This is so normal. Hun you are still in shock! You can't expect to be able to function without thinking about the horrible things your family is going through after two weeks. I was the same way and began having panic attacks. I was fine, in Walmart doing my shopping and there was nothing in particular I was thinking of, then it hit me. I couldn't breath, I felt nervous, sweating, tearing up. It took over two hour to start calming down. I spoke with my doctor. He put me on citalopram and gave me a sleeping pill. Not for everyone, but it really helped me rationalize what was happening and what I had to do.

The most important thing for you, is to get your sleep. You will not be able to continue without it. And I do fear you may breakdown if you don't. I was there. Don't worry about hubby's lunch or the house. Do what you have to and keep it tidy, but for now, just take it slow. It takes time to absorb this. Check out www.mosac.net it is a great sites to help you understand what you are going through and justify it. Just hang in there. You are strong enough to do this. Come here when you need it. These are wonderful people.

Thank you so much!! I needed to hear that and I am sure you knew that!! It has helped tremendously!! Again, thank you!!

This is so normal and I can relate to everything you say. For me it's just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping my feet don't get knocked out from under me again. My counsellor is very good at getting me to do things for myself and always asks what I am going to do when I leave her room. It has pushed me to give myself down time, practise things like mindfulness, get out more with friends and more. I would second the mosaic. net site. I came across it several weeks ago and it really helped me to accept that what I was experiencing was normal.

Hang in there and take each day as it comes, sometimes each minute as it comes. It's an intense way to live, but for now that is our reality. Hoping you can get some much needed sleep and feel human again.

, hugz

When I start feeling like this...and for me it can become feeling sorry for myself....I have to, yes, allow it for a hot minute....but I look to find the positive in the situation. When life becomes overwhelming you have to feel it coming and ride it like a wave and land softly on the beach...basically don't fight with all those little things as "chores" or "have to do's"...do them because you enjoy doing them even the tough ones. Like if your children on on your last nerves.,...rough..of course they are... but be grateful we have even those tougher moments....they are just challenges not deal breakers. Does that make sense? Sometimes as women we expect so much more out of yourselves than families are really asking.....like housework, or cooking or whatever stresses you beyond, make things easier on yourself and then you can see the light a little closer. As I got older I discovered all the fussing about the perfect house, perfect clothes, perfect family, are a huge waste of energy and created some moments I would like to forget....and then when I learned that those "perfect moments" were real lies, I felt sad I had wasted all the energy on that...we can never get time that is lost back...we can only live it better tomorrow.

All wise advice! YES, you are in shock. For me, I was literally knocked back on the couch for weeks -- it was as if I had been punched in the head, and was reeling. I got NOTHING done -- I'm still paying for it months later in terms of big and little piles of stuff I didn't attend to -- but I have forgiven myself for my messy house, my unevenly stocked fridge, papers unsorted, etc., because I have never been through anything as overwhelmingly upsetting as this before. I have grieved the loss of loved ones and still attended to chores and to caring for myself -- death, even untimely death, of loved ones is something we expect to endure in our lifetimes! We certainly do NOT expect to learn that our very perceptions of reality were lies. The brain is not made to process that much deception AND the sorrow we feel about our children's pain AND the anger we feel toward the perpetrator (and in many cases, the loss of support we feel from our most trusted confidants and beloved family members). It's as if we have suffered a "life concussion" -- we need to take time to heal our brains. To hell with the laundry and vacuuming, etc. As for packing lunches for a grown man, no matter how hard he works -- that's why God invented McDonald's, etc. -- it may cost more than brown-bagging, but it's temporary, a contribution to your mental health; he will survive.

As far as feeling guilty about taking time for yourself -- that's your soul trying to punish itself for what happened, as if by doing ONLY for your family will atone for the crime you missed. You didn't miss it: it was deliberately, evilly, hidden from you -- if it weren't carefully hidden, how could the perp have gotten what he wanted?? You wouldn't have allowed it if he'd ASKED -- he had to STEAL it from you. Doing ONLY for your family is a way for you to atone for sins that are not yours. Doing ONLY for your family is no insurance against other bad things happening. It is, however, insurance that you will do more damage to yourself. When someone has a concussion, research shows that they will heal faster if they STOP doing any kind of complicated thinking. This is also true for a "life concussion" -- you MUST make time to take breaks, even if you have to force yourself to do so for awhile. MAKE yourself take a walk, or get a pedicure, or go to an art museum, or play solitaire or do jigsaw puzzles, and MAKE yourself take time out to concentrate on your breathing, if even for five minutes a day -- thinking only about your breathing, and -- if your mind wanders, and it will -- bringing your concentration consciously back to your breathing. As stupid and as basic as that sounds, concentrating on your breathing is a huge way to take a break, and it is a skill at which you can become better, and reach some kind of peacefulness faster. Five minutes of peace per day is 100% more peace than you feel now.

Please keep coming here to express yourself. The fact that you've found this site is your heart's way of telling you that you really do want to take care of yourself in order to begin healing, and that you are capable of taking steps in that direction. You can do it. In fact, do you really have any other choice?

And by the way, if, during any of your attempts to take a break, you DO collapse in tears, maybe that's just what you need for that moment. Screw it if others see you cry: if strangers see you cringing and become concerned (and God bless strangers like those), you can simply tell them that you just learned some upsetting news, but that you'll be okay in a bit, because you will.

I am reposting southrngrl82's comments here, so we can keep all our responses to Charity7 in one thread. Southrngrl82 said:


I know that feeling. I'm the one that does all around here, and although I do have family here, and they have offered to help out, they don't always come through. Sometimes I just want a day to myself just so I can breathe and not hold everything in because my kids are right there looking at me. I will tell you that it gets easier. The first couple of weeks after my daughter told us was like a blur. I literally couldn't eat---pretty sure I have a full blown ulcer at this point. The only reason I slept was because I cried so often after they went to bed that it wore me out. It' good that you are acknowledging that you need help and support to. I think the nervous breakdowns happen because people pretend it's not happening. It helped me that I was able to talk to my husband about it---a lot. He also knows that I'm bad about taking care of myself. He looked at me one day and said "You're the one that dies on the plane"---because I'm so busy putting on everyone else's mask that I don't do my own. It was harsh, but he was right. I have to take care of myself if I'm going to take care of them. One way I did this was to stop being so hard on myself. The house looks horrible and school schedule took forever to get back into. Our dd told us in November; it was mid February before school started happening everyday again. I also avoided our homeschool groups at first. It was just hard to face everyone feeling like I would crack at any moment, but little by little it has gotten easier. This board has helped, and my husband is a God send. It will get easier, especially when you have people you can vent to.

Well said Naive....much love!

Wow I couldn't have said it better with how it was for me after finding out. The first two weeks were the worst and I thought I would pass out in the store from how stressed out I was. I homeschool my kids and now it has been going on four months and I still struggle with normal life activities. A big one is not getting up with my husband and making lunch. I really enjoy our time in the morning but I just can't get out of bed at the moment. I decided that my body just needs more sleep and when I don't get up I have a better attitude with the kids and our day goes better. So for now it is what it is. I pretty much am on a very light schedule with school we do maybe two days three in a good week of school and that is maybe an hour or two max. What we do do is get together with our homeschool group at least once a week usually just going to a park. Also for school we did things from this book Trauma Through A Child's Eyes it has awesome exercises to engage a childs natural healing instincts. I couldn't say enough at how much I felt the exercises helped and the kids loved it it was like a game for them. We learned about feelings etc. So learning is happening it just is alot around personal boundaries and things to equip them. Working in a book or something helped me feel like I was doing something since at first it just felt like alot of nothing was happening on the investigation end still isn't. We aIso go to the zoo or maybe one day we catch up on laundry. We eat out or pick up food often. My favorite thing right now is fresh fruit and veggies trays often I buy the premade ones just so I have food to pull out for the kids. I try to keep healthy snacks easy things on hand, nuts, meats, cheeses all things that can be basically taken from fridge to table.

As far as taking care of yourself the BEST thing I did was start counseling. I can only go every other week on my husbands payday but I look forward to it and it takes so much stress off of me. It really feels good. The other thing we do is get outside we are getting lots of nice weather I love to walk places and be outside the sunshine really helps. This is like hell on earth and I'm so grateful for the support here I don't know where I would be without moms that get it like they do. Others struggling or have struggled like me. Hang in there it will get better little by little. You can do it you are strong and you can do this. How about we'll do it together :) Keep posting just like you did there isn't anything you couldn't say here just let it out we get it and it does help.

This Site really needs a like button. Such great advice all around. Like like like

Typical. You are not selfish. Taking care of oneself during this time is very hard indeed. My husband admitted that he was grateful to go to work everyday. Things got incredibly intense and stayed that way for months. I stayed at home and cared for my daughter day and night for months. Yes, you will survive and no you won't lose your mind. You are strong enough, trust me. Mothers are incredibly strong.

We are over 2 years past disclosure date and now have peace and happiness once again in our family. Do the hard work now and you will reap the benefits later. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, my friend.

Blessings to you and your family,

Laura

Hi hun -
I didn't read others' posts here. But... You need a new you in your new life.
I thank God for my job outside my home right now. Holy cow, I would be a mess right now if I didn't have outside obligations.
I suggest finding something for yourself that obligates you too. Home schooling may need to slide this year???
I just know, I couldn't be in my house right now.
Who cares about a messy home??? Let it go :-). Maybe get a job that gives you funds to hire cleaning person?
For myself I found that chasing perfection is in part what distracted me in the face of the perp. I was working full time, very engaged w my kids, kept very clean home, cooked all the time, helped at kids' schools, did the man jobs n woman jobs around the house... Was soooooo busy chasing my tail like a dog keeping things up - that I didn't see.
Maybe like me, you need to free yourself up too so you can see also.
You seem to have such a beautiful heart.
But get rid of some of your less important jobs that are distracting you from your most important one - we all can do that.
And find a way to obligate yourself out of the house.
Your assessments are exactly right.
You need to save yourself so you can save your kids :-)
Luv to ya!

The other disappointing reality to this matter -
My husband had stIIIc colon cancer - people were so supportive - made him a quilt for chemo sessions, cooked for us, bought us certs for take out, offered to help watch the kids...
Then this happened in our home - and there's only a very few helping. No food, no take out certs, no quilts... Rather it's like were lepers - and as protective parents, it's almost as if we take this stand alone. And this one - it's wayyyyyy harder than having a husband w cancer at same time as 3 mo post partum, 3 mo young twins n a 2yr old n 3 yr old n having to go to work thru it all. In hindsight - that was NOTHING!
It's just a reality in this battle and smth to come to terms w - and I vow that if ever I personally know someone in my situation - to show up at her door offering help and support!
:-)

I'm not at all surprised, and your informed comparison would surely startle most people. I sometimes wonder if I'm exaggerating in my mind how difficult this is. Apparently not.

I make some awesome casseroles. Wish I were close enough to drop by with one! :D