Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My husband's father molested my 7 year old daughter for around 3 years we found out at the beginning of April 2020 when she came to me about it, he was arrested at around midnight the day we found out and called the police. He admitted it. We both felt much more relaxed after we knew he was in jail.. The next morning his mother and brother bailed him out of jail, knowing that he had done it. He's likely to be out of jail for atleast a year now according to the detective on our case. And his wife continues to be with him and support him.
Naturally I'm angry with my husband's family but I tried to let this go as I didn't want to add any more pain to my husband during this time. Now my husband's mother, brother and grandmother all keep trying to talk my husband and into seeing his father and they also keep telling him that he should give forgiveness and that he "can't go to heaven if he doesn't forgive things".. they started this crap literally the day he got out of jail. They all say he's sorry and that they forgive him and we should too.. I don't understand how they can forgive someone so easily for something so horrible.
Over the last 2 weeks they had a birthday party for my husband's grandma we were invited but they told us my husband's father would be there so obviously they know that we wouldn't be going. Then last night my husband's brother comes over and tells us we are invited to his wedding but that his father would be there so he understands if we won't come. My husband and I are both very upset about this as we were really looking forward to his wedding, we were all very close. My husband tried to talk to his brother how upset he was about it and how it doesn't seem fair that we are being pushed out of all the family events when we haven't done anything wrong and his brother says "look we just invited our families, its not our problem if you don't want to be there" which is so disappointing we wanted more then anything to be their and he doesn't care.. I understand that its his wedding and he gets to decide who he wants there but as I said it is very disappointing, heartbreaking even for him to be this way.
I'm so beyond angry with his family for everything and I honestly don't think I want to see any of them again they don't seem to see the severity of the situation or how hurt my daughter is. Instead they are focusing on how they only have so much time left until he goes to jail and acting as if it's so sad that he's going to be in jail. . Its seems as if they don't care about us at all. I just want to be done with all of these people I don't want to see them anymore or allow them to see my children. My husbands family thinks I'm overreacting and making a big deal and I just dont know what to do
And another fact he also admitted he molested 2 other children and his family knows about that as well.
Have you discovered this website yet? mosac.net It has a lot of great information on what this journey is like for a mother and I think it includes info on extended family and what to expect as things go through the courts. I hate to say it but your in-law family's reactions are more common than not.
Have the police told your family to not have contact with your father in law? I'm surprised if they haven't. If the family won't accept that you are staying away from him for your daughter's sake, they might let up on the pressure if they know the police ordered you to not have contact. I would think they would tell you not to contact him because you could be called as witnesses in his case.
I don't know how far along his case is yet; has he been charged? With him giving a confession to police, ironically that could be a big help in getting him charged and convicted, cross your fingers and hope his confession can be used as evidence in the case. Has your daughter given a forensic interview yet? Are you in touch with a child advocacy center (usually involved in the forensic interview)? When he is charged you should also get a victim liason from the DA's office. Both of those places are supposed to be there to support you and help you all to get treatment.
Is your daughter in therapy yet? Are you and your husband? I know there's so much going on at once to keep track of and take in.
I'm so sorry his family's reaction is making this even harder than it has to be for you. A lot of people in your situation have had to cut off contact with the perpetrator's part of the family for the sake of their child and themselves. Don't believe them that there's anything wrong with doing that! I'm all for forgiveness but what they are offering is not forgiveness, it's excusing awful behavior and shoving it under the rug. If you ever get to the point where you want to forgive, you can do that, but even then it does not mean you should be spending time around him or trust him again.
Your in-law's reaction, though common, is horribly selfish and ignorant. They seem to have no desire to try and understand all you are going through. Has anyone notified the police of the other victims? If not, that needs to be done.
Another resource in your state is the Victims of Crime Compensation Office. They have a variety of programs, case workers, etc that may be beneficial for you to check out. Hang in there, you are doing all the right things. I'm sorry that this is splitting your family, but when people align themselves with the offender and not the victim, it's not a healthy situation for anyone, especially the victim and family. Until they wake up and decide to seek the truth in this matter, you have to do what's best for you all.
Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers, {{{hugs}}}
Hopefulmama, I will feel no guilt for cutting my in laws out of my life either but I do feel pain for my husband because I know it will be hard for him and for my little girl who doesn't understand why people she loves so much have disappeared from her life. I also don't believe I need to forgive to go to heaven and if that is so I will gladly take my place in hell because I will never forgive him for what he did to my child
Sane people will actively deny obvious wrong doing. A few cases in the media of the wives of prolific abusers in jail still refuse to believe guilt of their husbands.
It’s been hard also to explain to my kids and they were much younger but we did move states away due to a job move and it helped tremendously. It gave me a safe place to heal and not run into my non supporting family.
As for drawing lines for me I had to first believe actions of others thats their truth. Are their actions showing support and understanding. If not then those relationships didn’t deserve the little energy I had to handle the crisis I was facing. I needed people that will support me and be there no matter what and I hope you have a few of those and if not leave the door open for them.
In some circumstances reveal who people really are I mean when it matters. It did for me.
I’m glad you are all the in therapy. Disconnecting from family isn’t easy I’d never recommend it but in our situation I felt it was in my daughters interest she see nothing but 100% support For her and her well being. I would never allow her abuse to be minimized by people who claim to love her. The unfairness is staggering and hard to take and the injustice. You should be upset and your right to if you weren’t upset then there would be something wrong.
I come here when I’m struggling myself. It was hard for me to find my strength and my courage to stand up for myself and daughter and I hope I can help others do the same. You have the say. You can tell family that if the monster is invited you don’t care to receive an invite period. You don’t need to know about the party.
Maybe that’s not workable but to give you ideas that decide what you will allow and what won’t be allowed. Protect your energy so it’s not waisted. Keep the crap out at all costs. Focus on what’s important. You can even say to family look our family is in crisis mode so I have to pull in for now and look after my family. I’m going to need space for right now because I can only put my energy in one place. It’s honest it’s true and allows for time to sort it out.
Your in-laws are terrified of learning how it feels to discover they've been wrong about that man their entire lives. They're trying to balance the illusion against what they may be yet to believe is reality. You can leave them alone to figure it out for themselves. They don't completely understand that they have truly betrayed you, your husband and your daughter. They can't absorb that that man confessed to his crimes -- they can say he was pressured, or something equally inane. Many of those who responded above have have worked very hard to find peace in a new life without people who once seemed so important to them. My daughter's perpetrator was a neighbor and we were lucky to move away and never have to see him again; losing family contact/support is one complicating factor we did not have to deal with.
BTW, this is my own perspective on forgiveness: it's completely unnecessary. People say it's not for the perpetrator, but for ourselves. I could never forgive myself for forgiving the perpetrator, so how about you and I find comfy seats next to each other in hell? The Lord's Prayer says "Forgive us as we forgive others," but it's not a commandment. It's not, "We must forgive others in order for you to forgive us." Depending on one's religious beliefs, all may be forgiven anyway, so it's a job I'm happy to leave in God's hands.
I definitely can not tell you what to do here, but just know that if cutting out toxic family members sends you to hell then you can sit by me girl, because I’ll be there too, front row. Your child depends on you to protect her. Someone did a bad thing to her, and that’s not ok. She should be empowered that she did the right thing by speaking up, and the appropriate people are getting punished/receiving the help they clearly need. The collateral damage of the family taking his side over hers means that the weak people in her life are seeing themselves out. She does not need people like that influencing her. She needs people like YOU supporting her. That’s how she will heal.