Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi,
This is all new to me as a parent, and am trying to take the right steps in healing for my daughter and my husband and I.
Long story short, my husband and I were letting my 12/13 year old nephew stay with us for a few days as a favor to my sister. My sister and I are best friends and this nephew and I have been fairly close. He has two small brothers 3 and 5 and has always been good with kids, or so I thought.
My 4 year old daughter just disclosed to me that he touched her inappropriately, giving great detail. She also told me he told her not to tell anyone because it was naughty. That night it happened, while I was out for dinner with friends, she was acting very emotional my husband told me the next day.
I feel like I handled the situation well by not showing her much emotion except reiterating that what he did was not okay, explained that no one should ever her touch her there, that she did nothing wrong, and thanked her for telling me. She didn't seem distraught about it while telling me. However I am so at a loss, and going through the obvious stages of grief.
What makes me so angry is that my nephew is saying he didn't touch her there and if he did, it was an accident. He said they were playing tickle monster. I don't believe him for a second but I feel like if he would just admit it, that I'd be able to cope better. I'm so angry, hurt, and most of all just worried how this is going to effect her.
My sister said she's getting him into counseling and asked me to write up everything my daughter told me so she can provide it to the counselor.
I guess where I'm struggling is whether or not to report it. And whether or not to have my daughter see someone to talk about it. I don't want to pretend like it didn't happen but I also don't want to make my daughter re-hash everything and keep bringing it up. She hasn't talked about it since she first told me, and we've just been trying to be as supportive as possible telling her how much we love her and that she can always tell us anything, no matter what. I know when she gets a little older we'll have to tell her what happened.
Any advice? If you report sexual abuse, does a 4 year old have to be interviewed? I don't plan on taking him to court, so I'm unsure if reporting it is necessary. And the fact that he's denying it as well.
Sorry this got long, but I appreciate any advice or personal experience!
In the meantime, I want to say yes, you have performed two valuable services already for your daughter First, by remaining calm (in appearance, at least), you remained ready to hear what she had to say. Second, and even more important, you believed her.
As for advice, I have only this. Please read these two pages of a website called www.mosac.net -- an amazing resource -- to help you decide what's best regarding the agonizing decision of reporting your nephew....
https://www.mosac.net/Incest.aspx
https://www.mosac.net/WhoMustReport.aspx
The webmaster for that site has also started a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/groups/499500870923726/members), if you're comfortable sharing your name with others there. (I prefer the anonymity of this forum, while FB seems to work well for others.)
This is a one-day-at-a-time situation. Breathe. Find a therapist of your own, so you have someone nearby for confidential support.
Reporting it is the only way to stop abuse. But you and your sister will enter an estranged relationship, I'm afraid. It's very brave of her to seek help with a counselor. His counselor will have to report it by law if you don't.
It's good that he got caught early so that it can be dealt with early.
Your daughter should also probably talk with a trained therapist as well. I recommend Brian Watts's book, Sibling Sexual Abuse: America's Silent Epidemic.
My personal gut feeling--not to be taken as therapeutic or legal advice--is that reporting will and should happen at some point in your situation. But how the reporting is handled can make a huge difference in how your daughter processes things, how you do, what happens to your nephew, how your sister's and your relationship turns out.
If there's some way you and your sister can look for info together and get on the same page about this, that would be ideal for both children (again, only in my barely-informed gut opinion). It seems like you both care about both children and want what is best for both. And you have handled this so well so far, including having a relationship with your daughter that she was able to tell you what happened right away.
I will say that your nephew's response is VERY normal for anyone his age who gets in trouble for anything, let alone something as taboo and shameful as this. It doesn't mean he will never take responsibility. But he might not be capable of facing what he did and taking responsibility until he gets into therapy.
For a confidential place to run more of your story by people who know a lot more than I do and who should be able to get in touch with advocates who know how things are handled in your local area, I highly recommend calling the RAINN hotline 1-800-656-4673 or their chat at rainn.org (assuming you're in North America). If you and your sister are comfortable calling together, all the better. You don't have to give them any of your personal identifying information, and if you don't, you can discuss this all confidentially and no one will be mandated to report yet based on the call.
Bottom line here is that yes both children need therapy from professionals qualified in treating this kind of thing, on both ends. And since they are both minors, by the time they talk about what happened in therapy, it will be reported. My personal bias is to get the ball rolling on the therapy before reporting, so that hopefully both kids have some kind of support on board and you have resources to guide you, as the dominoes start falling after the report is made. But that's often not possible and you have to do the best with how it happens.
I agree that Bad Watts book about Sibling Sexual Abuse has a lot of information that would be relevant to this situation, as it hones in on the reality that most sexual abuse is committed by other, older children, related to or well known by the child, and how the approach to that should differ from abuse by an adult.
mosac.net is also wonderful
Again, rainn.org is where I would go first though. You are doing GREAT so far.
There is lots you said I relate to. Not knowing if I was doing the right thing, if I wouldn’t have… if I should have… my son sexually assaulted my daughter in 2019. It was a one time incident that happened after to much drinking at a family wedding. He was arrested after DNA results came in and served 30 days in juvenile detention due to his age with 2 years probation snd then another 5 (7 more additional) for travel restrictions. . It has definitely been the hardest thing we have ever dealt with.. will ever deal with. I understand the anxiety of not knowing what is right and not right. It is your family. I do agree with brknhrt that not necessarily is involving law enforcement always the right thing. I do agree everyone needs to be accountable, but if you are looking at getting your nephew help and having no jail time I think there may be another way. Have you thought of maybe going to your sisters and the two of you sitting down with him to confront him? My son (was 15 at the time) also denied for a year and a half until results came in. Maybe he would break if given the choice between being honest and getting help or having the law involved. I think if I had done that to start with my son he would have admitted and we could have moved on trying to heal rather than dragging it out and going through the legal system with courts and lawyers. Even if you do not want to press charges it will be out of your hands. Point is if this is reported he very well may spend time in juvenile even if you don’t want him to. You really have no say. If he admits it he can get the help he needs and in the future so can your daughter. It will be hard for you, your husband and daughter to be around him but with healing and time it could very well happen. My kids are starting to see each other although it is strained I know they are both working hard with their counsellors. I guess you have to do what you think is right. There very well maybe tension between your sister and yourself - but only if you let it. Try to work together getting him so counselling ASAP. This is the mistake I made. My son denied so I felt I couldn’t make him go otherwise it would be like calling him a liar and so I had to wait for DNA. But by then a year and a half had past and with all the time it, I feel it set the kids back even more. I wish you all the luck in the world and I know exactly how you feel. Try to know that you are doing great in the way you’re handling yourself and whatever you decide to do is the right decision for your daughter and your family.
I did end up reporting it and honestly am glad I did. You’re right that it’s the only way to stop it or at least have some record to hold him accountable, especially if he were to do it again to another girl.
Thankfully my sister and I have been able to communicate effectively, and while there is some awkwardness, I think her and I will at least get through that.
I am still undecided on putting my daughter in therapy, as we have been watching her behavior very closely and she has been acting normally. We’re also just reiterating to her how she can always tell us anything, and how much we love her, just trying to keep that channel of communication open for if/when she wants to talk more about it.
We do acknowledge that at some point we need to tell her what happened though, when she’s old enough to understand.
My husband and I are seeking counseling which I think will be beneficial. We’re really just trying to watch her behavior closely and if anything does seem out of her ordinary, we will seek help for her as well.
Again, I really appreciate the feedback and personal experiences! I’m so sorry for all parents who have had to go through this.
I do want to speak to the matter of accountability. It would be ideal if your sister can learn who, if anyone, may have introduced your nephew to sexual abuse. If he is not forthcoming, or if it appears to be a choice he made spontaneously, juvenile detention, or other developmentally appropriate court monitoring, may be what he needs to appreciate the seriousness of what he has done. Boys must learn to control their impulses at some point or another; your sister's son has accelerated the pace of that necessary learning.
The question of whether that legal matter will follow him for a lifetime is answered by another question: Will your daughter's experience follow her for a lifetime? The abuse is already a historical fact, and both children will face its consequences in some way. If your nephew learns that he just has to talk about this privately and be done with it, he may very well learn the wrong lesson.
Please don't swallow your righteous anger and shock in order to protect your sister. Your feelings are justified and real. She WILL survive this, if her son is required to face legal justice. Just as what happened to your daughter was not your fault, the consequences of your nephew's bad decision will not be your sister's fault. Your acknowledgement of your sister's own innocence and lack of control over this occurrence may be the glue that holds you together.
At your daughter's age, therapists would probably approach her feelings and memories through play, not so much from just sitting down and talking. Now that you have made a report, you should be able to get some specialized assistance for her through a child advocacy center. She should qualify for free counseling. https://www.nationalcac.org/find-a-cac/ Part of what ends up really harming kids is when they keep in the memories and feelings, so I would definitely at least look into counseling for her.
I hope your sister will get counseling and support for herself too. That is a really hard and lonely situation to be in as a mom as well.
Our son spent two years in prison for possession of child pornography. If it had been "hands on" there's no telling how long he may have been in. We can't go back to when he was 8, 10 or 12 when he was first exposed to pornography. And the addiction that developed. He is having to work backwards, the hard way to get this out of his life.
Our children no longer live in our home. But here is a guide I would recommend for those with children living at home who have experienced sexual abuse. Healing the Harm Done: A Parent's Guide to Helping Your Child Overcome the Effects of Sexual Abuse by Jennifer Y. Levy-Peck, PH.D. It is very practical as far as what to do, and how to handle different situations that come up in the home. The tone is as if a nanny has entered your home and has taken over, knowing the right response in your situation and giving you an anchor.
I encourage you to keep your head on and not let your emotions take over. Children easily pick up on our reactions which will transfer to their emotions. Let her know that everything is going to be okay and then demonstrate that through your actions. The same may be applied to your sister and her family. Their son is not the first or last to do such a thing. Now they need to help him make better decisions and not go down the path of abuse.
My daughter's personality started to change immediately after the abuse began -- I wouldn't learn about the sexual abuse for another 15 years -- so I took her to a therapist. She was terrified of her abuser, and not only did she not tell me about it, she never told any of the many therapists and psychiatrists she saw subsequently. One therapist even asked me if my daughter had been sexually abused, and I said (without knowing), absolutely, that she had not. Part of my pain after she finally disclosed was from realizing that my angel could have benefitted from that therapy if she'd been able to disclose early.
Many other children are able to bury the trauma deep in their little psyches, and the corrosive effects aren't felt until later. Corrosion can happen without our being able to see it, like a steel bar rusting away inside a leaky cement structure that looks fine from the outside.
This is my own opinion: knowing NOW what happened to your daughter is a gift (that surely feels like a curse), Because you know now, you can help her head off any ideation and misconceptions she may harbor even though you don't see any changes in her behavior. As brknhrt mentioned, your daughter is likely, at her age, to participate in therapy that feels more like play. What she says and does during these sessions may provide a therapist with the opportunity to tease out and address any sense of un-safety or confusion your daughter may be unable to articulate in spite of her brave disclosure.
My expertise is as a learning specialist. The more we practice a concept, the stronger our brains become in the areas that process that concept. Every exposure we have to anything related to that concept creates a new brain connection that can be similarly reinforced. You have a chance now to prevent any deep, hidden misconceptions or fears from becoming stronger.
It is great that you've reported the abuse. That's out of the way and a therapist can simply focus on helping your daughter build reality-based, positive self-concepts,
I agree with so much of what's been mentioned: reporting; gaining support and knowledge form websites, books, etc; checking into play therapy via a child advocacy center, a child psychologist with training and experience in child sexual abuse, or from a referral from your state's victims of crime compensation office; counseling for you and your husband-- together and/or separately; trying to work together with your sister-- the legal system may not see this as advantageous, but hopefully you and your sister can help them see if necessary that you want to work together to assure the best course is pursued for both victim and offender; finding out why, where and when your nephew was exposed to this, or if not exposed, why he chose to do it. That will help determine the therapy he needs, and if there is another offender out there...
One thing I want to address regarding the reporting: I'm glad you did for another reason-- not sure what state you're in and how the laws are written, and how they're classified, but in some states failure to protect and failure to report are deemed 4th or 3rd degree felonies, and in some instances in those states those infractions have been aggressively pursued. In my state they are a misdemeanor and are rarely addressed, but in some instances there have been charges filed against a parent for not reporting immediately upon the disclosure. The authorities' reactions are very inconsistent across the country (if you're in the US), but you just never know what they'll do, so it's better to protect yourself, and in doing so you ensure your child as a victim still has you there to support them and navigate all that lies ahead.
You've done so well with handling all of this, and have done all the right things. Take good care of yourself too....
Some states might make them move, and not allow him (and thereby the family as well) near parks , schools, etc.
It can be very tricky, because he could definately use the help, but the registry can do more harm than good in cases like these
cjnels, hope you and your daughter and your sister and her family are all keeping your heads above water as you navigate through all this.