how it can take a singular situation that might give me a 10 response when I think or am reminded to as little as a 1, 2 or nothing. But it took alot of things to help me and I still struggle just not as hard or as long.
Yes, my daughter had tried the EMDR, except it was not with lights. Its was with tapping and closing her eyes. If anything involves closing her eyes with someone else in the room, it's not happening. Praying; nope. Eye are open ALL THE TIME. We tried a child play therapist that was recommended to me after we found no availability to be seen for 4 to 6 months out. FOUR TO SIX MONTHS. All I heard was, I'm so sorry ma'am. No one gave me a hotline to call. No one said try this. Just a simple, I'm so sorry. I had to find the hotline! In fact, you all did and I had to find this group.
We are a family of holistics healing. Yes, I know how it sounds. Yes, I take one medication, daily. I'm not ignorant to modern medicine. But I'm also not blind to the natural healing we can do first. THat being said, the last therapist she had was well aware of my position on medication. She proceeded to tell my daughter she needs to be on medication now, while I was not in the room. And then tried to force it upon me without even discussing it with me and me alone.
My faith in our justice system, those who run the system, and therapist is little to none. I know this is unhealthy. Mainly because it gives me a feeling of being less than, unimportant, my child's fears are unimportant. Yes, my job is to protect my kids. But who is protecting me?
I'm not giving up on therapy for my kid or myself. I am just very cautious about it.
In my state, there are no timelines for reporting. You can report it anytime you are able.
Maybe I can keep bringing it up every single year until he crumbles and just gives in. Unfortunately he has enlisted and far far away from here. But I worry for the females working alongside him. And any children he may come into contact with. I feel safer knowing he is overseas, but I feel sick thinking, well, it's not my kid he is around right now.
I have implemented a new rule for myself. Only dedicating a certain amount of time to my feelings and thinking about this crap. AND my time is up. Back to rainbows and unicorns....lol. Or should I saw snow.
I can relate to having to find everything yourself. I asked right away about online support and no one knew and no one helped me find it. It took a few days in a row of snow/cold days at home to get the time and presence of mind to persist in searching and find this board. Sure wish I'd had it in the beginning. You have been at it even longer already...glad you finally did find us though.
“For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”