Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi everybody, I joined the group for support from other parents who have found out their children have been sexually abused. I have recently been told by my thirty year old daughter that she has been sexually abused by her father since she was four years old. The marriage ended after I lived through ten years of domestic violence, but I never suspected him of sexual abuse during the marriage. I fear their sexual relationship is still going on and I really don't know what I should do about it since she is an adult now. She is still single and has no career aspirations and finds it hard to even work a fulltime job and has horribly messed up her finances. She has been in counseling on and off for a few years. I have been going through all kinds of emotions from extreme anger, to regret for not realizing the abuse was going on back during our ten year marriage, to disbelief... I have also finally joined a support group for abused women about six months ago which I have found very helpfull. Any words of wisdom from others would be appreciated... :-)
In hindsight, there were probably a million signs that your daughter was experiencing trauma (see www.mosac.net for a list of signs of abuse, plus a ton of helpful information about your own sense of guilt, etc.). This is because we never suspect this nightmare, this violation of our children's human rights, and because the perpetrators work overtime to make sure you won't suspect.
My daughter didn't disclose until she was in her early 20s abuse she had suffered from a neighbor for a year (or more) before we moved to a different town, before she was 10. So burying trauma is a hugely successful way to survive, until it becomes dysfunctional, and it always becomes dysfunctional, sooner or later.
For my daughter, it was sooner, but I only saw the change in her behavior and sleep, and assumed she was depressed. She had also begun to drink, finishing glasses of wine at parties and testing what other kids' parents had in their liquor cabinets. I had NO idea. She was 8. Who would have any idea??? By the time she was in her early 20's, drinking (still had no idea she ever drank, because her ability to keep secrets was so well-honed by then) had led to an opiate addiction. Again -- NO idea, because she was living apart from us, with a horrible young man we didn't like, but whom she refused to leave. She only took drugs in her apartment, and only came to visit when she was "sober" (for the few hours between hits).
She was headed toward a brilliant career, somehow managing to get most of the way through undergrad and getting accepted into a prestigious graduate program.
But after she disclosed about her addiction, and (nearly a year later!!!) about her having been sexually abused as a child, her life stalled. She found it difficult to keep a job, her interest in school was gone, and she made disastrous choices of "friends." We got her into rehab, which only helped mildly -- and one of the therapists there was grooming her for a sexual relationship, goddammit.
Finally, four years after disclosure, she is back in school, and finding lots of work. Please stay hopeful about your daughter's ability to turn her life around. Disclosure was a very, very big step forward, but it's just the beginning. Show all the faith you can in your daughter's ability to discover what is best for her. It is exceedingly painful to wait for progress in your own child, but you must have faith.
The best way to have faith is to take care of YOURSELF, so you show her the way to take care of HERSELF. I'm bumping up an old post about why you also need a therapist (even if your daughter refuses to see one herself).
MANY hugs. You are not alone.