Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am a mother to 3 boys. Two are with my husband and the oldest is from my husbands prior relationship. Our boys are 2, 4 and 10. My Stepson is the type of child who is a sneaky "screw you" type. He's so good at lying that it's scary and I honestly think I'm crazy and he's right about me not seeing something I literally just saw. He's made up huge lies such as telling the school we have no food and his Dad punched him closed fist as hard as he could. Picture a little boy and a football player punching them. You aren't going to get a scratch on the back of your neck from a tag I didn't take off on a new shirt. It was so bad that literally our whole home is on camera even the outside. Better safe then sorry.
A few months ago my 4 year old was playing under the bed with SS. No big deal. Boys are wild. Well my son told me that day that SS was touching his peepee. I didn't believe it but I told him thank you for telling me. He was very worried that SS would be grounded and he wouldn't be able to play with him. My husband talked to both boys but his approach is different then mine. "I don't think that's what happened". I believe the victim 100% of the time until proven otherwise. Period.
Little things have been changing with my 4 year old like shaking his butt alot and pulling his underwear down while doing so. Flashing his penis and wanting to run around naked. Boys are crazy but red flags are popping up. I would think I hear them talking about a penis or butt, but thought I was crazy.
3 weeks ago we were at a play center with go carts and they were in the McDonald type toy area that is super huge. My son comes down and asks me if he tells me something that I won't get mad and ground SS. He then tells me that while up there that SS said "I have a magic penis when it touches girls" and then said some other things along with it. I was so mad. That's nasty. My 4 year old is not like a newly 3 year old on speech and being able to explain things. My husband got mad at SS while there because I was so upset. Little things still happening.
Last night I was walking in my SS room. Before I walked in i heard SS saying "grab your (or was it his, referring to a Ken doll) penis and do this" as he's laying on his back grabbing his own penis, but it isn't exposed. My 4 year old is across the room but directly in front of the doors view and is take his Ken doll and spreading it's legs and grabbing the non-exsistant penis dolls have. It's pants were off. I knew what was happening. I always walk slowly to the kids so I can be nosey and hear what they are saying so this gave me the 10 seconds of listening time. I acted out and said to SS "wtf is wrong with you?!!!!" And picked my son up and set him on the couch while I yelled at my husband. It is his bio son and all. He said "idk what to tell you. Go whoop his ass I guess" meaning "your the one mad so you take action. I'm gonna continue to make my plate and eat". I put SS in the corner and took the doll away from my son. Then spoke to my son. He knows anything that doesn't show when wearing shorts is no one's business but truly his body.
The little things that has been happening with my son is when I'm in buckling his careseat (5 point) and do the buckle between his legs he will say "that feels good...." and he does get in trouble for those comments. We told him again he can't talk like that and it's his area and no one can touch or they go to jail. We get out of the car and he says out loud "but you touch me there mom! You are going to jail for touching my penis". Ugh. So he's confused but only time I "touch him" Is when I'm buckling him and he has underwear and pants on and it the back or my hand. Or when I go to zip his pants up when he's having trouble and I pinch the bottom of the zipper then zip with the other hand. He will say "ow you pinched my penis but do it again....".
I know 100% that no one has touched my son since birth. He sleeps with me still and we have cameras everywhere and what people have been around I do trust totally. I feel in my heart my SS is doing bad things and combing him for the future of when he chooses.
Now, what the hell do I do? I can't kick him out. I told my husband that my son comes first. Well any victim should be first. I told him I don't want them alone or seeing eachother naked at all. And now I gotta keep clothes on my toddler which is hard just in case he's a target too. Calling the cops is what I want to do. I can't tell anyone. Or they won't allow him over with their kids which I know he shouldn't be around but I still have love for my SS. Advice please!
Here's the problem: the longer you sit with your suspicions, the more complicit you become. Depending on where you live, you may be a mandated reporter just for being a parent. That means that if you don't report ASAP, you may run afoul of the law, and the last thing your little two need is for you to have legal troubles. Here's a link that will allow you to see whether you're required to report abuse in your state:
https://apps.rainn.org/policy/compare/children.cfm
The second, and actually more important, reason why you must report is because your middle son is losing his voice. That is, the more he tries to tell you something has happened, and the longer you wait to see "for sure" if he's being truthful, the less he will turn to you for help. He will lose faith that you are a source of safety (clearly Dad is not), and become voiceless in his own defense. That's when he, too, will begin acting out with other children, like his big brother, who, as hopefulmama suggested, sounds like he too has been victimized. If it's not wrong enough for Mom to take action, then it must not be all that bad, and if it feels good, then why not do it?
You're worried about playdates and you should be. Sexual abusers (even young ones) know no boundaries and will try this with anyone they think may be vulnerable.
After you call, take a good hour or so to read through this website:
www.mosac.net
It will help you put pieces together and make a plan for helping your bio son (first and foremost) and your SS. If your husband is not helpful in this process, you will have to prepare to make some big choices. But let's hope he listens to reason. This is definitely not a case of boys being boys, and it's not something where you can beat sense into the perpetrator, so your husband needs to be educated, too.
Wishing you the courage of your convictions, so that healing can begin for your little one.