Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Over two weeks ago my 12 year old son disclosed to me, that he was sexuallu abused by his dad, dad's girlfriend and a friend of theirs. Dad lost custody 1 1/2 years ago and has not seen my son since (lost custody for alcohol use) Now, dad is trying to regain custody. We will all this new information I filed a police report. My son had a Forensic investigation yesterday so we can gather what really happened. My son was nervous/scared and would not speak about what happened. I don't know how else to help him. He won't speak with a counselor, nobody. How do we help him speak up and with the healing process? As his mother I'm completely devastated and I just want to save my son from all of this.
12 is a hard age; they’re already predisposed to be private/secretive. Add trauma in, and that tendency will only get worse. My advice on this subject is based on my experience with my son, who was 7 at time of disclosure (10 now), so I’m not sure how helpful it will be. That being said, the most important thing you can do for your son is assure him that you love him no matter what, that he can tell you anything, and that you will do anything to protect him. He doesn’t want to speak to a counselor, but therapists are used to that; they deal with it all the time, and know how to break through. It might be a slow process. Find a therapist who has experience in trauma/sexual abuse in children/adolescents. If you want to give him some time to adjust to the idea, make an appointment for a few weeks or a month away. The therapist won’t force him to talk about it. They’ll do everything they can to make him comfortable, and they may talk very little the first few sessions. My son spent most of the first few sessions with his therapists playing games (Jenga was a favorite, because it involved no talking). Your son will get there eventually.
Even with all of this, though, your son may never fully disclose the details of the abuse. He may keep some things back. My son told some details to his first therapist, other details to his second, and very little in the forensic interview. I’ve been able to piece together a lot, but I still don’t know everything that happened. And that’s okay. Because he knows he can come to me if he wants/needs to. He can go back to therapy if he needs to.
Through all of this, you may forget to take care of yourself. But your son needs you to be as whole as possible. Get your own therapist if you don’t have one already.
You’ll both get through this.
First, it is absolutely huge that your son told you anything. That must have been such a huge step for him. So many children who go through this, probably boys even more than girls, either never tell anyone, don't tell until they are adults, or confide in someone other than a parent. It is a tribute to your son and your relationship with him that he told you even a piece of it.
Hopefully with time he will find a time and place to tell more. The process of disclosing is so difficult for the child, I don't have a good understanding of it but I know it's very painful and complicated. The way the system handles things doesn't help either. Backing off and giving him time might be the only way to get there, hard as that is. If he is willing to go to therapy, even if he doesn't talk, that's worth a lot right now.
You are not crazy for wanting to know what happened to your son. Painful as it is to find out, most people here have agreed that knowing is better than imagining. When I was agonizing over not being able to find out details of my daughter's forensic testimony, so many people were puzzled why I wanted to know. The best I could explain was that it was like wanting to see the body after someone died. It's the most difficult thing in the world to hear but facing the real truth allows you to take the next steps toward healing. If you never find out it's like a wound that never really heals fully. However, it's possible that's all you will ever get.
A few resources that may help you:
mosac.net is a website devoted to the experience of mothers whose children have been sexually abused, and it is full of informative and validating information
Straying Toward Truth by Karen Fennell is a book that tells the experience of a boy abused by his uncle who discloses in young adulthood. His mother was a therapist who worked in the abuse field but even she didn't realize it was happening to her own son. She and her son re-told the story starting with his disclosure from three perspectives--his, hers as a mom, and hers as a therapist. It gives a lot of insights into what it was like for him as well as her.
https://www.rainn.org/get-help has a totally confidential chat line and telephone hotline which is available 24/7 and will give support to you for yourself as well as advice regarding your son. They might be able to refer you to a good place for counseling for yourself as well as other options for your son if what he's trying out now doesn't work out.