In October of last year I found pornography pictures of my 6 year old daughter on her father's phone. There were 15 pictures in total, at least that is what the police have told me... I couldn't look at anymore than 4. They were so incredibly graphic... these images that are now seared into my brain. It has been a nightmare since, and I haven't figured out how to cope with everything yet. I'm in therapy, and my daughter is as well. It helps, but I'm still struggling so much. I'm struggling to be a single parent. I'm struggling with grief over losing the man I loved dearly. I'm struggling because I loved a man who hurt my daughter. And, I'm struggling because I don't know anyone that can relate to what I'm going through.

Carson, my daughter's abuser, was not what anyone would consider the best father or lover. We never married, and had a pretty on and off again relationship. He is an addict, and I let that be an excuse for a lot of his behaviors. He was incredibly emotionally abusive towards me, and when he was drinking he occasionally got physical with me. I never saw him hurt my daughter, but now that I know he did, I can see how emotionally abusive he was to her. 

He and I had been separated for 2 years. Two years ago, his drug abuse started to get incredibly bad. He started using opiates and I told him he needed to move out. Just before my birthday, he came to my home and kicked down my door. It was, up until that point, the scariest thing I had been through. I had the 2nd protection order put into place. The first protective order came after I had kicked him out for abusing alcohol and getting physically abusive with me. He proceeded to threaten my life and everyone near to me. I dropped that one after a year, because he had gotten into a program for addiction treatment. I didn't drop this protection order... it ended with his probation. I let him back into my life last June. He claimed to have been clean for over a year, and provided proof of suboxone treatment. I really believed this time was different. I got pregnant and miscarried shortly after letting him back into my life, and in October we had just started trying to get pregnant again. 

I don't know what it was exactly that made me need to look at his phone, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I waited for him to fall asleep and started searching his phone. I found a lot of really horrible stuff before I found the pictures, but I couldn't stop looking... it was as if I had someone saying there is more you need to find. I found the pictures just after 11 PM on Ocover 27th. I was so shocked I didn't really know what to do. I grabbed my sleeping daughter from her room, loaded her in the car and drove to my dads. I turned his phone into the police that night. The following week he confessed to taking the pictures, and although he lied about when the pictures were taken and blamed it on using heroin, meth, snd cocain, he confessed. I will never forget the detectives phone call saying he had confessed, and then saying they hadn't arrested him. It was relief followed by devastation and confusion. It took the police 4 weeks to arrest him, and those were the longest 4 weeks of my life. 

He accepted a plea deal, and plead guilty 2 weeks ago. We go to sentencing next month, and I will get up and speak for my daughter. It is a terrifying thought, and I can't quite get the words onto paper. 

My daughter hasn't talked about the abuse... she says she can't remember him taking the pictures. That is a haRd thing to deal with. She and I have always been so close... it is devastating that she couldn't tell me what was going on. It is also devastating because the only thing he is being charged with is exploration of a minor. In the state I live in, posession, creation, and distribution are lumped together as 1 charge. He isn't even being charged with sexual abuse. 

The prosecutor is only recommending jail time, a part of the plea deal. I go back and forth with wanting him in prison and then not wanting him in prison. I don't think it will make me feel any better no matter what the sentence. Nothing can make these images leave my mind. Nothing will take away the pain and suffering my daughter will feel for the rest of her life. Nothing will make this okay. I know him being in prison won't change anything, and yet sometimes I can't stop thinking it will help. 

My daughter has improved incredibly since he left the picture. At the beginning of last year, she started showing a lot of signs of anxiety. She couldn't sleep at night, had nightmares almost every night, and couldn't be away from me. When he moved back in, she started crying everyday. It was always over little things, and she even started hearing voices telling her she was bad. He never gave her much attention at all, and I never suspected he had sexually abused her. He didn't seem like father of the year, but he seemed like a good enough dad. Since he went to jail, she can sleep. The nightmares are less frequent, and she rarely hears voices now. She still can't be away from me at night, as she is afraid I'll die or some one will kill me.

I don't get a minute to myself anymore, and I'm starting to really go crazy. I love her so much, and want to be the best mom. But, I find myself snapping at her over her being a kid. I feel overwhelmed by being a mom and not getting breaks. I feel angry that he did this to me, and I feel guilty for feeling that because the person he hurt the most is my daughter, and I keep thinking about what I have lost.

It is all so confusing, and I'm struggling with it all so much. I don't know what I need from others, or how I expect this to help. There aren't support groups in my area, so I guess I'm just hoping to find people who can relate to the struggles I am having. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel... I want to live a normal happy life again. I know nothing is perfect in life, but I just want quiet and calm again. Is that even possible? Any suggestions on what I can do to get there?