I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. I wish I could help, but maybe telling you my story will give you strength knowing you're not alone. Three and a half months ago my 16 year old broke down and told me my husband, his adoptive father, has been abusing him from age 4 to 15. I had no idea and it rocked me to my core. I'm a mandatory report as well, but I had to figure some things out before I went to the police. I kicked my husband out of the house that night. As the week went on I learned my other son who just turned 18 was sexually abused as well for about the same amount of time.

Less than a week into our situation, my 16 year old's friends dad turned the situation into the police. CPS got involved an it was a night mare. The police needed to be informed, I was just afraid to do it because it's such a life changing allegation. As time went on I learned the awful things that my children had to endure. CPS substantiated the sexual abuse claims and in the end I was glad they got involved.

I've discovered my husband is a narcissistic sociopath, very controlling and manipulative. I rationalized his behavior and figured he was good to the kids and I so it didn't matter if he was a dick to other people.

As the last months have gone on my sons have gotten more depressed and withdrawn. I was hoping bringing this abuse to light would help, but it seems to have done the opposite. They kept it a secret so long it's like they have no fight left in them.

We're all getting frustrated because we're still waiting on charges to be filed. Meanwhile, because I filed for divorce immediately, my manipulative husband is stressing me out trying to take half of all our assets. I'm so angry, hurt, and broken because I can't help my children. I've found them therapists that specialize in sexual trauma and the other issues that plague them both due to the abuse.

I put on a strong front, continue to go to work, started working out again to build endorphins, but I'm covered in a blanket of depression. I did email a divorce lawyer to set up a consultation today. That gave me a little power back. We're still on good terms with my first husband, their biological dad who only gave up his rights two years ago because he thought it was the right thing to do.

My oldest son has struggled his whole life too with promiscuous sexual activity, porn addiction, and food addiction. My youngest I just learned has been using marijuana daily for the last year and a half to numb himself from the pain. I agree, looking back the behavior all makes sense. I wonder how I didn't see it either.

Don't beat yourself up for not knowing. I have been married to our monster for 14 years and I had no idea. It invades my every thought. paralyzes me for hours on end, but I'm not going to give up. You shouldn't either. Find the strength to turn him in. He won't stop if someone doesn't make him. He'll go on to abuse again.

Find people to help you get through this and keep pushing forward. I've decided if criminal charges do not happen I'm going to file a civil suit. He must be held accountable for what he did to my kids. What he did to me. He should not be able to take our home from us to make a profit on our equity.

Feel free to reach out to me if you need to. I completely understand what you are going through. I'm sure there are more people just like us going through the same thing unfortunately. Let's gain strength and positivity from each other to get through this extremely dark time in our life and our children's.

I thought a child molester would be more obvious too. I at least didn't think I'd be so oblivious to marry one.

I don't blame your daughter for not wanting to get the authorities involved. I think right now that is the hardest part of this whole situation for us. I'm trying to have faith that everything will work out for the best. I'm trying to absorb everything I can on this topic. When you look at statistics, so many of these monsters get away with it and are never charged. It's sickening.

We have to keep reminding ourselves to be strong and be there for our child. They need us to keep everything together. It's not an easy task, but we have to. Weekends, evenings, all times quiet, and driving, are the worst for me. The thoughts invade my head and I can't break free of them. Today for example, I made myself go to the gym, I came home and felt depressed. I made lunch for the kids and got depressed again. I took a shower and got dress, then sat and felt depressed. Continuing to do all these small tasks is so hard.

How are you doing? Are you finding something that keeps you going or takes your mind off it? I talk to my girlfriends, coworkers, and family to keep me sane. Even then it doesn't feel like enough.

I haven't showered in 2 days. I have a 2 and 4 year old also. So, that's been hard.

I'm surviving. It's taking everything in me to do just that.

I took my 4 year old daughter to a birthday party today. I put her in a jump suit to make her less of a target incase she got out of my eye sight.

I don't know if I will ever be okay.

Nobody, except my husband, knows because she isn't ready. Her dad has no idea I know. She is going to tell her therapist Tuesday and I have an appointment with her on Thursday. Hopefully that will give us some direction.

I honestly don't see a way that she could prove it true even if she wanted to. So, telling would only hurt her.

Hi, Lindalow. I am so sorry for the suffering you and your daughter are experiencing/have experienced.

I've also felt the scales drop from my eyes when my 23-year-old daughter revealed that she had been raped for about a year when she was 8 (by an adult neighbor). It explained her substance abuse, her history of depression and anxiety, body image and health issues, her horrible choices in boyfriends, etc. It all made sense in an instant. It was also the most shocking, upsetting news I've ever heard.

If you've not been already, please visit www.mosac.net for a wealth of information about being a mom of a sexual abuse survivor.

I just want to add to Angry_Sad_and_Determined's sharing and excellent support above that your next stop should be counseling -- for your daughter AND for yourself. You both need a listener who has experience with sexual trauma and PTSD (which you yourself acquired at disclosure).

I am also a mandated reporter, but I waited until my daughter was ready to report to do so myself. She was so fragile after disclosure, I was worried that if I my reporting would appear to her to be a lack of respect and support. You and I both know that we MUST report...but sticking to a timetable isn't part of the mandate. Do mention in your counseling inquiries that although you know the therapist is a mandated reporter, your daughter has a lot of untangling to do in order to disengage from her father, about whom she is ambivalent, and that helping your daughter view her father honestly, and getting to the point of reporting, should be goals of the therapy. If, in your interviews, a therapist cannot agree to this flexibility, move on to someone who will.

I know it's incredibly difficult to seek help for yourself when you have young children, but you must prioritize your mental health for their sake as well.

Ah! I see that your daughter is already in therapy. GREAT. I am so glad that your daughter is prepared to disclose to her. Does she know that the therapist is a mandated reporter as well? It may be that part of her is hoping the therapist will go ahead and report, get the ball rolling. If you could speak with the therapist immediately after the Tuesday appt. and ask her to wait until your meeting on Thursday to sort out the timing, I suspect she will respect your wishes regarding timing.

Naive1.2, I'm sorry your daughter had to go through this as well. It breaks my heart so many kids are abused.

Lindalow, I didn't realize you had two little ones at home as well. That must be so difficult. My kids are 16 & 18 and going through this disclosure has been gut wrenching. If I had to take care of smaller kids I probably wouldn't have anything left in me to make myself shower either.

I found it helpful to drop my expectation bar and celebrate the little things. Right now if I go to work and make food for my family each day I feel like I had a successful day and did everything I needed to for the day.

I hope you both have a good Sunday and do something good for yourself.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. A couple resources I would recommend--"mandatory reporter" means different things in different states. You can find out your state's laws on that with this tool from RAINN (the Rape Abuse Incest National Network) https://apps.rainn.org/policy/ You can also find out your state's statute of limitations for charging child sexual abuse with the same tool. I also highly recommend the hotline or chatline at https://www.rainn.org/ for both you and your daughter. You can get in touch with someone at any time of the day or night and you can get information on how this might play out and help deciding how to proceed, without having to worry about triggering them making a mandatory report. They are very victim-focused and support the victim's right to choose whether and/or when to report. That said, they can also address the concern about the girls that are in your ex's household.

Also I noticed in your OP you said you "separated" from him--if you're not divorced yet, you should probably talk to a good lawyer ASAP to figure out how to navigate all this so that if/when it is reported your ex will have a harder time claiming you're just making it up and using that against you in any way.

Last one, Naive might have already mentioned, but if not, https://www.mosac.net/ is a great resource for so many things you may need in this unfortunate journey.

cyber-hugs to you

Hi, Lindalow. How are you doing? Did your daughter open up with her therapist about the abuse?

My daughter was also a people pleaser. I believe this was a basic sense of generosity that metastasized as a result of the abuse. She would tell me she didn't want to go to play with the children of the abuser, and then, a few minutes, she would say, "I have to go." No matter how I explained that she could stay home, or play with someone different, she would insist that she had to go, as if it was a duty. The abuser told her he was always watching her (absolutely impossible), and she was terrified that if she didn't show up, he would think she had disclosed to me, in which case, he had promised to kill our whole family.

After we moved far away (and before I knew about the abuse) she continued to struggle with turning down invitations -- to parties where she was exposed to drugs, and for dates with anyone who asked. It was an automatic fear response, as well as a self-esteem problem, because she believed both that she didn't deserve better and, conversely, that this was the only way she could exercise any control over her life: say yes. Because what she wanted didn't matter. If she could make someone else happy, even at her own expense, it was a win because she couldn't risk the unknown if she didn't make someone happy.

Here's a page from mosac.net that may interest you:

https://www.mosac.net/page/281

...and another, from PsychologyToday.com:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201708/10-signs-youre-people-pleaser

Hi, I know what HELL you are going through. First, the therapist should turn him in to the police. They should be considered mandatory reporters. If they don't it might be because your daughter is older. BUT you need to turn him in. I am in Texas and EVERYONE in Texas is considered a mandatory reporter. It took me a week to go to the police. NOW in Texas, the testimony is considered evidence. That is all they had on my now ex-husband. He is enjoying 8 years in prison for molesting the daughter. I found an attorney that now only handled divorce cases but one that understood the criminal law too. Thankfully she charged me a flat fee and not so much an hour. In Texas, it was considered a fault divorce and they don't do a 50/50 split. But I did have to give him something. I could not believe how I totally missed it.
His family took his side and said I ruined his life. REALLY? Not one worried about the daughter. I have had to divorce them too. After 26 years of marriage and they are all history and so is he.
It all happened at night when I was sleeping. My daughter is really struggling too. It has been 1 1/2 years now and I am doing okay but Jesus carried me every step of the way. It will get better. It will take time. PLEASE turn him in.
He will not stop...Read this article. It really helped me.
http://www.naasca.org/2012-Articles/053012-SomeoneYouKnowIsMolester.htm
God Bless, this group is a great group of people who have been through this hell too. They will be here to listen.

Legally, the therapist must report. And so must you, Lindalow. My concern was whether your daughter is emotionally strong enough to deal with that at the moment. If she demonstrates or has mentioned any suicidal ideation, saving her life is the first consideration. Reporting comes next. (Every day my daughter used heroin, she could have died -- essentially, her habit was a slow suicide --so sobriety was the most urgent challenge to conquer.)

RoseJohnson11464, I am so sorry that this has happened in your family, too. Your approach -- to turn your ex in ASAP -- worked for you, I'm so glad that you and your daughter are free of this monster, and I'm glad you're here. That article will clarify the reporting issue for many, many people here.

RoseJohnson11464, THANK YOU for that link. I had only looked at the page you linked, and only today explored the site and discovered the survivor's Zoom call, the myriad links to resources and the call for volunteers! This is something every adult survivor should know about.

Highly recommended for all:

http://www.naasca.org/index.html

I want to thank you each for your help that sleepless night 9 months ago. I used all of the resources and started the legal journey. I just didn’t have it in me to respond.

Her therapist had a conversation with her at first that gave minimal detail to avoid reporting within the 72hours required in our state. Within 3 days my daughter agreed to fully speak and knew that she would report. CPS indicated the finding. Her father appealed it. She testified for CPS 2 months ago. We have to wait for a letter of determination. The criminal side is still (9 months later) in the investigation stage.

It’s 6am and I haven’t slept. I thought it’s been a while since I was this consumed by the abuse.

I’m revisiting some resources tonight/this morning. That led me back here. I figured I would leave an update and give my appreciation.

Good to hear back. Thank you.

I think we all make progress, and then something sets us off and we're back in "just found out" territory. Seeing my daughter progress has been the most powerful remedy for pushing the memories further into the past. She's been clean for five years now, has a very responsible job, is in a healthy relationship, and is a loving mother. What more could we ask for our children? It can happen in your life, too.

Hi, I am in Texas and everyone in Texas is considered a mandatory reporter. I totally understand you being devastated and not knowing what to do. It was 2 1/2 years ago that my daughter told me what was going on. He admitted it to me when I confronted him. He is now a guest of the state of Texas for 8 years. I consider it a slap on the wrist after all that he put her through. I gained 60 pounds from the stress and FINALLY, have the desire to give a crap and workout. My daughter was in therapy for a while. The one who was issued by the county wanted to REHASH and REHASH the crime. I think they wanted to keep the crime fresh in her mind in case we had to go to trial. The one that was issued to me by the county really annoyed me and I only talked to her 3-4 times. That woman kept telling me what a bad mother I was. I wanted to ask for advice on how to get my daughter to sleep at night, she was waking up with night terrors. And her ONLY advice was to make my daughter go to bed and not let her stay up all night. Total screwball. I think she normally counseled people who lost their children and was used to trying to get some drug addict to straighten up to get their kids back. We switched to a Christian counselor and I liked her a lot more, BUT my daughter did not open up and talk. When asked what was bothering her she would say I don't know. I need to get her back into therapy, but she has to be ready for it.

You must turn him in...Don't worry about how you are going to "ruin his life" that is what my ex's family said I did to him. NOT a concern about how this affected my daughter. So they have been cut out of our lives. He will strike again. And I seriously think he did this before.

Check out this article and have your daughter read it too. It really helped me.
http://www.naasca.org/2012-Articles/053012-SomeoneYouKnowIsMolester.htm

What really helped me was my relationship with God. I spent a lot of time in prayer and Bible study.