I am also glad that you have found us. You will meet some amazing and, yes, insightful fellow travelers here.

Unfortunately, there are so many permutations of this nightmare that my own story differs completely from yours, but I am so sorry for your pain, fear, and sense of helplessness. Others will be along later in the day, I'm sure, but I was already awake and wanted you to know that you have already found a listener and a supporter.

Welcome scared mommy
May you be scared no more, for if you're scared but innocent, imagine how truly scared the guilty one is and should be despite whatever outright appearance he may display.
I do not intend to dismiss your situation but given your details, I think it's fair to say your situation is lighter than mine / my children's. I'm divorcing an attorney in his own bias courts and despite affidavits of clear bias the judge is refusing to recuse himself. In painted the vindictive bitch ex coaching my children. Despite no trial to date and despite no determination on divorce, the judge just ruled I am to pay all exs atty fees $25k due in 30 days. My children have never been supervised with him despite their disclosure to the pediatrician and others.
So I would say your situation is going VERY well so far. Your daughter is supervised and happy. My children are still telling me "mom I wish you were still married bc when u were married you watched dad and he couldn't do all the mean stuff as much".
I tell you this not to belittle your situation to mine. But to tell you there are a lot of pieces to your situation that are very helpful to you in protecting your children. It's not about being able to bring him to justice rather first and foremost that your child is happy and safe. Sounds like she is (although I would still remain cautious) and take one day at a time mama.
Sounds like you have your head on your shoulders in this. Stand tall and confident. He HATES that.

Hi there, welcome to this group, I'm so sorry for all that your daughter and you are going through and that you need a place like this, but glad you found it. I'm also not in the same situation; my sons didn't disclose until they were adults, and that was over 5 yrs ago. How awesome is your daughter that she was confident enough to disclose this, good for her for advocating for herself at such a young age! A website that is educational and thorough on this issue is www.mosac.net , Mothers of Sexually Abused Children. I hope you can find some advice and support there too, it's been very helpful for me.

Some thoughts/questions running through my mind about your situation are: Is there a child advocacy center near you that can help you navigate this and give you and your daughter additional support? Is there going to be a mental health evaluation and drug screening on your husband before determining if he is eligible for unsupervised visitation? Has anyone told you about the Victims of Crime Compensation Office in your state? The VCCO has support services and counselors too, and may be able to add others' opinions in support of your daughter and you. If at some point they do file charges, you and your daughter will be eligible for VCCO services--I'm not sure what the protocol for this service is in your state, but you may be eligible without charges, the report itself may qualify you. In my state there's no statute of limitations on when charges can be filed, check what it is in your state. The prosecutor in my state has their own sex crimes detective and they are the ones that do an investigation (sometimes along with local police) and determine if there's enough substantial evidence to file charges, and when to file them. Another possible place for support is if there's a women's support services center near you. I work for a battered women's center, and we have counselors and legal advocates that help with your situation as well; we also have a department of children's protection liaison, so if there's something like that near you it may be worth tapping into them as well.

Hope this is helpful, keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers...

Thank you for sharing so much helpful information, Bandmom.

As for counting one's blessings, I agree with 96Percent that everyone's situation could, in some way, be worse. However, the pain, shock, anger, fear, sense of having been abandoned by God and tricked by someone we trusted -- on top of the mourning for our dear children's childhood -- are overwhelming for all of us. Nothing prepares one for this kind of nightmare.

I don't believe that "God only gives us what he knows we can handle" -- I've always found that specious: why would a loving God want us to suffer just to prove that we can take it? I think God -- or, if you believe in a more scientific view, a sense of order in the universe -- is there for us when the unimaginable happens, when we are crushed and feel as if we have come apart at a molecular level. We have to keep turning to whatever (not including destructive substances) holds us together to get to that next step.

Scaredmommy, I have found this group to be the absolute key to my sanity over the last two years, since my adult daughter disclosed what a savage neighbor had done to her when she was young. Any sense of stability, of certainty about myself, my own ability to believe what I see, or to guess at what I couldn't, was gone. Finding others who knew just how I felt -- no matter the specific details of our own family's story -- was unlike any therapy or meditation program I tried (although those helped in various ways). It has helped me to return to my spiritual resources as well. You are facing multiple threats -- the abuse, custody concerns, and fear of what else an addict is capable of doing -- not to mention a complete failure of the system to support you legally, goddam it!! I am holding you in my heart.

Thank you all for your kind words! We are not that deep into the family court process, so I know I have a long road ahead. We will be asking for drug and mental evaluations. We get therapy at the advocacy centers. I think what scares me most is just the unknown. I thought it would be a no brainer that he would get arrested and we would never see him again after the police were involved. This is so crazy! Thank you all for the support.

Also I am wondering if there is anything else I should be doing at this point to prevent her from having to ever be unsupervised with him. I don't want to go through all of this and then wish that I had done something different. I called and left a message with Justice for Children about three weeks ago and never heard anything back. I do have an attorney who has had experience with this case, but just like has been mentioned previously, every case is different. Her father's confidence with his filings just is throwing me off.

Sorry you are here and what has happened to your daughter. I cant believe they cant press charges. I had physical evidence by his computer on searches he was doing but she will not talk at all about it. She only told me once and she was three. i find it appalling that a father that does that can have any rights at all. It sounds like you have all the pieces in place for and are doing all the right things. Wish the law could do its job too. Sorry.

@heartsadx3 in your situation did they press charges? I was told we needed physical evidence. I am about 98% positive that he would have stuff on his computer...I don't want to report it myself because I feel like it will backfire and they will accuse me of alienating my daughter or something.

Scared mommy -
He Prob will use PAS defense bc it's the only defense any perps got to try. But these people so sick they truly don't see their wrong doing and think they're right and you're wrong. In time he will declare himself to others. There will come a point where things soooooo painstakingly obvious to you yet others are holding onto their denial as they rather believe you're PAS and this man didn't do this. because with every outrageous truth, there is initially disbelief.
Filing charges, having him arrested, him never being exposed to your child again is one thing. That requires a TON of proof that tragically isn't so available in most of these kinds of cases. But! In family court the burden of proof is less. Indeed you need to prepare yourself for levels of disappointment in this - the courts are NOT as good at protecting our children as we would hope. But! You already have him supervised and your daughter seems to enjoy this arrangement for now. So my advice is to take peace in this. As moms we all wants these perps truly brought to justice. Unfortunately getting hung up on that is only going to lead you to disappointment. It does happen. It has occurred for some on this board. When it does, I couldn't be more thrilled for that family.
Justice for Children is a great resource. Yes, very slow at getting back. But when they do - every bit helpful.
Again, I didn't mean to belittle your situation to mine, but give you peace in knowing that you have some evidence that he's a poor parent even aside from allegations of child sex abuse. He's going to have a difficult time slithering out of this.
Best wishes!
You will do fine!!!

Thank you so much! I am starting to feel like I can relax a teeny bit and not constantly be on edge! I hope all turns around for you as well!

No they said that they would need her statement before they could move forward with getting a subpoena to get the computers. She was interviewed twice but didn't say anything directly it was several months later that she finally told me and she doesn't want to talk about it. Last I spoke to the detective my step dad on his own got a polygraph and passed so the detective said that went a long ways in proving he is innocent I havent spoken to the detective since...rediculous!!!!

scaredmommy1, I too have had to deal with such a man as this. Because they are so good at lying and manipulating it can and is overwhelming. What I have seen in dealing with my x after disclosure from my son was incredible. My son is down syndrome and 26 now, he disclosed when he was 22. I went straight to the police and tried to have the x arrested. My son has a speech impediment, but I can understand him for the most part or he writes down what he is trying to convey. The x had threatened my son with a gun, telling him he would kill him if he told me. Thankfully my son told me. Apparently the x also molested my daughter, but she won't talk about it. She blames me somehow which is making things worse.
The police officer was supposed to get an expert to talk to my son, that didn't happen. So the officer tried to talk to my son alone and got nowhere. Unless someone has been around my son for awhile they have a hard time understanding him and being down syndrome he doesn't warm up to people easily. In this situation it was difficult for my son to be alone with the officer in the first place let alone disclose what happened to him. It was a keystone cop situation. The officer told me he had experience in molestation cases, maybe with some, but the x I am convinced has done this many times in the past and is more experienced as a real predator than that officer has ever dealt with. This was a small town cop.
Anyway, when the x was questioned by the unexperienced police officer, he lied (of course) whats worse is he said my son was perverted and convinced the officer of this. When the policeman showed up to tell me what the x said, I was furious and let the officer know that he had been deceived. I told him that the x was a very experienced and a believable liar. The x has convinced all our mutual friends and even some family members that I am wrong. I have cut off all ties to them for the most part. It amazes me that they, these liars, the x, can convince so many people that he is the good guy and that I am crazy. I know he told people that I either put that in my son's head or that I told my son to say this. I haven't been able to find anyone to help in my situation and am grieved for both my son and daughter.
My daughter has said things to me like it was my fault because I wouldn't have enough sex with him. Or that I should have known. My older son who is 36 called me names I won't repeat because I was with the x ever. My oldest daughter hangs around the x and says she hates me. Sometimes I feel so all alone in this and it grieves me to see others going through this! I know the pain, the fear, the anger and having no earthly help.
Your husband, scaredmommy1, is trying to put you off track by filing for custody. Throw you and others off by filling as to say, "see why would I be so bold as to file for custody if I was guilty". They are psychopaths and are so good at fooling people that they are arrogant in it. Slithering is right 96%, they are good at slithering and are sneaky snakes. Scripture tells us to be "wise as serpents and gentle as doves", I find this difficult because I would like to wring the x's neck and If I would of ever caught him in the act I probably would of done just that. I pray that God help me to be wise and trust Him that my children and myself will be vindicated some day in the future, it hasn't happened yet. If I only had to stand up to the x, I can do it, but it's everyone else I am dealing with, or not dealing with that is overwhelming to me. Thank you also bandmon5 for the site, www.mosac.net. It is hard enough dealing with what happened to my children and what they are going through, and then to have even the police, x friends, family BLAME OR NOT BELIEVE THE MOTHER for what that snake did. When people say to me, oh the x is such a nice guy, how can you accuse him of this? I simply tell them, I believe my son and walk away! They are not my friends and I don't need them in my life. I pray for you scaredmom1 that God gives you the strength to walk through this difficult time! May God bless us all and strengthen us all and give us grace. May we have the faith to trust He will vindicate our children and ourselves one day soon.

scaredmommy1, I too have had to deal with such a man as this. Because they are so good at lying and manipulating it can and is overwhelming. What I have seen in dealing with my x after disclosure from my son was incredible. My son is down syndrome and 26 now, he disclosed when he was 22. I went straight to the police and tried to have the x arrested. My son has a speech impediment, but I can understand him for the most part or he writes down what he is trying to convey. The x had threatened my son with a gun, telling him he would kill him if he told me. Thankfully my son told me. Apparently the x also molested my daughter, but she won't talk about it. She blames me somehow which is making things worse.
The police officer was supposed to get an expert to talk to my son, that didn't happen. So the officer tried to talk to my son alone and got nowhere. Unless someone has been around my son for awhile they have a hard time understanding him and being down syndrome he doesn't warm up to people easily. In this situation it was difficult for my son to be alone with the officer in the first place let alone disclose what happened to him. It was a keystone cop situation. The officer told me he had experience in molestation cases, maybe with some, but the x I am convinced has done this many times in the past and is more experienced as a real predator than that officer has ever dealt with. This was a small town cop.
Anyway, when the x was questioned by the unexperienced police officer, he lied (of course) whats worse is he said my son was perverted and convinced the officer of this. When the policeman showed up to tell me what the x said, I was furious and let the officer know that he had been deceived. I told him that the x was a very experienced and a believable liar. The x has convinced all our mutual friends and even some family members that I am wrong. I have cut off all ties to them for the most part. It amazes me that they, these liars, the x, can convince so many people that he is the good guy and that I am crazy. I know he told people that I either put that in my son's head or that I told my son to say this. I haven't been able to find anyone to help in my situation and am grieved for both my son and daughter.
My daughter has said things to me like it was my fault because I wouldn't have enough sex with him. Or that I should have known. My older son who is 36 called me names I won't repeat because I was with the x ever. My oldest daughter hangs around the x and says she hates me. Sometimes I feel so all alone in this and it grieves me to see others going through this! I know the pain, the fear, the anger and having no earthly help.
Your husband, scaredmommy1, is trying to put you off track by filing for custody. Throw you and others off by filling as to say, "see why would I be so bold as to file for custody if I was guilty". They are psychopaths and are so good at fooling people that they are arrogant in it. Slithering is right 96%, they are good at slithering and are sneaky snakes. Scripture tells us to be "wise as serpents and gentle as doves", I find this difficult because I would like to wring the x's neck and If I would of ever caught him in the act I probably would of done just that. I pray that God help me to be wise and trust Him that my children and myself will be vindicated some day in the future, it hasn't happened yet. If I only had to stand up to the x, I can do it, but it's everyone else I am dealing with, or not dealing with that is overwhelming to me. Thank you also bandmon5 for the site, www.mosac.net. It is hard enough dealing with what happened to my children and what they are going through, and then to have even the police, x friends, family BLAME OR NOT BELIEVE THE MOTHER for what that snake did. When people say to me, oh the x is such a nice guy, how can you accuse him of this? I simply tell them, I believe my son and walk away! They are not my friends and I don't need them in my life. I pray for you scaredmom1 that God gives you the strength to walk through this difficult time! May God bless us all and strengthen us all and give us grace. May we have the faith to trust He will vindicate our children and ourselves one day soon.

Gingerd, welcome. Your son was tortured, like my daughter. The mere thought of anyone holding a gun to a person with Down Syndrome is just inconceivably evil. Clearly, the x has also twisted your daughter's thinking.

There is just no way to accept the level of evil these creeps sink to until one discovers that her own child has fallen victim. Sociopaths must be gifted as well; it's obvious in the way they can convince so many people that they are likable and trustworthy. Your friends don't understand because they can't imagine how it feels to have to accept that your children have been victimized in this way. You are right to leave them by the wayside and keep moving, not because they are bad people, but because you have grown past them, and they have too little to offer you at a time when you need so much.

My heart goes out to you and your children. I hope your daughter will soon realize the error of her choice to stand by the x.