Dear God, what a sad discovery. He is certainly accustomed to receiving no help from the adults presented to him as authority figures. What do you think would happen if you told your brother you know about the abuse? And what do you think he might do to his girlfriend for telling you? Or do you think she was trying to enlist you in some way to advocate for him? Is it possible for you to say that, looking back to your childhood, your brother's scouting days coincided with deep emotional changes you noticed at the time and that you just put the pieces together? Could you mention that you've been reading more about BPD and how it's commonly diagnosed where cPTSD might be more appropriate? Do you think that would give him hope, or push him further away?

It is such a delicate matter. I know this acutely because I lost a family member to suicide two months ago, and now suspect that he may have been sexually abused as a child, although subsequent traumas in his life might have been enough to lead to his suicidal feelings. I wouldn't dare to suggest what you SHOULD do, but maybe you could consult with someone at the psych hosp who has experience in dealing with suicidal patients and disclosure. I'll see if I can find any literature on when these conditions coincide.

I will hope for warmth and security for your brother, too, and will pray that he is treated with mercy in jail.

Here's one study dealing with young adults. It's hard to project whether serious suicidal ideation is more likely to lead to attempts with age, but it would seem to make sense if the sexual abuse survivor has suffered increasing mental health crises.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7246433/

PLEASE know this: just as with a loved one of an addict, you are powerless to control your brother's suicidal thinking, or his decisions, especially those made in poor mental health. I say this to comfort you no matter what you decide to do with your new knowledge about his childhood. Whatever your brother decides to do, it is not yours to claim, nor are you to blame. Many people in my family tried to reach out to the suicidal member, but he stopped replying and continued to push us away. Had we not reached out, he would have still been deeply depressed. In spite of our efforts -- and we all feel regret that we did not do more to help him -- he was still determined enough to buy a gun and bullets, and yet to have his oil changed and buy deodorant the day he killed himself, as if he had a future. He left no note.

All we can truly do for your brother right now is to pray that God will somehow intervene on his behalf in a form we had not considered nor tried ourselves. And I will pray for you as well.

Thanks so much for your words and your prayers Naive. They released him from the jail this morning and as a going away present they gave him a bottle of 150 Klonopin that he had left the last time he was there. When they knew he had entered directly from the psych unit. It almost seems like they're trying to help him do it... I messaged him but haven't heard from him yet. I live 3 hours away--if making the trip and giving him a ride back to the psych ward would help I'd go but now I don't even know where he is or what would happen if I did go.

So just praying and releasing him to God for now.
He did contact his girlfriend, he told her about the Klonopin, but he hasn't contacted me back. She's out of state now too.

What a wrenching time for you and others who care for your brother. To complicate matters, there's Covid, so you might also be endangering the rest of your family if you were to pick him up. You can't know if the jail had taken precautions, or who he's been in contact with since, even if the jail had followed guidelines.

I think jails have to return all personal property upon release, unless it was obtained illegally. In this case, that's a shame.

I did talk to him for awhile today. He seemed in good spirits. I hope that's a good sign and not a bad one. He was waiting for someone to pick him up and had some kind of plan for where to go next, not very realistic or thinking more than a day or two in the future but at least something. I'm back to just waiting til the next phone call and can't do much else.

I'm still processing the news I got about his boy scout days. I think eventually he'll know that I know and he'll be good with it. It seems like he kept hinting at both of us for his (actually ex-) girlfriend to tell me, like he wanted me to know but didn't want to tell me himself. He does have a therapist but doesn't do that well at keeping appointments, but I have a release to talk to his therapist so I'll try to get ahold of him on Monday. He might have already known of the disclosure anyway. I'm glad he finally told someone. As hard as it is for girls to tell it seems it's even harder for boys.

This does send my mind back down a rabbit hole again though--we have a sister several years younger (he and I are close in age) and I know she hasn't wanted more to do with him than she has to as an adult. After my kids' disclosure sometimes I wondered if my brother had ever abused her, now knowing he was a victim I wonder even more. Also, in the first days after I found about my son's behavior, I went on a walk to talk to him and one thing I asked him was whether anyone had ever done anything like that to him. He said no and I assumed that meant no at the time but knowing more now I still wonder, and of course this gets me back to wondering again. I rack my brain to think who or where it could have happened to him. Nothing I can think of but it's always the last person you'd suspect anyway.

Well, he made it through the weekend. Praise God. I talked to him briefly today, don't really know what he's up to but we had a nice conversation. I was starting to feel out if he was ready for me to tell him I know his history but he got another call. I really don't know what he's up to now and that usually means it's something illegal or immoral (nothing fattening, he's been losing a lot of weight). I found out we both have a fantasy of moving to a cabin in the north woods with good internet (like I said, a fantasy) and a decent road to go get groceries, and just live alone where we don't have to deal with people or messing up anyone's life.

Hi brknhrt

So sorry for the extra pain. It is hard to watch those we love struggle with the consequences of abuse. Naive has given you a lot of wisdom. Not sure what I can add. Look for opportunities for the conversation to naturally head this way, or think of some openrrs which could lead that way. Men process this differently too. Maybe even write down what you would like to say that way your thoughts can be referred to.

All the best and big hugs across the miles.

OT -- this made me laugh out loud: "we both have a fantasy of moving to a cabin in the north woods with good internet (like I said, a fantasy)"! Thanks!

Glad to hear that your brother is still among us, and that you can have contact with his therapist. But gosh, all the unknowns. That terror is too familiar from my daughter's drug abuse days.

Your concerns about your younger sister are valid, It could be something less dramatic, though, too. My younger daughter avoided my older daughter almost at all costs when older daughter was using. Older daughter was decidedly mean to younger, usually when I wasn't looking, so younger had good reason to avoid her. But it may be worth exploring with your younger sister. It would be nice to have a closer relationship as you get older. It can be very sweet to have a lifelong friend who already knows "everything."