Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Okay, this will be kind of a Ramblin post because I'm actually driving and doing voice to text. However I need to get this out of my head in order to survive this evening. As some of you might remember we live right across the street from a registered sex offender. His case was not a simple stupid teenage boy 1... He was in a long-term predatorial situation with a young girl who was a family friend. I believe she was under the age of 10 and I believe he was over the age of 30. Ever since he moved in across the street a few years ago I have taught my children to be wary of going over to the home and doing too much interaction because I know that Predators start their relationships with building Trust. I also look back on our relationship with monster family and realize that half of the reason that that relationship even thrived is because monster mom would go out of her way to give our family things to quote on quote show they care. In the last couple of months, are sex offender neighbor has been the one to reach out and share with our family. Before it was his mom and sometimes his older brother and he might tag along here and there but he was a very quiet reserved God. I feel that he is becoming a little bit more comfortable than I am comfortable with. I struggle to balance being grateful for what would appear surfacely to be good neighbors just doing kind Acts with this man attempting to get us to drop our reservations about their family to build a closer relationship with us that's more than superficial. Now my husband and I are on the same page in regards to the lately taken more of a specific interest in socializing with my husband. Specifically, due to the fact that we have gotten a new puppy, we are out front a lot more and he felt comfortable enough to come and not only meet our dog but attempt to have conversation with my husband and or I but more so my husband. One of the items that has been given to us was fish that he had caught on a recent fishing trip with his brother. My husband had expressed his interest East and enjoyment in fishing and therefore this neighbor now seems to be attempting to recruit my husband to join him on fishing trips. I had a strange awkward conversation with him 5 a.m. because I had to take the puppy potty where he asked me to see if my husband want just him today since my husband had mentioned that sometimes he has Friday's off. Not to mention the fact that I was standing in a dark setting in my pajamas with a sex offender approaching me, but the very thought that my husband would be in a situation where the only thing to do from the majority of the time would be to have conversation with this child molester made me feel very uncomfortable. I did speak with my husband and he validated my concerns and comforted me with the knowledge that he had enough self-control that if they were going to go fishing he would not speak about our family whatsoever and keep the conversation topics two things that would not give personal information specifically about our family but also our schedules Etc. I think that this whole bearing gifts out of neighborly love coupled with the fact that he knows that we know he's a sex offender and we're not doing anything to be bold and share that we don't want to participate with him in a relationship is putting me on edge to see the least East. I don't feel comfortable bringing this up with my therapist for fear that her interpretation of my husband and his willingness to fish with this man could be a red flag that we would put our children at risk for some set sort of sexual abuse. But I want to know if anyone else has had any experiences with registered sex offenders and has any insight into how to better approach my husband with this issue? I have every intention of bringing it up with our pastor at our next marital counseling session. I know that nothing could technically happen in the way that we are careful and protect our children but am I overreacting with my husband simply showing kindness to this man who by the way cannot stop talking now that he feels comfortable with him?!
Quickly: ALL of us here have had sickening experiences with UN-registered sex offenders, and they have almost destroyed us. We regret each and every contact with them from the bottom of our souls. Choosing to fraternize with one already registered? Unacceptable. Agreeing with hopefulmama: husband must cut that contact immediately. He can get the names of other local fishing fans at the bait shop.
I agree that everything we've gone through has been horrorific and I don't at all condone what he did but the reality is he and his family are our neighbors and I'm trying to apply a decent amount of kindness and not just snub them since they have gone out of their way to be good neighbors to us. I guess the question is where is the line drawn when it's someone that is a registered sex offender in how you treat them?
Examples:
- shared tomatoes, grapefruit, oranges, squash and avocados from their backyard with us.
- given us fish that they've caught after fishing.
- helped to jump start my car when my husband was resting and had a headache and I couldn't get it to move so that I could park it in the driveway.
- have closed our Gates when they see the kids have forgotten to and we've already left, so our dog doesn't escape... I caught them one day doing this cuz I had to come back outside to grab something.
- even once closed our car door when a child forgot to do that and we came inside... Learn to this because of the noise that came and seeing when I looked out the window them walking over to their house.
- let my husband borrow a tool or two that he's needed when they realize he's needed it and he's talking about it out front.
- giving us Christmas treats that were overabundance at their home.
Neither one of us go out of our way to interact with each other it's just they seem to act like really good neighbors and I'm trying to not be a prick I guess. Don't get me wrong, we won't be having any family barbecues or get-togethers at each other's house! Does that make a little more sense what I'm asking?
Here's how my kids' sex offender behaved after sentencing which included Megan's law sex offender registry, and he wasn't to be within 100 feet of anyone 16 and under without a court appointed supervisor, among many other conditions (he was given a 3 yr suspended sentence, his total time spent in jail was about 8-9 hours when he was first arrested). He signed his house in one town over to his atty to pay for his defense and moved back in with his parents in OUR town and never notified the police of his sex offender status. He was doing an online master's degree program in another state where he had to leave our state and go conduct a college level band that had some high school students in it, never got permission to leave the state, never notified the college or police in the town he went to that he was a sex offender, AND he changed his name. Then he moved to a different town, and became one of the percussionists for a community band/chorus that had middle school thru adults in it. Someone recognized him from when his photo was in the paper for my kids' case, and called the superintendent of the school system, and he was removed. What were the consequences of the hearings with his parole officer for these violations? That he didn't understand the conditions of his parole, so the language in his sentencing documents was amended to be clearer for him. He should have been re-evaluated and his level of sex offender should have been raised from unlikely to re-offend at least to somewhat likely to re-offend. Not only do the offenders have a refined ability to rationalize and/or largely diminish what they have done, the legal system then reinforces it.
Do you know if this neighbor is in or has had any kind of treatment for his compulsions for having sex with children? Even if he has, we know the statistics for re-offense are fairly high. Offenders are highly inconspicuously manipulative, we know this as well. You and your family have been thru SO MUCH, and have done an unbelievable amount of work to get where you are. Protect your children, protect the work you've put in, and protect what healing you have achieved so far. This guy should not even be interacting with you and your family beyond saying "hello," let another neighbor who has no children go fishing with this guy......
It's time to say, "We are feeling some imbalance in this situation. We will let you know if we need something in the future." And then....chill them w-a-a-ay the heck out. What was that technique you used with your mom? Something like that. Civil behavior on your part is fine; saying "Hello" is as civil as you ever need be.
Your children's safety and mental health -- and your own -- fly way above your need to make nice. And if you want to love your neighbors as yourselves, pray for them. Pray for the mom's eyesight and insight. Pray for those kids' safety and mental health. I have no idea what you might pray for the dad. Frankly, he's the one who should be saying his prayers.
So sorry you have to deal with this, after all you've been through!!
A question that came up was how do we find out if he's allowed to be near children, like if it's stipulated? It is NOT posted in the online details I could find. Anyone?
I know the concern is about your husband's openness to this man. Repeating my original argument, which you may read to him:
"ALL of us here have had sickening experiences with UN-registered sex offenders, and they have almost destroyed us. We regret each and every contact with them from the bottom of our souls. Choosing to fraternize with one already registered? Unacceptable."
Registration doesn't make kids safe. It just lets you know whom to avoid -- an advantage we didn't have with the people who hurt our own children.
Naive1.2, my husband did finally see that yes, in the past 6 months, that attempt to not even look at my kids, let alone talk to us, has left this perp and been replaced with TOO much comfort and overflowing conversation that won't turn off now! Hubby says it's hard to get the guy to go away and shut up without just walking away.
So, yeah, there will be SOMETHING we state to him to draw a boundary again...working on how, what, where, when, who. Thanks for all your input! :)
So this guy, in his 30's, HAD a suspended sentence but because he showed up to superior court DRUNK, HAD smoked pot AND had unauthorized contact with a minor, was sentenced to 89 months in prison, the maximum for his pleaded guilty conviction!
He had plead guilty to 2 counts of 1st degree child molestation with a child under 12.
He had been court ordered to go to a 3 year out-patient program for sex offenders and according to the police, HAD FAILED to follow the rules set out by his therapist including the pot use, drunkenness in court, failing to notify his parole officer that he was moving and of course intentional contact with a minor.
I know when he moved to our street he had ALSO gotten in trouble for not registering on time but I had been merciful in my conclusions because his dad was dying from cancer & He was helping his mom a lot. However, if over 10 years ago he had the same problem, I'm wondering if it's a pattern!
So, can't wait to share this info with the hubs and come up with a plan of offensive defense! And I requested more info from the librarian on his case. Knowledge is power!
We had a predator move into our area my husband and I took the stand , he is a predator here to hurt peoples children. We don't care if he met jesus or not he is bad news. whenever anyone in the neighborhood asks about we tell them he is BAD NEWS AVOID HIM LIKE THE PLEGE THAT HE IS. Tell your husband not to associate with him because then he is under the police radar and they start thinking he is one like him. your husband doesn't want to be labeld and he will be. her's our answer close all doors and windows, do not speak to him for any reason, do not associate with him, don't give him anything or ask for help from him . Your welcoming him into your lives. you don't want to do this. One of our neighbors did not heed our word which we got from our next door neighbor who is a detective and told us this.
Turn and walk away do not talk to him, yes your being rude but would your rather have your name posted as a known associate of his. Who knows when your home will be raided because of being a known associate.
I stayed away believe you me he was friendly , good looking, and I told our kids he is a bad man he could steal you and hurt you bad so you never come home. better to scare them than have them be hurt, molested or sexually assaulted by him. your husband is being groomed by him as are you so that it looks like he is making friends in the neighborhood and people will associate with him. But he is still under there list as a pedophile. If you want to know what he did look up his name under known pedophiles living in my neighborhood. you can see everything he did. or ask the police they will tell you what web site to go to .
tell your husband to back off, if he really wants to fish join a fishing club on the net and check out if pedophiles are on it. They try to worm their way into your neighborhood and into your lives. then your kids or your neighbors kids see you talking to him and think it's okay if he invites them over. Before you know it another child is being assaulted. BECAREFUL DO NOT FRIEND THESE PEOPLE THEY NEVER CHANGE. . I AM HERE IF YOU WANT TO TALK. Big Hugs Casey.