I am also sorry that you've had reason to join this group, but I'm so glad you did. We've all "been there," in many different ways -- whether the perpetrator was an uncle, a brother, a partner, a teacher, a neighbor, etc. "Been there" refers to that place at the bottom of the pile of shattered debris that once was the life you thought you knew.

Many here have severed relationships with family members in order to protect and help heal their wounded child. The loss of those connections -- which they thought they could count on for life -- has devastated them, too. But your instincts are telling you, in no uncertain terms, that you have your priorities straight.

Your mother's reaction is a defensive denial to protect herself from a truth she is yet to accept. Perhaps she noticed signs and brushed them off, and now denial is a lid she can use to cover the shock of realizing that her suspicions were correct. She may also be experiencing another kind of shock that would lead to denial -- the impossible realization that she has spent years in the same bed as a child molester. Denial is a shield and a shock absorber. It makes people very defensive when others wander too close to the truth.

In addition, she is facing humiliation: you've reported, the police are involved, the perpetrator is in jail and this (she may believe) affects HER standing in the community, HER reputation, She probably doesn't realize yet that he possibly manipulated her into a relationship because he was interested in her granddaughter. So there's denial to absorb that pain as well. He may have manipulated her to think that she can be a "decent human being" if she stands by her man.

However, your mom is going beyond defensiveness: she's actively choosing to cause her granddaughter pain, rather than at least pretending to care. That's beyond denial, and into the cruelty zone. If someone had injured your daughter in any other way, your mom might have sat with her for hours, inviting her to talk. This is why your instincts kicked in, and you decided to protect your daughter from this toxic situation. It may be that she comes around eventually, puts the pieces together, and apologizes. At that point, a reconciliation may be possible.

As for your daughter's loss, of a grandma she loves, that is something I also hope your mom will begin to understand. I'll bet that this was one of your daughter's biggest fears -- that the truth would destroy the family -- and now it has happened. In fact, it's likely that your step-POS told her that this was just between the two of them and that it would hurt her grandma if she knew. That might explain why it took so long for her to disclose. The Nazi who destroyed my daughter's childhood promised her that if she told us about it, he would kill our whole family.

Which brings me to the legal aspect of communicating with your mom. She has shown you that she is not trustworthy and will tell step-POS everything. This can compromise the case against him. If your mom relays to him details of your daughter's "supposed" abuse, he will know what he needs to give a "he said" explanation for. So, you MUST stop sharing anything about the case, or about your daughter, with your mother. That will mean more pain for you, as you probably thought you could always confide in your mom.

I'm so sorry. I will be thinking of you on Thanksgiving, and be thankful that your daughter was strong enough and trusted you enough to disclose to you. Just as important, you believed her, and set her on a healing path. For that I am thankful as well.

Your words mean so much to me. Thank you for taking the time to help me feel like I’m doing right by my daughter even though it’s hard.
The fear that was instilled in our children to not speak. I can’t imagine how terrified your baby was to come forward.
Everything you said makes so much sense. I just sometimes can’t believe it’s our life.
I’m sending so much love and thoughts your way to you and your family.

Hi firefly88,

Welcome to the group. Some great advise above. All our stories are different but yet the same.

Please know that you 100% did right by your daughter. She is a very brave girl to disclose. Please get yourself and your daughter into counselling as it will definitely help.

As far as your mom, that is a tough one. I am sure she is not trying to hurt anyone by her actions. I know what it is like to try to support the one family member who hurt another of your family members.

My story is regarding one incident of sibling sexual assault. It also shattered our family and was undeniably the hardest most stressful time in my life. As different as this is, I also had to try to support both of my children although there were many times I did not want to. Again, this is very different dealing with a son than with a husband but I can see her feeling torn. It will be a bit I would imagine for her to realize and make the decision to stand by you and her grand daughter. Sometimes though it may take a while. Don’t discuss the case with her at all but don’t write her off yet. As hard as it is for you she is also going through a devastating time. No excuses for her, but sometimes people need time to process.

Keep your head up and come here to post. I am in a couple support groups here and when I first found out it was my saving grace. Talking to others that have all dealt with similar situations will help you feel not so alone. It’s a great feeling talking without any judgement. Take care.

Hi just wanted to pop in today the holidays always bring up the loss our family has had too. It’s comforting at least to have a community that do completely understands. After a lot of reading myself and all the support here I was finally able to accept that in many cases involving family members often the victims get the least support but instead the perp will have the family support. If it weren’t from reading it time and time again I don’t think I could have moved on from just feeling incredulous at my own situation where my mom refused to believe her husband abused my then 2-3 year old daughter. Most of the family also wanted to believe it didn’t happen as my mom would say things like kids make up things or miss understand. Anyway I had to decide what was best for my sanity and my daughters well being and healing and I didn’t have the energy to deal with her idiotic behavior. I told my family I only wanted people in my life that fully believed and supported my daughter and our family. I hate to say it but not one person even my own dad (abuser was step dad) would stand by us. Sure it’s been hard I also wonder what if they die and we never speak etc we never had justice my daughter was to young to testify maybe a blessing in disguise. I’m not the kind to hold grudges or be unforgiving but I do hold boundaries and I do protect my children. No answers but we’ve just moved on without them now almost 10 years

I read an article that talked about spouses of child molesters struggle seeing past their own self pity. I believe this goes along with the denial of how serious molestation is for children. I can very much relate to your post. My daughter disclosed abuse at age 13 from FIL that went on from age 6-12. My MIL continued to cook his meals, wash his clothes, and drove him to all his appointments. The big family controversy was MIL losing FIL SS checks when he went to prison. The night he was sentenced my MIL called my husband and begged him to bring my FIL his medications to prison because he is still a human being. It is as if my FIL was the victim. My niece also disclosed she was molested by FIL but her parents chose to not acknowledge it and even wrote letters of support to the judge to minimize FILs prison time.

I recently discovered a new website/group https://www.incestaware.org/ and they may be a good source of support too.

Hi, firefly88. How are you doing?

Late to the party but wanted to share how complicated it's been dealing with my mother after finding out my own father abused my daughter for about 2 years. You certainly need to set healthy boundaries and be smart about what you talk about. For me I'm trying to remember that she's been married to this person for almost 50 years and it's the shock of our lifetimes to learn of this abuse. It's taking her time to absorb and accept the truth. The first major holidays without our "usual" extended family time was really hard. I'm hopeful that it'll get easier next year.