Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I haven't been here for over a year......I have come back because I am not ok, and I know you guys are the only ones who understand. Back then things couldn't have been much worse.....my daughter was a complete school refuser and my mental health was in tatters. Running purely on adenalin I managed to battle on, successfully set-up my business so it can tick along with-out much intervention, and I moved to Spain (from the uk) and put my daughter in a tiny English school, which has none of the over-whemling expectations of the British school system.....she is doing LOADS BETTER....she goes every-day with few complaints, and when I pick her up she has enjoyed it.
I, on the otherhand, am not recovering nearly as well....I have PTSD....depression and over-whemling anger.....towards him....towards his family, my family, the court system that didn't jail him, and every-body and any-body who doesn't understand. All I can see is one long battle all alone....I will never have another relationship (I have now been single for 8 years) if ever I think about relationships I think of him abusing our child...if he could do it, so, others could as well...I doubt my own judgement of people (men). I feel lonely though....every-one seems to be in a couple....I would be ok if I had single girl-friends, but they are all coupled up. I don't want to make new friends....I don't want to have friendships where they don't know what happened and/or don't understand....but you can't blurt this stuff out...it freaks people out.
I sound so negative.....if you could see me you wouldn't think I was so sad....I always smile, and laugh when-ever the opportunity arises...I am nice to people....but a fundamental part of me has been irrevocably destroyed....I know as the years go by, things will improve little by little, and one day I may be okish....but there is going back to life, to me, before abuse.
Consider that it may be a good thing you're still off relationships, given how you're feeling. You must feel, acknowledge and honor your feelings. They are teaching you about yourself and your priorities, and they are giving you time to examine how you might safeguard yourself and your daughter if another opportunity presents itself. This is NOT because you did anything wrong before -- the choice to abuse was the perpetrator's -- but because your radar is healing and strengthening. It's miles better than leaping into another relationship because you "need' to be in a relationship.
I'm surprised to learn that therapy is expensive in Spain. I thought it was covered by universal care there. Well, here are some options you might want to consider:
1.) Make biweekly or monthly appointments instead of weekly, just for check-ins. It's not likely what your therapist will prefer, but it allows you to get some professional support instead of none.
2.) Meditation is free. Mindfulness music, affirmations and guided meditations abound on YouTube. You'll have to dig, but you can find something that works for you daily for as long as you need it.
3.) This will sound radical, but a good 12-step program like Al-Anon will allow you to attend meetings as long as you know someone with a drinking problem -- and who doesn't? My daughter used drugs, and I attended Al-Anon for almost three of the past five years since disclosure. But what I learned there wasn't so much about how to keep my daughter away from drugs, but how to be mindful about my own needs -- how to live MY life. At one meeting I finally told my whole story -- about the disclosure and how I had no place to go for support for THAT issue. People were so supportive -- and many came forward to tell me about how they or their loved one had been sexually abused as well. It is good to be in a place of sharing and support, to know that everyone there is struggling with something about which society is judgmental and discourages discussion. They all get the sense of alone-ness, the relapses of anger and fear. Here's a place to turn: http://www.alanonspain.org/
I'm so glad your daughter is going to school again! That's HUGE.
Health care in Europe isn't as good as you might think.....I couldn't access it in the uk (barr 6 hrs) and there is nothing in Spain unless you got a lotta money, which I don't.....all all goes on rent and education.
I am so pleased I came here as my daughter is doing so much better.....but I am so lonely xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It is of course a coping mechanism I've developed that I rather like as long as I can still get really when I need to and deal with what I need to in the right time.
Of course I literally thought in the most real sense I was going to lose my mind that my brain I could feel was deteriorating from the trauma of what I'd gone through this at the start.... That I made myself go on medication. The best thing I could of ever done. It didn't cure me but it helped enough for me to be helped. I went to celebrate recovery 12 step love the program and it's free. Same 12 steps. I've also done adult children of alcoholics which is a great alanon group. Yes it's easier to give advice than take it. But if I've taken it it's fair to say I can give it. At some point somebody had to tell me and I'm thankful now that somebody did.
Anyway, one thing that I was so skeptical about turned out to be quite effective, and that was aromatherapy. I found scents that helped me feel a bit energized that I used in the morning to help me get out of bed. I also found ones that helped me relax and feel mentally tired so my mind would shut off and I could get some sleep (but some less than helpful habits were ingrained from the sleeplessness and I still have trouble getting more than 5-6 hours a night, usually broken up into 2-3 segments, but at least I'm getting some restful sleep). Different aromas also helped me feel OK thru out the day and able to concentrate on tasks at hand.
In place of meds, I researched on line for foods that could act as mood elevators and tried to consume whatever I could from that category, also somewhat helpful.
One thing that helped me with the anger was journaling, and writing the story over and over and over, and then writing it differently, with some positive outcomes. It helped me get it out and feel like I had purged it to a degree so it wasn't such a strong focus, and the positive outcomes I came up with helped me feel some hope and resolution.
As far as fair sentencing of perps, some victims and families do get decent outcomes, and still have tough roads to travel to get to a place of healing. I'm one of those that believe that if they don't get fair sentences here and now, they will someday somewhere somehow... But working on not letting them have any control and/or power where your healing (and your daughter's) is concerned is really important. You two are important, they are not.
Other things we focused on: finding and doing new interests and activities, and creating new traditions. I had always wanted to focus on family genealogy, so I really got into that which was a great diversion.
I hope this is at least somewhat helpful for you. Take good care of yourself. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...