There have been alot recently of step son offenders. Mine was a grandparent and when I came to this board there were several with grandparent offenders which was helpful for me to be able to see what others have done in a similar situation. I'm sure these mothers will chime in for you and give you some answers but you can also look back at prior posts also for insight. I'm so sorry this has happened to your daughter, has it been reported? And is your daughter in counseling? These are usually some of the first things steps. How old is your daughter? As for your husband he will have to come to terms with what happened on his own and he will handle it however he is able. Men are more able to compartmentalize things where for us it is all very connected. The way my husband has handled it has been VERY different from how I've handled it. I did counseling myself for a while that really helped to get my feet under me. My husband and I now are very much on the same page but it took us a while and he wasn't always able to support me like I needed which is why this place and counseling for myself was very helpful through that thankfully short season. Blessings.

Yes, it has been reported but she isn't in counseling yet. I'm waiting to hear back about when her apt will be. She just turned 6 last week. We have an intake scheduled for Friday to figure out how to begin therapy for all of us.

If you are in the states victim comp is easy to apply for and get good counseling through. Many counselors that work with abuse will also accept payment with victims comp. Play therapy has been very helpful for many young children although my daughter has done better with parent child interactive therapy. I tried to go through a non profit center for sexually abused children and adults. They were great to get in for an intake but I ended up waiting weeks to hear back for an apt so I had to go another direction. I was very disappointed in how unhelpful the non profit was and they were not upfront with how long it would take or that they would only do so many appts free. Hard to get appts etc.

My daughter was just turning three. Books have been very helpful also in helping my daughter understand. You are doing all the right things and your daughter is very blessed to have you as her mom to protect and help her.

My 13 you SS abused my 7/8 yo son. My husband and I have no biological children together. We both have sole custody of our children and all lived together when we got married in July last year. My son disclosed the abuse in December. It goes without saying that my husband and I do not have a long marriage under our belts. It's been just over four months since the disclosure so I'm afraid I don't have a history to report to you.

My husband is holding is son 100% responsible. No excuses. No defensiveness. He removed his son from our home immediately. He reported the abuse. He is leaving his son to accept full responsibility and deal with the ramifications of what he's done. I understand from reading posts on this site that offenders often have people rally around them, defending them, making excuses for them. That is not the case with my SS.

I have been abundantly clear with my husband that his son will never live with us ever again and that I intend on maintaining no contact forever. I've told him I will not stand in his way of maintaining a relationship with his son but it won't be under our roof nor around my son or me. This is for daily living, weekends, camping trips, vacations, holidays, all of it. Period. I've told my husband that I understand if that is not something that he can live with. We both have to do what we need to for our kids. If my husband needs to leave to be with his son, I won't fault him or stand in his way. Don't get me wrong. I love my husband more than I thought possible. I do not want to lose him. But we are parents first. My husband insists he will not leave me - that he will not leave this marriage because of his son's choices.

Try not to fault your husband for maintaining a relationship with his son as long as he's not making excuses for what his son did to your daughter. Just because he maintains a relationship with him doesn't mean he's condoning or defending what he did. I would encourage you to get into counseling to help you deal with these issues. I have been in counseling weekly since my son disclosed.

This is what I have decided for me. It may not work for you. There is no biological relation so I feel no obligation to reintegrate the SS into my family. This may not work for you. But I will say, protecting your daughter needs to be your priority. I don't see how it's safe for there to be contact between her and your SS - at least for now and the near future. The court and counselors will help decide if and when your daughter can be around your SS.

Sabinut, thanks for your response. My husband does want to maintain some kind of relationship, but he hasn't figured out what that looks like yet. It's been just under 2 weeks since we found out about all of this so he hasn't been able to see his son yet because he isn't sure what to say or what he would do. The logical part of me understands why he wants to have a relationship with his son, but the emotional, protective mama doesn't agree. How does your husband see his son without you? Our custody was every other weekend and every Wed. I don't see how he can maintain that same schedule if he isn't bringing his son here because where would he go? I guess I'm wondering what type of schedule other parents have with the child who is the offender.

I really feel for you because I can see how not having a biological child between the two of you and having such a short time in your marriage before this disclosure could really cause problems. I'm happy that it sounds like your husband really wants to make your marriage work. If you don't mind me asking, have you attended couples counseling to get to where you are now?

rmbadger,

Never hesitate to reach out to me with questions. I have so appreciated the support and words of advice and comfort I've received here and am happy to do the same for others.

My husband has sole custody of both of his boys and thus lived with him full time. They had visitation with their mom every other weekend. When my son disclosed the abuse, the SS was immediately sent to his mother's house. She has a 4 yo little boy and was scared for his safety. The court enacted a "safety plan" for the SS and in this plan he is not allowed to reside in any home with children the same age as or younger than he. The court mandated no contact between him and my son. But I had insisted on that with my husband prior to that. My husband's 81 year old widowed father stepped in to take temporary custody of the SS. That is where he's been living since December 31st. The SS's mom says she'll take him back into her home after he's completed treatment.

My husband's contact with his son is limited. Partly due to logistics, we live 10 miles away from my his father. My husband has a full time job, his other son, a wife (me) and stepson (my son) - daily life makes it difficult for him to see his son, at least meaningfully, very often. He does take his son to school every morning. And sees him for a few hours one day on the weekend or every other weekend. All visitation is done at his father's house. If and when the SS lives with his mother, in order to have visitation my husband will have to pick him up and go somewhere with him. He'll have to work out the logistics of that then. I have made it clear his son is not welcome in our home ever again, even if my son and I aren't there. He doesn't get the privilege of being in the home anymore. It was my house for 7 years before they moved in. I don't play the "this is my house" game and that's not my intention in this situation, but this is the home my son, the victim lives in, and the SS simply will never be allowed there ever again. As I previously stated, there is no biological relation so I feel no obligation to reintegrate him into my family.

My husband is struggling because he is so disgusted by what his son did that he has a hard time being around him. He says his son is a "monster" and he hates him for what he did. But, he's still his son and loves him too. To add to the sexual abuse, his son also has behavior problems, is in trouble in school, has all failing grades, and over 150 missing assignments for the school year to date. Due to his son's multiple problems my husband extends no privileges so he's not taking him up him to do something fun. This is where I suspect I'll really have a hard time butting out in the future.

I have an authoritarian parenting style. I'm the boss, you do what I say and if you're doing the things you're supposed to do then you get to do the things you want to do - if you're not there are consequences, loss of privileges, etc. My husband has always been a "softie" little to no punishment/consequences - a lot of talk and no action. He mentioned wanting to take his son fishing one day and I asked, "Are you serious?" He's currently in court being charged with heinous offenses, he's in suspension at school, he has more missing assignments to count, he last report card was all F's and two D-'s and you're seriously going to take him fishing?!" This is not my business and wasn't my place to say, but I said it anyway. This is something I really need to work on. But I can't help but wonder if this boy had had more strict parenting and consequences for his behavior, if he would have done what he did to my son. I realize these aren't rational thoughts.

My husband has made his son realize that he can never live with him ever again. He can never live with the father who has had full-time custody since he was 3 yo. He said he told his son flat out, "I will not leave my wife because of what you did." I've told my husband that the reason he stays with me can't be because of guilt - because he feels guilty about what his son did to my son - as that will eat him alive. My husband insists that's not the reason he stays. He says he stays because he loves me and because I'm the best thing that ever happened to him (I feel the same about him) and he is not going to turn his back on the one good thing he's got going because of what his son did. He says my son did this and he'll have to live with himself.

My husband does not want to go to counseling. 1) I suspect he doesn't really "believe" in it and 2) he does not have flexibility at work and with all the time he's had to miss with court dates and appointments with his son's probation officer he's honestly can't take time off for counseling. He said he'll go when everything with court, rehabilitation/counseling and probation is over with his son and if we find someone who works weekends. I go to individual counseling. It has been so helpful to me.

I'm not sure if this helps. I'm sorry, I tend to be VERY wordy. It's just how I operate and in a weird way helps me cope and sort things out. If you're ever interested in emailing privately, I'm willing to share my email address with you via private message.

Sabinut,
Thank you again for the info. The weird thing about my ss is that he is on honor roll and doesn't really get in trouble a lot. That said, I have known for a long time that he has issues with telling lies, to the point that he will never admit wrong doing unless caught in the act. Since he was caught doing this, he has acted totally normal. I find that very disturbing because you would think he would have some guilt or worry or something! I wish the system worked here like it is for you. Nothing has happened so far to my ss. He hasn't even been questioned or anything! The detective and DCS worker said that he won't be in trouble or anything. They said he will just be mandated to therapy. He has two younger siblings at his mom's house and they aren't even going to question them unless they disclose something on their own. His mother had been acting defensive towards my husband now and won't tell him much that's going on at her house. She hired an attorney for him to fight whatever comes his way.

We are in the same situation with my husband's job. He typically works at least 50 hours a week, but usually more. I am a stay at home mom so we will also have trouble finding time to get to counseling together. The only family we have close is my mom and husband's family who I don't trust with my children. So that also is going to be a barrier for us. I would love to email. Our situations are similar so I feel like it would be helpful.

rmbadger,

I sent you a message.