It wouldn't be defamation if you simply say, "Here's what has happened in two of our families. We're waiting to learn if the county will prosecute, but our family will not attend the reunion because our children aren't safe in his presence. You have children too. I will let you draw your own conclusions about why I thought you should know this."

Since you mentioned respect this is something I've been working on as well here is how I would approach it. First make sure it is a good time for a talk or if your husband does better with some notice say I would like to spend a few minutes to talk to you about x when would be a good time. When having the conversation state the facts with as little emotion as possible (its just easier for them I realize not for us). "The family reunion is x weeks away. I realize x may not be there but if he is than the children would be at risk to possable abuse. I know you care about these children as well and would never want anything to happen to them (always good to assume the best about our hubby right). How do YOU want to inform the parents. Then say nothing let him do the talking from there.

A) he may surprise you with a viable plan
B) he may need time to think about it - assure him you trust him to make a good decision and will be praying for him for wisdom in how to handle it.
C) he may have reasons he feels are valid for not talking to them. Don't argue but say I understand your reasons and perhaps you are right but I still feel strongly the parents should be informed. Have you prayed about this? Will you? Thank you ultimately as leader of our home I will respect your decision.(if you can't respect his decision than dont say that) then pray God brings you into agreement. There is a verse that says God turns the Kings heart wherever He wishes. Godcworkscthrough our husbands authority to bless us and can certainly work this out if handled with wisdom. I know this is not the worlds approach often but I've seen it work over and over. He may react very surprisingly if this hasnt been your approach in the past.

This is a really tricky situation and I think you have been given some great advice. Praying you have wisdom and peace in this awkward situation. For now we are safely avoiding any family events on my husband's side. There has been a huge falling out for us about the abuse and how we handled certain situations with our son, the perpetrator. Not sure what we will do when the time comes to make a decision.

All the best.

Lusks1,

I think this is really pretty cut and dry, at least for me. I told each and every member of our family and anybody else who had children that my wife's brother abused her years ago as a child. For me it was a selfish decision, I didn't want to have live with the fact of knowing her abuser could abuse again. I didn't want to have other family members come to me and say "Why didn't you tell ME"

I would hope your husband would have no problem letting others know what his father is capable of. I would probably let others know whether my husband wanted me to or not. Children's lives are at stake here. Many of these children may have already been abused by him if he has had contact. If there are already 3 victims I would bet that there could be many more. Abusers usually have several victims. I would certainly want someone to tell me! If he has been put on the registry then he can't be near children anyway.

Send em all a copy of the registry. There's no defamation of character with that.

You can even send it without your name in the mail. His photo is right on there too, right?

I talked to him about it. He doesn't want to do it. He thinks there won't be any kids there. I don't know all of the branches in that family tree so am not sure where to start.

He is on the child abuse registry but that does not have public access. and it is against the law to provide it to anyone who does not need to know. I could get into big trouble if I were to send that out.

The sex offender registry is public but he has not been arrested yet and the decision has not yet been made to make him register on it. That may take a long time. The reunion is next month. This is my dilemma.

However, I did tell him that I don't care if I am "the bad guy" of the family and I will tell those that need to know.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts.

I'm having this issue myself. The real reason I want to talk to my husband's family about it is because I suspect that there are other victims in his family, and perhaps one of them would actually have the courage to come forward and help our daughter's case since my SIL is choosing to remain silent. Plus I just don't want everyone walking around with blinders on. They need to know who he really is

And the "he" I'm referring to is my FIL

Eh. I was thinking it was the public one.
But - what does "need to know mean"?!?!
Anyone who may place a child in this mans presence "needs to know".
Whoa boy. And your husband not supportive in telling.
Can you ask the detective in your matter what is the right thing for you to do?
Your conscience doesn't stop at "well my husband didn't want me to tell", right?
If something happened to any child - just to think of some ideas a perp can do so fast no one knows - ie take a pic of a kid naked in the bathroom, etc... So many things can happen soooo fast no one knows.
I wouldn't stop at hubby uncomfortable about this. If anything happened to a child, you're not going to be able to convince yourself, ever that there wasn't anything you could do to stop the abuse bc hubby was uncomfortable and you had to respect just that.
I would go as far with this as my conscience lead me. And no, I don't think that's selfish - I think it's in god conscience. Protect yourself, maintain your conscience. Protect those kids honey!!!
:-)

Not to mention but it TOTALLY creeps me out that the perp is planning this family reunion.. Of course he's intending in kids being there! That's in my opinion why he's making all the bother to stage this event. Yuck! I hope I'm wrong, but I certainly am creeped by it.

Hoping for the best possible outcome for you and all the children in your extended family.

I second having further counsel. Maybe an outside opinion from authorities, or counselor. I know my counselor has been very vocal to me about informing family. I agree with 96 all though my heart is to honor my husband i do take moral obligation seriously. You said there was another family involved could they help. It takes courage for sure. Praying.

Yes I don't mean complete disregard for your husband, I would still pursue letting others know and work on him more to bring him up to your speed.
Btw - I'm having a similar dilemma - my ex is inviting little boys over to play w our son and the unsuspecting parents are sending their children over to play. I'm trying to find a way I won't be hit w slander... Hoping to say - don't send your child there unsupervised. I'm petitioning for supervision and can't say why - but I don't think you would want to find out after the fact. But I'm divorcing an atty so everything I do n say has to be very careful.