Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi, I wanted to post, for myself, for advice and for some kind of encouragement for others. It's coming up this month to 1 year since my daughter's disclosure. I don't know if any of you remember my first posts on here but I was literally on the brink of suicide. I had a plan, I had the means, more than once I had started the process. If you had asked me where I'd be this time this year I would have said dead or in jail for life. Somehow I'm here and have committed no crime.When I look back I don't know how I've made it this far but the encouraging part is that I have. I get up, I cook, clean, wash clothes, play with my kids, watch movies, go on vacation and generally live a normal life. The advice I'm looking for is how do I stop thinking about this every day because even though I'm going through the motions I still don't think there has been a day in the last year that this hasn't crossed my mind. It doesn't reduce me to tears and locked up in my bedroom like it did in the beginning but I just wish it wasn't ever present. Anybody years and years out and have any advice on this? Does your brain eventually push it away. I'm still pretty tethered to the house I only go out if I'm taking the kids on vacation or for things like groceries and doctors appointments, I'm hoping this will get better too. Thanks for all the advice I've been given up to this point and for anyone new, I never thought it would get any better but it has
Yes, I remember your despair, and your sharing the depths of your anguish helped confirm for probably everybody here that their own, similar despair was entirely normal following disclosure. I don't know if anyone here has not known that desire in the aftermath either to kill or to just be dead as soon as possible. So many times I wished that I could have just instantly disappeared from the earth -- the pain, the guilt, the sorrow, the fury, the shock seemed unbearable.
And yet somehow we did bear them. One second at a time.
Anniversaries are artificial markers. They remind us of the date something happened, but they have nothing to do with measuring the enormity of the impact an event had upon our lives. So a year since you started a job is nothing compared to a year since your world turned upside down. An anniversary also doesn't have anything to do with the amount of work yet to be done in response to an event.
To me, depression is a normal response to disclosure. Depression is, by definition, anger turned inward, and there is so much anger to be felt by a parent of a survivor. If it weren't for depression keeping us on the couch, what kind of chaos would we unleash in the world: killing perpetrators with our bare hands, burning down the houses of people who support them and of the attorneys who defend them, driving like maniacs, smashing every jar in the grocery story when we're triggered by the sight of happy young children shopping with their moms?
That's a lot of anger to fit into one year.
As an "old-timer" myself, I know that it takes much longer than a year to let this "go" and to move the experience and emotions to the deeper recesses of our minds. Others here will confirm this.
It's okay that you're still feeling this way -- there's no shame in it -- because your brain is still processing everything that has happened and is still happening as you continue to consider what's best for your daughter, and whether you can trust anyone again. It's important work you are doing!!
That said, you may be able to speed up the processing with a therapy called EMDR, which seems to enlist your whole brain in the process of healing and becoming more resilient -- "bouncing" back.. I would strongly advise you to look into this. It's quite powerful and can have some immediate effects.
Many, many hugs!!!!!
We're almost 8 yrs out from disclosure-- so hard to believe it's been that long! It crosses my mind just a few times a week now--popping up out of the blue triggered by something, although it is present every day when I pray for my kids. But, the impact is far less powerful than it used to be. It took a few years, counseling, and talking with people here and on a couple other sites that are no longer active to realize, and then believe, that this thing didn't define me, or my kids. It was really just a small piece of who we really are. It gets a lot of spent emotions, physical energy, and heartache from us because it's a very urgent thing and a priority in our lives, and the urgent always replaces the important, especially when it involves our kids. All our other talents, gifts, and parts of ourselves are just as important, but they're not as urgent, so they are left by the wayside, and they need to be recovered and attended to. This is what taking back your power is, what taking back who you really are is, and not letting the offender own any of it anymore.
Honestly, it's still hard for me to be motivated to leave the house for many things. My level of trust is far lower, and I research and test people before I invest my time and energy in someone. But I can handle church, errands, occasionally going out with family and the few friends I have, walking our dog, and going on vacations. My husband has been a pillar of strength and support for me, and I for him. Our perp was a teacher who was a good friend of the family, so there were no family dynamics that divided us—a true blessing from all I read here, and my heart and prayers go out to all those who must face that every day. I was asked by the detective that handled our case to become a crisis response team domestic violence advocate, so I went thru the training and have been doing that for 5 yrs now. When our oldest graduated from college and moved home less than a year after disclosure, he adopted a 1 yr old husky mix from a rescue shelter, and she has been an amazing source of healing. I also had to find a new interest that I had not pursued before to take my mind off of “it” and got into researching our family history and genealogy. I recently did the ancestry DNA thing, and have found some 3rd and 4th cousins nearby (so far we haven’t met in person—I’m still seeing what they’re all about before I decide if I want to meet in person), and a family line that goes back to the 1200s in the UK with knights and attorneys for the king in it. I also found that, as a skeptic, aroma therapy was actually a helpful thing, and especially helped me fall asleep a bit easier at night time.
Sorry for blathering on about me, but I think my point is that there are so many things out there that can turn out to be helpful toward healing, you have to try some things out and find what works for you. It sounds like you are really doing an amazing job though, and I’m very thankful you are here! Sending big (((hugs))) and keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
no days go by without thinking of it and you evidence i have a long way ahead of me.
I would like to send you a hug.
its a long healing process i think we will have lots of steps forward and steps backwards, someday's more of one than the other.
I see a brink of light and then it suddenly disappears again.
always here if you need anything xx