Hi, Turtlesx3. I'm sorry you needed to find this forum, but I'm glad you're here. You are not alone in feeling conflicted about the man you love/loved, and in believing that somehow you are responsible for his best interest in spite of how he has wounded your child.

Here's what's true. He may have seemed like a wonderful guy, and I'm sure you would love to get back to whatever life seemed before the awful truth broke through. However, truly, he is now on his own. It is HIS job, as an adult, to seek help for any childhood trauma he may have suffered. It is HIS job to get his $%*# together and see the pastor by himself. You don't owe him any help. Not with what he has done to your precious firstborn daughter. Not with his having kept it secret -- in essence, lying to you every day for the past seven years about having perpetrated this horrifying crime.

On the other hand, your daughter needs your unwavering support right now -- as do his kids with you, but not as much as she does -- because she suffered his abuse directly for four years and indirectly for the next five. It took enormous courage for her to come to you with this most unwanted news. She had no idea how you would react, but she must have needed very badly to be heard. My guess would be that she needed YOU to know, so you wouldn't have to be a secondary victim anymore, still sleeping with a child abuser. Perhaps she couldn't allow you to grow old along with someone who would be so cruel to you and to her. Perhaps she was worried about her little sister's safety, or about other girls with whom your husband might come into contact.

In any case, she is your very first priority. Sexual abuse can leave victims stunted emotionally, socially, sexually and sometimes intellectually (it's very difficult for an abused child to focus at school). It takes a lot of therapy and time for survivors heal. You mentioned that your husband is getting therapy. More vitally, is your daughter? Are you? Are your other children? Even your son, who seems to want to maintain a normal relationship with his father, should be evaluated; it's unhealthy for a young man to spend time with a man who has cheated on his mother, and who may be equally interested in the young ladies your son dates.

My daughter waited 15 years to tell me about the abuse she suffered at the hands of a former neighbor (adult); she was 24 when she disclosed. At that point she was addicted to opioids, but I knew immediately that she had told me the truth, because so much suddenly made sense: all the mental health issues and physical symptoms she had suffered after the age at which she was abused. I don't know what prompted my daughter's disclosure, but I heard a cry for help and validation of her pain. It has been a very difficult five years for our family since then, but I have no regrets about having done everything I could to help my daughter (who has now been clean for almost a year, and who is now working at a very responsible full-time job).

My daughter also chose not to prosecute, although she finally reported the abuse to the authorities, as did I, which brings me to my next point. Please note that you are likely a mandated reporter, meaning you are open to prosecution if you do not contact the authorities about what you have learned. Because as much as you want to believe that your husband is sincere about turning himself around, the truth is that he has a lot riding on your not doing the right thing. So far, it is working for him.

If you have yet to do so, please consult www.mosac.net for a fuller explanation of the issues I have raised, and for a deeper understanding of your own feelings about what you have so recently learned. And please keep writing. As I said, you are not alone in struggling to make sense of this awful situation, and in trying to make everyone else happy. But that ship sailed long ago, while you were unaware. Please focus on your daughter's needs. You won't regret it.

Good advice above.

Another question: where would I need to go ti find out if I have to report it? I live in Alabama. Anyone know of the laws here that require it? Where do I go?

I'm so sorry you, your oldest daughter, and your other children are going thru this, my heart goes out to you all. I have to agree with everything Naive said above. As far as reporting, here are 2 links that have the mandated reporters in Alabama ( https://familylaws.uslegal.com/child-abuse-and-neglect/mandatory-reporting/alabama-mandatory-reporting-laws/ ) and ( http://dhr.alabama.gov/services/Child_Protective_Services/FAQs_CA.aspx ) however, I think you need to find out what the law is now that your daughter is an adult with child sexual abuse from ages 12-16. In my state (NJ) everyone 18 and above is a mandated reporter if they even suspect any kind of abuse or neglect, but we couldn't report our sons' abuse because they didn't disclose until they were adults, so only they could report it. We gave them all the resource info and support we could and they did eventually want to report it.

In my opinion, the biggest reasons for your daughter to report it are 1) so your daughter and other children are eligible for Victims of Crime compensation services in your state ( http://acvcc.state.al.us/ ), and 2) so there's an investigation to see if there are other victims either in the family or elsewhere.

I think it was so brave of your daughter to disclose to you, what courage that took to reveal this potentially highly destructive secret. And good for you for believing her right away and removing her and her siblings from the situation. But as Naive said, none of you have any responsibility in the offender's situation that he created. You all may not have a full grasp yet of the healing walk you need to go on for yourselves, but that is where your focus and efforts need to be at this point. I agree that MOSAC has some of the very best resource info out there at this point, especially about reconciliation or reunification. It isn't something that's done until professionals have had a fair chance thru appropriate therapy to assess the entirety of the family system and dynamics to determine if it's feasible at some point and when.

I also want to say I have to commend you for telling your two youngest children; there have been MANY secrets for YEARS, and your daughter and you put an end to that. I can't imagine what you are going thru, how torn you must feel on so many levels (our abuser was not my spouse, it was a teacher) but you are doing the right things. Keep coming for support whenever you need it. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers...

All great advice! Let me say just because your husband comitted this horrible betrayal does not mean you don't still love him.You can't just shut off your feelings but you must be an example to your children.If he truly wants to repent he must go through the process,legal and moral.Its not your job to make him do or go anywhere and it's time you stepped back and let him fix his own problems,your first and only concern is yourself and your children.

Thank you for all the kind words and info. It means so much to me. I am glad I found this group and can actually talk to someone who has been through the same things we are going through now. May God bless you all!

We are sisters for sure, now.

I'm so glad we have so many helpers here (almost ALL of us become helpers to each other here -- it's an important part of healing). Every additional contribution above is so important!!

I just wanted to add something I've been thinking since before I went off to work today: You have been doing a hero's job so far -- and I know you will continue to take steps in the right direction.

I am having a "bad parenting" moment this morning. Thinking about how in the world I had no clue this was goingc on for 4 years right under my nose. We try to protect our kids amd sometimes we fail to do that. Sometimes other people pull the wool over our eyes so much that we fail to see. I sit now and see all the warning signs but it is too late. How do you deal with the "bad parenting" moments when they come? Besides cry about it. What are some of the ways you guys have been able to turn them into positive things?

I'm sorry... It's not bad parenting from where I stand it's being apart of a world where not every one operates on the same level. This isn't something you did it's something that was done to you.

Accept it wasn't your fault, forgive yourself, educate yourself and children. One day at a time and it's a long road so give it the time it deserves and you deserve to heal.

My step-dad was an abuser to me and my daughter... The only way he got away with it was he was a really really good liar, manipulator, and my mom bought it, counselors, police everyone. I was given very bad counsel around risk to reoffend and the disease itself. I wanted to believe that our family could stay intact. That type of thinking got put my kids in danger and even with all that my mom still is with him... My siblings still trust them with their children... That's how insane the family system can be.

Also worth noting I was a victim at 13 my daughter was 2

Im so sorry for all this. Bad parenting moments.. This is no way something any of us expected or were looking for that could be going on. No way your fault in not seeing what was going on. Who knows what he said to your daughter to keep her quiet. Such bravery for her to tell. I hope not but he could be manipulating you into not reporting. If he's in therapy. It certainly isn't all the treatment he needs. In Alabama you call Department of Human Resources or the police. I use to live there. I agree all of the above you cant turn your feelings off and that's ok. But if hes truly going to repent then he can through the proper process. And your other kids, hopefully nothing has happened to them but reporting could also be saving them. Big hugs to you and your kids.

Turtlesx3, I think your instinct was really good -- put your fingers on a keyboard, let it out and get it out. This will not be the last wave of guilt you'll experience for something that was entirely not your fault, but gradually it will sink in: regret does not equal culpability.

Please be aware that NONE of us suspected that our children were being sexually abused until either disclosure or discovery. Really: it's not a normal thought to have, that our children are being sexually abused -- not on a "good parenting day," OR on a "bad parenting day." On a good parenting day, we take all the credit. On a bad parenting day, we take all the blame. When symptoms arise, we think we are failing as parents. I was sure that somehow I must not be fit to raise two children, especially when the other child's disability took precedence over her sister's latest ache or irrational fear. To me, it all looked like attention-seeking. Truth is, it WAS attention-seeking, but for a truth I could never have guessed. We would never imagine that someone would be hell-bent on destroying our precious angels.

I was always thankful that my daughter was safe,she wasn't.i was a stay at home mom,my house was the hangout and my daughter never liked sleeping at friends houses.I made it a point to know her friends parents.She knew stranger danger.But we never told her that family can be abusers.Hwr cousin was her abuser,it started in 2nd grade and although we didn't know we took her to see a therapist for her anxiety,no one knew.And this was an experienced psychologist.I also allowed the kids to at in a room with the door closed! My daughter and 2boy cousins! My husband said it was fine and my mother in law insisted the door be closed because the kids played video games and it bothered her.In my head I know I'm not your blame but in my heart I will always blame myself.You are not alone.I push it out of my mind most times.

We all have days/moments of self blame. Intellectually we know that it's not our fault, but it's hard to really convince ourselves of this. You'll be driving down the road, remember a small thing that seems a clear sign to you now, and completely break down with self blame. But while those signs are visible to us now, most of us had no way of interpreting those signs for what they were at the time. Our children may have even tried, in their own way, to talk to us about it, but we didn't understand the context of their vague remarks or questions.

We can't change the past. We just have to do everything we can to help our children now and in the future.

He's a child molester, so you leave and take your kids!

Turtlesx3, we seem to have a very similar story. I know how difficult all of this is to come to terms with. My husband abused my oldest daughter when she was 11 (and possibly before then, also.) The truth didn't all come out until she was 17, and I made him leave. He is not her biological father, though we were married when she was a toddler and she only knew him as her dad for all of her life. We have 3 other children that are biologically his.
When everything came out, he confessed that he's a "sex addict" and started going to therapy. At first my younger kids were still seeing him once a week for lunch, but I felt increasingly uncomfortable with that, not because I was afraid he was going to harm them, but just from the fact that as much as it was hard to comprehend, he was a child molester. He CHOSE to harm our daughter and keep it a secret and live a lie for years afterward.
We are now divorced and I have full custody of our younger three children (16 yr old daughter, 15 yr old son, and 13 yr old son.) My oldest daughter is almost 21 and a junior in college.
It took a while for me to disclose to my children what their dad did, and I didn't even share any details, just very broad basics. They chose on their own to no longer have contact with him.
It's still all incredibly difficult every day. Charges were not pressed, and he is just living his life (supposedly "sober" from his sex addiction and attending regular meetings and therapy and whatever.)
He was my best friend. I thought we had this amazing relationship. We never fought, we were always lovey dovey and affectionate (which in hindsight, disgusts me.)
I still find myself in shock every single day. I can't look at family photos anymore because it feels like he ruined everything.
I am trying to focus on the future and moving forward, but sometimes I get stuck dwelling on the past. I know that my (now ex) husband feels sorry for himself and feels like it's unfair that he doesn't see our kids anymore.
The truth is though that HE made the choices that led to this.