Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hello all! Glad I can finally access this site but sorry for the reason. 2 weeks ago, I found out that my now 27 year old son was sexually molested by his older brother (now 33). It's still so raw at the moment and my son and I have not gotten far as to how old he was when this started, how long this went on etc..? I had a mental breakdown at work and had to go see a crisis counselor directly after work yesterday. I am currently reading the book, "What Do I do Now?" which is loaded with lots of helpful information that a friend gave me and lead me to this site. I joined this group in hopes that talking with others will help me get through this so that I can help my son. I'm still angry, shocked and know that I can't help my son if I can't keep myself together!!! I welcome advice from anyone who has been through this.
My daughter's perpetrator was unrelated, a neighbor, so I can only begin to imagine the complexities of having this happen within one's own family. Others here HAVE had this experience, and will likely be along in a matter of hours.
In the meantime, here are some general guidelines/guidance....
First of all, YOU BELIEVED your son, which means you've already performed an urgent, life-saving procedure. Survivors who, when they disclose, don't find the open-mindedness you displayed generally have much poorer outcomes.
Second, a breakdown is an appropriate response to this level of tragedy. In terms of privacy, I was lucky to have my breakdown at home. Nobody knew but me. But in terms of getting appropriate help, you were lucky to have yours at work; clearly your workplace takes this seriously, by sending you to a crisis counselor when you surely needed one.
If you weren't still shocked and angry two weeks later, I'd be concerned. It would mean you had shut down instead of trying to process what has happened. To help you keep moving forward, your priority is to find a grief/trauma counselor, preferably one who is certified in a kind of therapy called EMDR. It can speed your healing, which, unfortunately, will take a long time anyway. It's a safe bet that you are suffering from PTSD, which requires urgent treatment.
Your son also needs a counselor, the sooner the better. The reason I mentioned your getting a therapist first is because your son needs your example of good mental self-care. If you go for help, he is more likely to follow your lead. In addition, this website may be very helpful for your son: https://1in6.org/.
My daughter disclosed her abuse when she was 23 -- 15 years after it happened. All that time, I realized, I had been living a fantasy life, thinking I was such a good mom that I would know if something was wrong, thinking my husband and I could provide all the safety our children could need. Disclosure shattered my heart, for my daughter's sake, and it shattered my sense of self. My heart goes out to you.
There is another board on here https://www.dailystrength.org/group/hearts-of-healing that is specifically for parents of sibling sexual abuse. It's not very active at all but there are a lot of posts where you can see what others in that position have written and a lot of resource links posted. I just, in the last couple weeks, found there is a Facebook group for parents of sibling sexual abuse too and if you send me a message using the envelope icon above, I can get you an invite link.
There is a book similar to What Do I Do Now? but specifically for sibling sexual abuse: https://www.amazon.com/Sibling-Sexual-Abuse-Confronting-Americas-ebook/dp/B08R632CD2 You can get the e-book right away if you want. The book is written mainly about abuse that is discovered while both are still children--which I think is a weakness of it, but still it has a lot of useful information.
mosac.net is a website by the author of What Do I Do Now that is even more comprehensive.
Finally, https://www.kkccares.org/ has a weekly call-in support group for parents of sibling sexual abuse. The group is mostly parents of adult children who knew nothing until the children were grown, so that could be a good fit for you. You can always just listen for a week or two before you share your own story if you want. But it's a good place to walk through the journey with others, meet parents who are a little farther along on it and see that we're still standing.
BRKNHRT is wonderful at directing newcomers to great sites and support, as she has been my sounding board since I started on this site at the beginning of the year.
My story is a bit different from yours, as my son sexually assaulted my daughter back in 2019. It was a one time occurrence but has been devastating to our family. He was 15 at the time and my daughter 18. It was after a night out at a cousins wedding where there was alcohol involved. My son was charged and pleaded guilty. He served some time in juvie and it has been a nightmare to try to support both. I know you are probably shocked, saddened, angry and hurt right now with no clue how to continue. That’s where I was for the first few months. I stopped being a good parent to my son at that time. Didn’t want anything to do with him and didn’t want to communicate with him. It was just very difficult to try to have a relationship with him. After approximately 8 months after disclosure I realized that he was hurting as much as my daughter and after dealing with lawyers and crown prosecutors I came to realize that they are both my children and both needed support. However by that time it was very difficult to undo the damage I’d done. Things are better now as it has been a couple years and my daughter and son have both been to counseling. The kids are actually talking now and Snapchattibg each other and for that I am very grateful. We actually might have a family Christmas this year.
Things will take time. You are at the beginning of the worse time in your life and all I can offer you is to keep your head up and be there for BOTH your children. It will be a long road but with counseling for everyone (you included) it will hopefully get better. Please know that you should get counseling for yourself. My husband and I never did as I was to ashamed to talk to anyone (plus I couldn’t bring myself to) but the kids individual counsellors helped a lot during family sessions where I felt I could get a bit off my chest. Plus paying for each one individually and ourselves was not in our budget. Are your kids in contact with each other? Is there any talk of charges being pressed? Just wondering as I may be able to help you out in that regard. Stay strong and know that you’re always welcome to post here with no judgement. We care and are always here to help you through. I do suggest going to the hearts of healing group as reading the posts there when I first joined helped me to realize I was not alone. Take care and post here as often as you’d like. We are always here to listen.
We did have a good Christmas. Here's to a better new year for us all!
BrokenheartedMom, so sorry to hear about what you and your son are going through. It is so unfair. I wish I could say it's unusual for families to react that way, but it's not.