Hi everyone.

If you are anything like me, you have encountered a very selfish, manipulative, maybe even violent, offending person in your life.  Maybe your children's offender is this way...it could be a "friend," your "husband," your "parent/s"...but they have that quality that always makes your heart feel like YOU are doing something wrong even though your mind says "WAIT, that CAN'T be right!  THEY are the one hurting ME/my family!"  Well, I hate to break it to you but you probably need to start viewing them as a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath.  WHY?!  Well, I'll tell you why.  If you don't view them that way, then you will ALWAYS be their go-to for drama because they KNOW you won't leave them...for one reason or another.  How do I know this?!  

My family was manipulated by a family of sadistic, narcissistic sociopaths who violently, sexually abused my children.  The longest abuse started with my weakest child...my mentally handi-cap, speech impaired, probably autistic, just had healed from a life-threatening illness child...when he was about 6 years old, literally starting on his first play date at their house.  He is now 13.  When they knew they could control that child and he didn't tell us anything, they started in on my daughter.  She was about 4 when the abuse began.  First during play dates...I was there sometimes...then her first sleepover was at monster family's house...and she says it happend that 1st night and thereafter.  She never told us either.  I homeschooled my kids, did everything right, taught them body safety, went over saying "no" if someone touched them on a yearly basis, had personal conversations about everytime something "not quite right" occurred...BUT, it took me stumbling onto a private conversation to confirm my gut needed to act NOW and not later.  It was the year my oldest son was diagnosed with cancer, I became pregnant with my 5th child, I lost my lisense due to a medical misunderstanding, said cancer-son went into liver failure, my husband almost died, we almost lost our house, our fridge died...you name it, it happened...that they began offering to watch my children more.  But specifically my daughter.  They always would have a reason why my older son would be a struggle and since I knew he was unique and really resisting going over there, I never disagreed!  They also watched my toddler.  My children were exposed/put into pornographic films/pictures.  They were raped orally and the other way.  They were involved in strange fight club style games.  All this would begin right after I dropped them off and end right before I picked them up.  And all the while, this family acted like they were our BEST FRIENDS!  They sent my kids home in clean clothes, washing the dirty laundry.  They dropped off food for us.  They helped us with house chores.  They fed our dog when we went on our son's wish trip.  They visited my son in the hospital.  They helped drive me places when I couldn't.  We came to Bible studies at their house.  But most importantly, THEY NEVER SHOWED THEIR TRUE COLORS!  THAT is what these kinds of people do.  And I still to this day question if my children are telling the truth because these people put on such a good "Christian" show...but then I remember my childhood.

My parents.

 Both have never been diagnosed but my dad is most definately a sociopathic narcissist if not a psycopath.  He tried to kill my mom at least 3 times.  He point blank told me when I was 12 that he was going to brain wash my siblings so that nobody would believe my stories. To this day they struggle to accept my reality of our past. He was this amazing, Catholic, plastic surgeon that had the perfect family wearing the newest fads, eating the finest food.  He almost NEVER showed his true colors outside our home.  He would threaten us to "smile and do what I say or else" when we went out.  Nobody suspected the hell that we went through at home...not even our families believed us when we emotionally told them at differing times about how much he hurt us physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  So, I know.  I know what it's like to live through a hell and not be able to prove it because your abuser is just that good/scary.

My mother...she's a true narcissist.  Through all those above circumstances I shared about the time-period of the worst sexual abuse on my children, she barely lifted a finger to help me and actually was offended when I asked her to stop coming over unexpectedly because CPS could show up at any minute!  She refused to move out of our home until my son got cancer and needed a private room so he wouldn't be exposed to germs (thus her room was needed,) and the only reason she DID move is because WE packed up all her stuff and moved it to the place she found to rent.  The whole time she lived with us, about 3 years, she helped with the kids a handful of times, usually at night when we went grocery shopping without them while they slept and even then she'd say "I can't promise I'll be awake to help if they wake up" while watching movies on her laptop in bed.  She somehow manipulated me into picking out her outfits for work EVERY day...I think I liked the validation of my creativity because I almost never had positive anything directed towards me from her.  She refused to leave the church that did NOT support our family's truth when we told them what happened and continued to allow the monster family to attend.  OH, and she went out of her way to TALK to the monster family each Sunday...AND report it all back to me!  (No, I never asked for her help in this...she did it to rub it in my face and try to gain more details based upon my reaction.)  She shows up whenever she feels like it and tries to manipulate using my children to fill her loneliness by going to lunches or dinner with her.  She throws a fit when we put our foot down and tell her she can't take them with her saying things like "I hope I get cancer and die soon so you won't have to worry about me anymore."  And the kicker...she has gotten her mail here, even after moving out of our house for the past 3 years, and refuses to change her address even though we've asked, demanded, begged and pleaded with her to do so!  She uses it as an excuse to come over whenever she feels like it to get her family "fix" for the 30 minutes she's willing to spend with us (mainly on her phone and getting glorified as a grandma from my ever-searching children's affection attempts).  And when I was younger, I was called horrible names, used like Cinderella, abused through her condoning commands by my siblings and just all around treated like a failure of a human being.

So, it is now time.  My husband and I have decided we are DONE being abused!  We don't want this emotional hunger to ever trap us in a relationship that would hurt our family again (MOMster was my surragate mom.)  Thanksgiving time we did something we have never done: ignored my dad's once-a-year attempts to get his manipulative family fix!  We are going what's called "no contact" with him.  Boy did he TRY SO HARD to get me to respond...sent pictures of him, my half sister, their puppies...dropped off a gift card to our favorite grocery store with a manipulative message directed towards ONLY me...stopped by our house without permission TWICE in 4 hours sending his daughter to pound on the door the first time and he himself pounding the second time.  We are just DONE with the mental/emotional abuse he throws at us!  And I noticed that he started trying to brainwash my kids when he was around too!  I finally took the last step this past couple of weeks: I blocked his phone number so I won't get texts or calls anymore.  I had already blocked him from my kid's health update pages, Facebook and my email.  Now, it's final.  The only way he can get ahold of me is through my husband...and in the 20 years we've been together he's almost never done that.  He completely ignores and is rude to my husband!  My hubby is supposed to send him a to-the-point text letting him know that he would be the only contact from now on, soon.  

My mom is a little harder because she lives close (yeah, and still gets her mail here.)  We plan on having a sit down where we give her VERY direct boundaries in regards to how our relationship works (including letting her know that we will mark all mail that comes to her here as "does not live here anymore" and replace it in the mail box) and become a grey rock in her eyes.  What that means is NOT feeding her need for drama.  So not sharing about our lives, help her out under OUR guidelines only, not have the kids be with her alone anymore, respond to only what is needed, not ask her questions or respond with personal information, etc.  Make us be boring.  NOT look at her as a mother...because she's not...be a grey rock that blends in with the other abundant people who she ignores on a daily basis.  Become boring for her.  Now, she probably will not follow our boundaries, because we've tried this before with more lenient boudaries and she just slowly chipped them back to her desires.  But I'm hoping with the threat of "no contact" and our new approach to interacting with her, that we can still maintain a functional, local relationship that is healthy for everyone.  I'll let you know how that goes.

So I'm becoming an orphan.  Although, really, I've always been an orphan emotionally...which is why I always looked for a mommy-replacement...*sigh.*  I guess I wanted to share this with you guys to encourage you if YOUR being hurt by someone like this to TAKE THE HEALTHY STEP to taking care of yourself and distancing yourself from your abuser.  I am still a Christian...I believe in honoring my parents, loving them, forgiving them...none of this is biterness-based.  You just HAVE to take yourself outside of the cycle of abuse sometimes because otherwise it just won't stop!  And YOU ARE precious...to God, to others that truly care...hopefully to yourself.  Grieve over the loss of the relationship but don't let these people keep hurting you!  If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children! <3

"Grey rock" method explained: https://letmereach.com/2015/11/25/the-self-sabotaging-version-of-the-gray-rock-method/

"No contact" explained: https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2014/09/01/why-is-no-contact-so-difficult/