I have definitely had a problem with intimacy, but it was a problem before this as well. Now, it is a multi-pronged issue. I've never had a huge sex drive due to a combination of hormonal problems, psychological issues (raised to think sex was dirty/my own minor abuse), and the fact that our daughter's anxiety issues frequently had her sleeping with us or me sleeping with her. Since the disclosure I have gone back to sleeping in my daughter's room virtually every night.

Haven't had sex in 3 years.

Yes I too am having problems being intimate with my fiance. When we get alone time at night which is rare I want to talk about this nightmare we are going through and then he gets upset and totally shuts down and barely speaks to me. Usually goes to sleep, he doesn't like to talk about it. He thinks it's his fault that this happened, he was the friend of the neighbor boys father that abused my 4 year old. We are very distant. Before this came to our attention we were trying for another baby, we really wanted a girl. 6 months of no luck, now he says he doesn't want to try anymore doesn't want to bring anot her child into this disgusting world. I understand but feel like we shouldnt give up on our dreams of having another completely, I agree we should wait awhile. I also have thoughts of sex being disgusting at times when my mind races about what my son had told me, its disgusting to think this neighbor boy thinks it was okay to do this to my son. My son wants to sleep near me also, I let him in the middle of the night so we really don't have any time alone anyway.

Having a child in your bedroom at night would make intimacy more difficult, for sure, but my daughter was in her 20s when she disclosed having been raped at age 8. She was sleeping in her own bed by then (!!!) and STILL I completely lost my sex drive. I would flash back to the reality of what my daughter experienced and I could go no further. It was about a year after disclosure that I began to feel like that had nothing to do with my marriage. I didn't talk about it in therapy, or with anyone else. I just pushed through, and focused on gratitude -- we were still a team, and we still loved each other. Gradually I was able to feel okay with my own desires. This is a boundary issue -- my stuff vs. her stuff, and I had to reclaim my focus on the present in order to reclaim my own stuff. I recommend it -- mindfulness meditation, to help you become better aware of and accepting of your feelings and needs.

I don't know if you can manage another therapist in your lives, but a marriage counselor may be helpful -- you can go by yourself at first. Attending mindfulness meditation training together might be another approach.

WmX5, you and your husband have been through more with your young family than any parents I know who have not experienced the death of a child. You are just beginning to trust that life can be good again -- or maybe your husband is not yet at that point. You've been through many horrible scares, you've faced the loss of your sense of community and of your church, you're dealing with traumatized children day in, day out, and your husband has been ill. No one can bounce back from all that without significant trepidation and anxiety. You are still married, and that's huge -- there's still hope.

It is frustrating to be on different sexual planes, but I think it's probably the norm for parents of survivors.

Yes. I was worried for a while, but was reading a book about parenting a child who has been through sexual abuse, and there was a minor reference about it taking many couples a while to get back to being intimate, so I figured it was fairly common for this circumstance. I know at this point I'm really only holding it together for the family but am dealing with depression and that takes my drive down to nil.

Well, we finally did "it." ;o) Sadly, it took taking a literal 24 hours all to ourselves and leaving my out-of-town-visiting mother-in-law in charge. She said we could go on a date so we decided to book a hotel room...NOT planning on being intimate mind you but simply to get away. It was the BEST money we've ever spent! It cost about the price of a nice meal and it gave us back our marriage. We didn't tell the kids we were leaving and simply tucked them in to bed. (We knew the 4 year old would end up in bed with grandma so had her sleep in our bed in lieu of us.) Everyone woke up in happy spirits and they all had a great time while we repaired our poor, broken marriage.

We colored together, talked, re-visited a game we had created but forgot to write the rules for and could NOT figure out how to play because it's been so long!, listened to our favorite music (that we don't play in front of the kids), took showers and actually washed our hair! (big deal around our home lol), prayed together, talked and got to fall asleep in a full size bed (we had requested 1 king and got 2 fulls) WITHOUT children interrupting because of a nightmare or anxiety. I even wore a nightgown! *gasp* I know...so kinky...lol...well IT IS when normally you're covered neck-ankle for fear that one of your children that sneaks into bed might think you are being inappropriate with them in their dreams! Anyways, just the mere peace of the circumstances re-kindled what we always knew we still had. We slept well and woke up early in the morning to find ourselves re-visiting that place of intimacy that we haven't in years. It was a nice surprise for both of us AND it proved that my husband's issues are more of a stress thing than a physical thing. So, we decided to just try it out in our home circumstances. Our 4 year old is the only one who is still sleeping in our room and we put him to bed in HIS bed, which he did SO well, and used that time to be together before he woke up with a nightmare at 2 a.m. You see, then after he comes to our room, we have to lock the security door that divides our home in half insuring our son and daughter are held accountable even while we're sleeping.

OH! BTW, CPS FINALLY sent us our letter closing the last case stating that NONE of our children are at risk for sexual abuse (and that includes with our son living in the home and enforcing our safety plan!)

Anyways, all in all, we are in a much better place now. I share this detail of life with you to encourage you, IF you can, take a night to get away and attempt to just BE married and not parents to precious, broken babies. It really can make all the difference in jump starting a marriage that is just trying to survive the chaos but wants so badly to thrive under pressure!

You are not alone in experiencing a rocky love life after disclosure! <3

Warrior, thank you so much for sharing this post with me. From reading it I see that I am not alone in my feelings. My husband and I have been together 49 yrs and our love is great enough to overcome this obstacle. I guess I was just worried because it has gone on for so long. 5 yrs since my daughter disclosed. I will work harder to get that intimacy back for myself and my husband. Thank you again.