There is another site on here for survivors of sexual abuse,I go there occasionally to "see the future" and I can tell you the children who were believed,supported and received help are leading fulfilling lives.Are there problems,of course,but they know when those problems arise to ask for help.i have asked that very question and the wonderful people on that site were so kind to reassure me that because we are supportive and being proactive that will make a huge difference.i must warn you if you go there be prepared for some very sad stories.Not everyone was supported and not everyone is doing well.But I find it very therapeutic and I have developed a sense of sympathy for them.i have worried about the same thing,how will my daughter be OK with the sexual aspect of marriage,but I think as long as we continue to get therapy and in the future talk about the problems when the arise everything g will work out.

Also I have to say I was always worried about school,but I have come to the conclusion that she will finish on her own timeline,if that means an Xtra year so be it,her health is more important.i use to push her hard to go to school and she pushed back hard,looking back I realize she could not handle it.Now that we found a school that fits she is a lot calmer and doesn't mind going.When it's time for college well that's her decision,but my hope is that she will want to go,even a year or 2 later.If not then so be it.Take some time for the 2of you to just breath,relax if you can and everything will fall into place.

My daughter was just two classes shy of graduation, and on her way to a very prestigious grad program, when she told me (in a session to which her therapist invited me) that she was addicted to opiates -- shocked me completely, as I didn't even know that she had tried drugs at all (and I was also active in our community in a drug-use prevention group -- ah, life!). It wasn't until 10 months later that she disclosed that she had been repeatedly raped by an adult neighbor when she was only in second grade. Her addiction started while she was in college, living apart from us with a horrible, manipulative boyfriend who introduced her to pain pills, so she was able to hide her addiction. I still don't know how she managed to get top-of-the-class grades in college. She said she would go through withdrawal all day during class time, and then take the drugs when she got home.

I'll skip several gigantic steps here and say that our first challenge was helping her to get clean. Then she could begin to work on fallout from the abuse (and two subsequent rapes in college -- her boundaries were obliterated by the abuse, which made her susceptible to being with dangerous people). She has now been completely clean for about a year and a half. She is back in school to complete her undergrad degree, and is working part-time. Remarkably, she has found a boyfriend who is a really good guy. It is all happening at a much later age than we would ever have imagined, but it is happening.

Knowing about the abuse, and believing and supporting your daughter, when she is still young gives her an enormous advantage over parents who learn about abuse many years later. That time allows the damage to deepen, the self-misperceptions to solidify. I don't think my daughter ever would have looked twice at the scumbag old boyfriend if she had disclosed when she was young and if we had had all 14 of those intervening years to help her truly to "move on." (Yes, that phrase infuriates me, too.) Keep pressing forward, keep helping your daughter to learn about who she truly is -- a survivor second, a whole person first. If it could improve for my daughter -- finally, after keeping secrets and acting on wrong information about herself, and after all the extra pain she has endured -- you have reason to remain very, very hopeful.

I cannot tell you how much both your experiences help me.....you are many steps forward in the process of coping and recovery.....the short amount of time I have spent with this community has helped me realise I don't have to force my daughter and myself to fit in with the norm.....we are on our own journey, and it will take as long as it takes, and I do not want others expectations to further hinder our progress.....of course there are practical considerations, like the stupid ed authority trying issue penalty notices etc. but, as my daughter is still so young, I am thinking of opting her out for a while. My lovely link worker says there is scope for education off school site, but I don't know yet if we fit the criteria.....I am not panicking about this....I am trying to set back a bit and get a bigger picture and take a longer term view.

I will visit the other site you mention hopefulmama.....I bide your warning.......can it be any worse than my nightmares?

Naive, I know you are right....my daughter has an enormous head start.....thank god her dad was not able to make her keep secrets because I had already told her secrets were not allowed, she disclosed completely innocently because she didn't know about 'bad touches' because I had never left her with anyone but her own dad ...... OH FOOL ME

I sensed that my daughter was keeping secrets when she was young. I always told her she could tell me anything. I am also certain that I even told her that she could especially tell me secrets that someone might tell her not to tell anyone, that sometimes those secrets need to be told.

Nothing. Not a word. I still sensed there was something, but I am quite certain that the true nature of her secrets was something I could never, ever have imagined.