Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am going to make a list of everything that has not felt right in the past and then recent disclosures by my children 6 (girl) and 3 (boy). Some of this goes way back and I am aware now that I possibly missed some early warning signs, but I didn't see some of them for what they might have been until now. :-(
First off, I will say that my husband is a very good father (hard to type that knowing he possibly molested our children) and provider and loves our children fiercely. It is VERY hard for me to imagine him crossing this boundary with our kids. My children don't exhibit the behaviors I have read about with kids who have been abused. If they do, they are subtle and / or I have misidentified them as normal or age appropriate. If anything, the kids are very drawn to their father. I have never seen any fear. If something has happened, I don't believe my husband to be a pedophile, as I don't believe he is attracted to children. I do think due to some of our issues and things that I've learned since being with him. Two past rape (not of minors) charges before I met him that he wasn't convicted of. Also I've learned of possible sexual harassment claims at two places where he worked, but this is hearsay. However, I believe the women who told me. They had nothing to gain from disclosing this information. He vehemently denies doing any of this. He is so good at convincing me (and anyone else) of his innocence. I have gone and back and forth with whether or not I believe he is lying or not. It's been crazy making. But at least that had to do with our relationship and had nothing to do with our kids. All of that to say, I believe with some of his sexual deviant behaviors, he would fit the opportunistic type of abuser more than a pedophile. Not sure that matters. Just an observation.
1.) When oldest was almost 3 and I was in hospital having son, she was left with her father for 2 days and nights. When I returned home, I was giving her a bath and she was licking everything. Her arms, toys, etc. I know that toddlers are weird and lick things. That was not what made my stomach turn, it was the WAY she was licking everything. Back and forth and very seductively. It was a new behavior - something she had not done 2 days prior when I was home. It was disturbing and I asked her why she was licking everything. This is where things get a little murky. I didn't write anything down, and wish I had, so can't in good faith say exactly how our conversation went, but I do know I asked her if anyone had ever licked her like that and she indicated her father had and I asked where and she ran her little hands all over her body. Not really stopping anywhere. It was bizarre and my head was absolutely spinning and I thought I would be sick. I asked if daddy did anything else, and I remember she said something about him crying. I thought that odd, but thinking about it, if he had done something so selfish and sick and crossed that line with his precious daughter, I can see him breaking down and crying?! Anyway, this is probably when I should have called the police and not given it another thought. However, I went out of the bathroom, where my husband was sitting with our new baby boy and sat down, shaking and visibly upset. He asked what in the world was wrong and I proceeded to tell him what our daughter had told me. He was SO passionate about how he would NEVER hurt our children. They are the best things that have ever happened to him, that's sick and he can't believe I would think that he's capable of something like that, etc. I really believed him. I wanted to believe him. I told myself I was being paranoid and because I had new mommy brain and lack of sleep, that I was possibly wrong and my daughter was just licking things because she's almost 3 and kids do weird stuff like that. And that my questioning her about if anyone had licked her was out of line, and possibly I misinterpreted everything. I wanted so badly for that not to be true and I chose to believe my husband and doubt my gut. However, after that day, I was very alert and talked to our daughter more about body safety and boundaries and good touch / bad touch.
Time kind of runs together for me at this point and wish I had documented better as far as dates go, but at the time, I didn't think about any of this being related to possible abuse and still not sure if it is or not, but the following happened with my daughter a little before or after the incident above. Give or take a year.
2.) Daughter had quite a few night terrors.
3.) Daughter used to have very intense temper tantrums. I just thought man, this kid is spirited!
4.) Daughter used to pull out eyelashes and hair. This really freaked me out - but she eventually stopped.
5.) Very clingy with me, but at about 4 1/2 or 5 she started being closer to her father.
6.) Daughter used to touch herself quite a bit. I don't feel it was excessive. It definitely was more than my older daughter (19 now and out of the house - from previous marriage) ever did at same age. I had to tell her quite often that she should only do that in private. She would often touch herself while watching t.v. on couch or in bed while being read bedtime story. She wasn't masturbating, just touching her vagina.
7.) About 6 - 7 months ago, I left my daughter alone with her father while my oldest son (14 and from another marriage - he has been with my husband for approximately 8 - 9 years and knows what is going on - he would definitely tell me if his step-father had ever done anything inappropriate to him) had a soccer game. My youngest wanted to go and originally my daughter had wanted to go, but at last minute threw a fit and wanted to stay home with her father. I let her but had uneasy feeling, so called after being gone about 30 min. Everything seemed fine, they were playing her WII and I could hear her and the game in the background. That made me feel better. Then about 45 min. later I called again. This time he didn't answer phone. Cell or home, both of which I called about 6 times each over the next hour. His cell phone is always in his pocket and always on vibrate. The home phone is loud enough that he would have heard it from her room, where the WII is. I finally got ahold of him on way home from soccer game, and he said he didn't feel / hear phone calls, that they had been playing the WII the entire time. Something didn't feel right. When we got home, it was time for youngest son's nap and husband put him to sleep and laid down with him and also took a nap. During this time I asked daughter what she and father had done while we were gone. She said they played the WII and took a nap. I asked which bed. She indicated the master bedroom. I asked a few more questions, but nothing leading and concluded that they laid down and that he held her like a "teddy bear" the entire time, but that was all. I wasn't at all comfortable with the fact that he neglected to tell me this, but felt that nothing inappropriate happened and thought that he might have avoided telling me as he was now taking another nap with son and thought I would be mad. I never questioned him about this because I knew it wouldn't have done any good. If he had been doing something inappropriate, he definitely would not have told me, and knowing our daughter told him about laying down with him, it might give him a reason to tell her not to tell me anything again. If it was totally innocent, then he would be upset that I was questioning him. It was a lose / lose situation, so I chose to keep this to myself.
8.) My oldest moved out, her room is upstairs right next to room where husband sleeps. Youngest daughter has room downstairs that we have painted pink for her and hung pretty curtains in. My husband was wanting to move our daughter upstairs into old room of oldest daughter. The room is half painted orange as this was oldest favorite color. It made no sense as to why he was petitioning for youngest to move rooms. He had even told me on a couple of occasions that she wanted her room to be upstairs. I said I didn't think it was a good idea and left it at that.
9.) There was one night during this time when I had asked youngest if she wanted to sleep with myself and youngest son (kind size bed) since it was the weekend and she did. My husband was extremely upset with this arrangement. Almost too upset. It was unusual and could have been nothing, but still didn't seem appropriate.
10.) About 3 months ago, I came home with oldest son after taking him to soccer practice. Youngest were left at home with father. The door in the garage that goes into house was locked. Immediately I felt something was not right. I called husband and he came and let me in. I asked why door was locked and he said that children had been playing red light / green light and must have run into laundry room and pushed lock in. I know this is possible, however, in all the years of me staying home with my children who run around like crazy every day, this hasn't happened. So yes, it's possible, but seems unlikely. Nothing else was amiss.
11.) About 3 months ago my daughter was weepy and told me that she didn't want me to move, that she wanted to stay in our house together and that she didn't want mommy and daddy to be apart. I assured her that we weren't going anywhere and that we loved her and nothing bad would happen. Not sure what that was about, but found it odd.
12.) About 2 months ago, daughter who is 6, had a day and a half where she was urinating on herself and in bed. I had no idea why she was doing this and was worried something was wrong. She must have gone about 3 times in her pants and once in bed. It was not normal for her to do this. After that, she had no more accidents. Just odd.
13.) My daughter has her own room downstairs. I sleep in master bedroom with 3 year old (toddler bed is also in room - but haven't gotten him to transition there yet) and husband has been sleeping upstairs for almost 6 years (!) due to co-sleeping, breastfeeding and snoring. Not in that order. Anyway, there have been a few nights where she has wanted to sleep with me and once in past couple of months where she has come in middle of night to sleep saying she was scared. Next day she said that she never has bad dreams when she sleeps with me, but sometimes does when sleeping alone.
14.) Disclosure #1 March 3 - daughter age 6. My oldest son had soccer try outs that evening and daughter had dance class at same time. I took son to soccer and younger son with us. My husband took daughter to dance and picked her up. They were home alone a couple of hours before we returned. It was time for bed and my husband was trying to brush daughter's teeth while I was getting youngest son ready for bed. Husband got onto daughter because she wasn't listening. She started crying and having a fit saying "I want mommy. I want mommy." I knew she was tired, so didn't think it unusual that she was throwing such a fit or repeating she wanted me over and over. My husband and I switched places and I finished brushing her teeth and then shut the bathroom door and sat down on the toilet with her on my lap to calm her. I asked why she was so upset. She said that daddy had yelled at her. I told her I know and that wasn't nice, but she had not been listening. I asked her if she and daddy had fun while we were gone and what they had done to which she replied that she didn't remember. I said she had to remember as it was just a while ago. She said she didn't. I asked if they had watched t.v. She said "A little." I asked what else, again she said that she didn't remember. I asked if she remembered that her friend had come over to play that day after school, to which she replied with a very enthusiastic "YES!" So I said if you can remember that then you should be able to remember what else you and daddy did. I asked her if they had laid down. The reason I asked this, is because at that point, I was uncomfortable with how she was acting and the time about 6 months ago when he failed to tell me that they had taken a nap when they were left alone. She said "I don't want to tell you. Daddy said that's a secret." I then told her that we don't keep secrets and that she needed to tell me and I wouldn't be angry and she wouldn't get in trouble. To this she became upset and said "I don't want to tell you my secret. WHY do I have to tell you my secret?" She said this about 3 times and finally said "I was just kidding mama, there is no secret." And asked if we could go to bed. I dropped the subject and tucked her in and read her a couple of books. She seemed to be just fine. The next day when she got home from school, I got my youngest busy with a video and went into my daughter's room and asked her if she had laid down with her father the night before? She said yes that they had cuddled. I asked where and she indicated the bed in the master bedroom. She has 2 dolls which I asked her to pretend one was her and one was daddy and to show me how they cuddled. She put them both on their sides facing each other and touching. I said, "So you just cuddled?" and she said "Yes, and kissed." I asked where they kissed and she pointed all over her face and on her lips. I said "So, you just cuddled and kissed each other on the face and lips?" She said that is all they had done. I didn't know what else to ask and didn't want to traumatize her, so I didn't ask her any other questions. She had picked up and was playing with one of the dolls, when all of a sudden she puts the face of the doll she's holding directly onto the doll still laying on the floors crotch and starts making slurping noises and saying, "suck his butt, suck his butt" over and over. Kind of laughing while doing so. I asked where she had seen that and she said she made it up, that it was from her imagination. I asked her if her and daddy had done that, and she said "No mommy, this isn't daddy and me anymore." I didn't ask anything further. From that moment on though, I never left them alone and watched her and him like a hawk.
15.) Disclosure #2 Son age 3 March 7 - It was a Sunday morning and I was sitting on couch with 3 year old son when he says "Lick my butt." He has been saying booty and butt and talking about farts quite a bit lately and I find it a normal part of being a 3 year old boy, so that in itself isn't cause for alarm. I said "That's yucky. We don't say that and nobody should ever lick your bottom." He said "Daddy did" I asked him to repeat what he said and he said "daddy licked my butt and he touched it with a stick." I asked where mommy was and he said "the store" I asked where daughter was and he said "in her room" I asked what the stick looked like and he said it was green and then he said it was rainbow and listed all the colors of the rainbow. I wasn't sure what else to ask, but I was visibly shaken. I don't believe he was joking. The way he said it was very matter of fact and not like he was being silly as he is most of the time. He then said "Just kidding - that didn't happen." The same as daughter had 4 days earlier. My husband woke up a little bit later. To say that was a very tough day is an understatement. The next day, when my husband had gone to work and my oldest to school, I got the dolls and asked son if he would show me what daddy did. Without hesitation, he picked up daughters WII remote and brought it over to the doll I was still holding and said "Here mommy, you need this, but this isn't the stick daddy used - it wasn't ---'s remote" I asked him what daddy did with it and he pointed at doll on floors crotch area. I didn't ask anything else.
I called crisis hotlines, a forensic psychologist, play therapist and repeated what had happened. I just wanted to KNOW if something had happened or if I was being paranoid. I wanted to get my kids into a counselor versed in this type of thing. There was NO way that I could comfortably live in the same house with my husband without fearing he was doing harm to our children. Not one of the people I talked to said that this was normal. Everyone told me that they would by law, have to report this to DHS and that I needed to or I could get in trouble. From the time my daughter said the thing about a secret and done the thing with the doll, it took me a week and a half to make that phone call. It was the hardest phone call I have ever made. Only because I knew it would change everything. Anyway, here we are almost a month later and DHS has come and the children were made to go with my mother as I was charged with "failure to protect" and husband and I were made to stay in different houses during this time (due to a domestic dispute in which I called the police about 3 days prior to DHS finally showing up). That was actually a blessing in disguise. I have never felt the need to call the police until that day. Such a long story, but nothing to do with the possible sexual abuse. Anyway, both kids had their forensic interviews where nothing was uncovered and my husband and I each were interviewed days later. He had an attorney who apparently has a lot of dealings with DHS and he was asked a couple of questions. Whether he had kissed his son's bottom or ever touched it with a stick. He said no. I guess that's all they needed and the same day as his interview, the children were returned home along with my husband. Tomorrow I have appointment with a good forensic psychologist. My husband spoke with her today. The longer I am in the same house with him and listen to him, the more confused I become and the more I start believing that he couldn't have done such a thing to our children. Yet when I go over all of the above (which I do more than I would like) I know that I'm letting him influence what my gut has felt so many times. And I have to remember how many times he has lied and I've believed him before about different things. I just pray that when my kids see the forensic psychologist, they disclose something. IF something happened. I feel like something happened.
If you have read ALL of this - thank you and I apologize for the length and all of the grammatical errors. :-O
First off, I will say that my husband is a very good father (hard to type that knowing he possibly molested our children) and provider and loves our children fiercely. It is VERY hard for me to imagine him crossing this boundary with our kids. My children don't exhibit the behaviors I have read about with kids who have been abused. If they do, they are subtle and / or I have misidentified them as normal or age appropriate. If anything, the kids are very drawn to their father. I have never seen any fear. If something has happened, I don't believe my husband to be a pedophile, as I don't believe he is attracted to children. I do think due to some of our issues and things that I've learned since being with him. Two past rape (not of minors) charges before I met him that he wasn't convicted of. Also I've learned of possible sexual harassment claims at two places where he worked, but this is hearsay. However, I believe the women who told me. They had nothing to gain from disclosing this information. He vehemently denies doing any of this. He is so good at convincing me (and anyone else) of his innocence. I have gone and back and forth with whether or not I believe he is lying or not. It's been crazy making. But at least that had to do with our relationship and had nothing to do with our kids. All of that to say, I believe with some of his sexual deviant behaviors, he would fit the opportunistic type of abuser more than a pedophile. Not sure that matters. Just an observation.
1.) When oldest was almost 3 and I was in hospital having son, she was left with her father for 2 days and nights. When I returned home, I was giving her a bath and she was licking everything. Her arms, toys, etc. I know that toddlers are weird and lick things. That was not what made my stomach turn, it was the WAY she was licking everything. Back and forth and very seductively. It was a new behavior - something she had not done 2 days prior when I was home. It was disturbing and I asked her why she was licking everything. This is where things get a little murky. I didn't write anything down, and wish I had, so can't in good faith say exactly how our conversation went, but I do know I asked her if anyone had ever licked her like that and she indicated her father had and I asked where and she ran her little hands all over her body. Not really stopping anywhere. It was bizarre and my head was absolutely spinning and I thought I would be sick. I asked if daddy did anything else, and I remember she said something about him crying. I thought that odd, but thinking about it, if he had done something so selfish and sick and crossed that line with his precious daughter, I can see him breaking down and crying?! Anyway, this is probably when I should have called the police and not given it another thought. However, I went out of the bathroom, where my husband was sitting with our new baby boy and sat down, shaking and visibly upset. He asked what in the world was wrong and I proceeded to tell him what our daughter had told me. He was SO passionate about how he would NEVER hurt our children. They are the best things that have ever happened to him, that's sick and he can't believe I would think that he's capable of something like that, etc. I really believed him. I wanted to believe him. I told myself I was being paranoid and because I had new mommy brain and lack of sleep, that I was possibly wrong and my daughter was just licking things because she's almost 3 and kids do weird stuff like that. And that my questioning her about if anyone had licked her was out of line, and possibly I misinterpreted everything. I wanted so badly for that not to be true and I chose to believe my husband and doubt my gut. However, after that day, I was very alert and talked to our daughter more about body safety and boundaries and good touch / bad touch.
Time kind of runs together for me at this point and wish I had documented better as far as dates go, but at the time, I didn't think about any of this being related to possible abuse and still not sure if it is or not, but the following happened with my daughter a little before or after the incident above. Give or take a year.
2.) Daughter had quite a few night terrors.
3.) Daughter used to have very intense temper tantrums. I just thought man, this kid is spirited!
4.) Daughter used to pull out eyelashes and hair. This really freaked me out - but she eventually stopped.
5.) Very clingy with me, but at about 4 1/2 or 5 she started being closer to her father.
6.) Daughter used to touch herself quite a bit. I don't feel it was excessive. It definitely was more than my older daughter (19 now and out of the house - from previous marriage) ever did at same age. I had to tell her quite often that she should only do that in private. She would often touch herself while watching t.v. on couch or in bed while being read bedtime story. She wasn't masturbating, just touching her vagina.
7.) About 6 - 7 months ago, I left my daughter alone with her father while my oldest son (14 and from another marriage - he has been with my husband for approximately 8 - 9 years and knows what is going on - he would definitely tell me if his step-father had ever done anything inappropriate to him) had a soccer game. My youngest wanted to go and originally my daughter had wanted to go, but at last minute threw a fit and wanted to stay home with her father. I let her but had uneasy feeling, so called after being gone about 30 min. Everything seemed fine, they were playing her WII and I could hear her and the game in the background. That made me feel better. Then about 45 min. later I called again. This time he didn't answer phone. Cell or home, both of which I called about 6 times each over the next hour. His cell phone is always in his pocket and always on vibrate. The home phone is loud enough that he would have heard it from her room, where the WII is. I finally got ahold of him on way home from soccer game, and he said he didn't feel / hear phone calls, that they had been playing the WII the entire time. Something didn't feel right. When we got home, it was time for youngest son's nap and husband put him to sleep and laid down with him and also took a nap. During this time I asked daughter what she and father had done while we were gone. She said they played the WII and took a nap. I asked which bed. She indicated the master bedroom. I asked a few more questions, but nothing leading and concluded that they laid down and that he held her like a "teddy bear" the entire time, but that was all. I wasn't at all comfortable with the fact that he neglected to tell me this, but felt that nothing inappropriate happened and thought that he might have avoided telling me as he was now taking another nap with son and thought I would be mad. I never questioned him about this because I knew it wouldn't have done any good. If he had been doing something inappropriate, he definitely would not have told me, and knowing our daughter told him about laying down with him, it might give him a reason to tell her not to tell me anything again. If it was totally innocent, then he would be upset that I was questioning him. It was a lose / lose situation, so I chose to keep this to myself.
8.) My oldest moved out, her room is upstairs right next to room where husband sleeps. Youngest daughter has room downstairs that we have painted pink for her and hung pretty curtains in. My husband was wanting to move our daughter upstairs into old room of oldest daughter. The room is half painted orange as this was oldest favorite color. It made no sense as to why he was petitioning for youngest to move rooms. He had even told me on a couple of occasions that she wanted her room to be upstairs. I said I didn't think it was a good idea and left it at that.
9.) There was one night during this time when I had asked youngest if she wanted to sleep with myself and youngest son (kind size bed) since it was the weekend and she did. My husband was extremely upset with this arrangement. Almost too upset. It was unusual and could have been nothing, but still didn't seem appropriate.
10.) About 3 months ago, I came home with oldest son after taking him to soccer practice. Youngest were left at home with father. The door in the garage that goes into house was locked. Immediately I felt something was not right. I called husband and he came and let me in. I asked why door was locked and he said that children had been playing red light / green light and must have run into laundry room and pushed lock in. I know this is possible, however, in all the years of me staying home with my children who run around like crazy every day, this hasn't happened. So yes, it's possible, but seems unlikely. Nothing else was amiss.
11.) About 3 months ago my daughter was weepy and told me that she didn't want me to move, that she wanted to stay in our house together and that she didn't want mommy and daddy to be apart. I assured her that we weren't going anywhere and that we loved her and nothing bad would happen. Not sure what that was about, but found it odd.
12.) About 2 months ago, daughter who is 6, had a day and a half where she was urinating on herself and in bed. I had no idea why she was doing this and was worried something was wrong. She must have gone about 3 times in her pants and once in bed. It was not normal for her to do this. After that, she had no more accidents. Just odd.
13.) My daughter has her own room downstairs. I sleep in master bedroom with 3 year old (toddler bed is also in room - but haven't gotten him to transition there yet) and husband has been sleeping upstairs for almost 6 years (!) due to co-sleeping, breastfeeding and snoring. Not in that order. Anyway, there have been a few nights where she has wanted to sleep with me and once in past couple of months where she has come in middle of night to sleep saying she was scared. Next day she said that she never has bad dreams when she sleeps with me, but sometimes does when sleeping alone.
14.) Disclosure #1 March 3 - daughter age 6. My oldest son had soccer try outs that evening and daughter had dance class at same time. I took son to soccer and younger son with us. My husband took daughter to dance and picked her up. They were home alone a couple of hours before we returned. It was time for bed and my husband was trying to brush daughter's teeth while I was getting youngest son ready for bed. Husband got onto daughter because she wasn't listening. She started crying and having a fit saying "I want mommy. I want mommy." I knew she was tired, so didn't think it unusual that she was throwing such a fit or repeating she wanted me over and over. My husband and I switched places and I finished brushing her teeth and then shut the bathroom door and sat down on the toilet with her on my lap to calm her. I asked why she was so upset. She said that daddy had yelled at her. I told her I know and that wasn't nice, but she had not been listening. I asked her if she and daddy had fun while we were gone and what they had done to which she replied that she didn't remember. I said she had to remember as it was just a while ago. She said she didn't. I asked if they had watched t.v. She said "A little." I asked what else, again she said that she didn't remember. I asked if she remembered that her friend had come over to play that day after school, to which she replied with a very enthusiastic "YES!" So I said if you can remember that then you should be able to remember what else you and daddy did. I asked her if they had laid down. The reason I asked this, is because at that point, I was uncomfortable with how she was acting and the time about 6 months ago when he failed to tell me that they had taken a nap when they were left alone. She said "I don't want to tell you. Daddy said that's a secret." I then told her that we don't keep secrets and that she needed to tell me and I wouldn't be angry and she wouldn't get in trouble. To this she became upset and said "I don't want to tell you my secret. WHY do I have to tell you my secret?" She said this about 3 times and finally said "I was just kidding mama, there is no secret." And asked if we could go to bed. I dropped the subject and tucked her in and read her a couple of books. She seemed to be just fine. The next day when she got home from school, I got my youngest busy with a video and went into my daughter's room and asked her if she had laid down with her father the night before? She said yes that they had cuddled. I asked where and she indicated the bed in the master bedroom. She has 2 dolls which I asked her to pretend one was her and one was daddy and to show me how they cuddled. She put them both on their sides facing each other and touching. I said, "So you just cuddled?" and she said "Yes, and kissed." I asked where they kissed and she pointed all over her face and on her lips. I said "So, you just cuddled and kissed each other on the face and lips?" She said that is all they had done. I didn't know what else to ask and didn't want to traumatize her, so I didn't ask her any other questions. She had picked up and was playing with one of the dolls, when all of a sudden she puts the face of the doll she's holding directly onto the doll still laying on the floors crotch and starts making slurping noises and saying, "suck his butt, suck his butt" over and over. Kind of laughing while doing so. I asked where she had seen that and she said she made it up, that it was from her imagination. I asked her if her and daddy had done that, and she said "No mommy, this isn't daddy and me anymore." I didn't ask anything further. From that moment on though, I never left them alone and watched her and him like a hawk.
15.) Disclosure #2 Son age 3 March 7 - It was a Sunday morning and I was sitting on couch with 3 year old son when he says "Lick my butt." He has been saying booty and butt and talking about farts quite a bit lately and I find it a normal part of being a 3 year old boy, so that in itself isn't cause for alarm. I said "That's yucky. We don't say that and nobody should ever lick your bottom." He said "Daddy did" I asked him to repeat what he said and he said "daddy licked my butt and he touched it with a stick." I asked where mommy was and he said "the store" I asked where daughter was and he said "in her room" I asked what the stick looked like and he said it was green and then he said it was rainbow and listed all the colors of the rainbow. I wasn't sure what else to ask, but I was visibly shaken. I don't believe he was joking. The way he said it was very matter of fact and not like he was being silly as he is most of the time. He then said "Just kidding - that didn't happen." The same as daughter had 4 days earlier. My husband woke up a little bit later. To say that was a very tough day is an understatement. The next day, when my husband had gone to work and my oldest to school, I got the dolls and asked son if he would show me what daddy did. Without hesitation, he picked up daughters WII remote and brought it over to the doll I was still holding and said "Here mommy, you need this, but this isn't the stick daddy used - it wasn't ---'s remote" I asked him what daddy did with it and he pointed at doll on floors crotch area. I didn't ask anything else.
I called crisis hotlines, a forensic psychologist, play therapist and repeated what had happened. I just wanted to KNOW if something had happened or if I was being paranoid. I wanted to get my kids into a counselor versed in this type of thing. There was NO way that I could comfortably live in the same house with my husband without fearing he was doing harm to our children. Not one of the people I talked to said that this was normal. Everyone told me that they would by law, have to report this to DHS and that I needed to or I could get in trouble. From the time my daughter said the thing about a secret and done the thing with the doll, it took me a week and a half to make that phone call. It was the hardest phone call I have ever made. Only because I knew it would change everything. Anyway, here we are almost a month later and DHS has come and the children were made to go with my mother as I was charged with "failure to protect" and husband and I were made to stay in different houses during this time (due to a domestic dispute in which I called the police about 3 days prior to DHS finally showing up). That was actually a blessing in disguise. I have never felt the need to call the police until that day. Such a long story, but nothing to do with the possible sexual abuse. Anyway, both kids had their forensic interviews where nothing was uncovered and my husband and I each were interviewed days later. He had an attorney who apparently has a lot of dealings with DHS and he was asked a couple of questions. Whether he had kissed his son's bottom or ever touched it with a stick. He said no. I guess that's all they needed and the same day as his interview, the children were returned home along with my husband. Tomorrow I have appointment with a good forensic psychologist. My husband spoke with her today. The longer I am in the same house with him and listen to him, the more confused I become and the more I start believing that he couldn't have done such a thing to our children. Yet when I go over all of the above (which I do more than I would like) I know that I'm letting him influence what my gut has felt so many times. And I have to remember how many times he has lied and I've believed him before about different things. I just pray that when my kids see the forensic psychologist, they disclose something. IF something happened. I feel like something happened.
If you have read ALL of this - thank you and I apologize for the length and all of the grammatical errors. :-O
My daughter was 6 at her disclosure. It had been happening for years apparently. The bed wetting was a big problem, I should have known. She was fully potty trained and somewhere around 4 years old she started bed wetting and having accidents again. She didn't want to go to the bathroom and complained her potty hurt. It would stink and be itchy and I swear I yelled at her father for not bathing her more times than I could count.
She didn't tell the detective anything. She bonded very well with the Licensed Specialist Clinical Social Worker (LSCSW) and that is who she disclosed the rest to. She still had accidents and every step forward would end in two steps back for a while. I really recommend getting your daughter in to see one in your state. The one I found had 30+ years of experience and was well regarded in the court system.
The LSCSW had me go in during a session to tell me a little about what had happened. I didn't last two minutes. Hearing my little girl say in her tiny sweet voice nust the beginning of what had occured was too much for me. I broke out in uncontrollable sobs and she asked me to step back out. My little girlnis amazing though and that lady was able to reteach her whats appropriate and how to say no.
The way he kept her from telling me was using her love for him against her. He told her if ahe told me that I would flip out and take her away and she would never see him again and they would be in a lot of trouble. He guilted her with her own love for him. He's scum. Your daughter might be going through the same thing, its so much pressure to put on a child. Its a terrible place to be. I'm so sorry this is happening but please please please be 100% sure it isn't happening if you're going to stay, not for you but for her sake and her brothers.
It is the damnedest thing that your effort to protect your children is what led to the charge of not protecting your children, but deal with that charge now by showing now that you will stop at nothing to protect them. There is NO WAY that they should be in the same home with that man. If he won't move out, you MUST, with your children. Did I read somewhere in your post that your husband has an attorney? YOU need an attorney. You need one TOMORROW, to find out exactly what your rights are so that you can find the way to keep your children with you, but far and safely apart from your soon-to-be-ex-husband.
This is the point in your story where you say, there is no denying the truth. You may not know the whole truth -- in fact, you may never know the whole truth, because children's shame, their desire to protect you, and their fear of whatever threats the abuser made, will keep them from telling everything. But you have MORE than enough to call bullshit on your soon-to-be-ex-husband's proclamations of innocence and caring. If all were well, your gut will never tell you what it is screaming at you right now.
ALL of the behaviors your children have been displaying are, in fact, signs of sexual abuse. Please spend an hour or so reading the information at www.mosac.org.
That said, I, and probably most of the parents here, can attest to missing the signs -- I missed every single one -- and failing to listen to our gut that something was, at the very least odd, and uncomfortably so. Sexual abuse is something we don't hear about from our obstetricians or from our children's pediatricians. I truly believe that these professionals should learn more about sexual abuse, and provide parents with information about what to look for -- physical, emotional, and behavioral signs, all of which you've described.
I need to sleep now. I will stop in tomorrow. I am thinking about you.
Long story short.
My son had a secret he didn't want to tell. He told me and I also made the hardest phone call I have ever had to make.
That secret resulted in 50 years in prion of a very loved (then) grandfather for molesting 5 of his grandchildren.
I am so sorry for you and your family for all of this.
MUCH love and support to you.
I am thinking of you, and supporting your every effort to remove your children from a dangerous situation. Your current state of disbelief makes you want to stay where you are, so you will have to make a mental leap to do the right thing. You won't want to leap, because you'll want to return to the life you THOUGHT you had. It will be very hard and very scary to do what's right -- but it IS what's right. My heart goes out to you.
Previous accusations of rape AND sexual harassment?!?!?
Not all criminals are stupid and obvious
The smartest of criminals appear kind
It's called sophisticated abuse
He's not a good father - he just appears to be
I hope you never have to witness this, but I can pretty much guarantee that if he had to solo parent your kids, he would be a disasterous flop. My suspicion is that you think he's a good father because his faults are not revealed due to your diligent parenting.
Upon my initial discovery of abuse, I said all the same things as you.
Ah... He's not that bad
He's probably not a pedophile just had a moment
Reality is - your husband probably is detached and personality disordered behind his charming appearance
Sounds like he's a sexual deviant
Nice fathers, good men don't do these things
You will only see how nasty your husband is once you finally challenge him. While life has been comfy cosy he can behave kind. Once you put him to the test - his filter will quickly fail him and you will see him for who he is... And you will be amazed yet able to connect the dots all the more.
The day after my son disclosed, I had an appointment with my therapist (who happens to specialize in in abuse and trauma). She heard me talk about my son's disclosure and continued to listen as I tried to convince myself that it was a misunderstanding. She finally slammed her hands on the table and sternly, and loudly said "HE DID IT". You must believe your children. It is not in our mental capacity to believe someone we love and trust could be such a monster.