Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My daughter is 13 and struggling with mental issues. It got so bad these past couple of months that she has been to the hospital 3 times for suicidal plans. She self harms as well. She has been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD.We recently found out from the hospital staff on her first stay there that her father molested her when she was 7. She held this secret in for 6 years!! I did not know what to do or how to take hearing that someone that was supposed to always protect her was the one who actually hurt her. I honestly think I'm still in shock. So we went through her going to get her statement recorded and her talking to detectives. The woman who recorded her statement was even in tears when she heard her telling her story. The detective was very heartless in my opinion and was not very helpful. He even had my daughter call and confront her father so they could record the conversation! That was very traumatizing for her and she actually ended up back in the hospital that night. They also asked him to do a polygraph and he told them no. All this was done just for them to say its not enough evidence to charge him!!! They said they need a witness like what?!?! The only other person that was there was her little sister and she says she never saw anything and he never did anything to her. Its her father though there are no witnesses because I trusted him to watch them while I worked. He is also very mentally unstable and refuses to seek help so has never been diagnosed with anything. He told her during the phone call they had her do to confront him that we are all putting drugs in her food to make her think he did that to her and that if he really did that don't you think her vag would be ripped?? Thats what he said to his 13 year old daughter. I hate the justice system! I don't know what steps I could take next to try to get him charged if any... Any suggestions?
So back to whats going on with her. She started out by cutting her arms and then she took a handful of tylenol which is how she ended up in the hospital. She is having nightmares every night its the same one of her sitting on the bed crying and him sitting next to her rubbing her leg... She is also having flashbacks daily to where she can't even go to school or live a somewhat normal life. She sees a therapist twice a week, is on medication and she has a really good support system but nothing seems to be helping her really. She still feels like she does not want to be here. She says its her fault it happened and that I deserve a better daughter.. I don't know what else to do? Im open to all suggestions at this point.. It does help that I can vent a little and I know I should probably be seeing someone as well but I just want to get her everything she needs first then I will focus on myself.
One of the hardest phases for survivors is when they first tell what happened. Making her tell it all outside of a therapeutic plan I'm sure is making it all hit her hard in a bad way. The nightmares, flashbacks, depression, suicidal ideation, shame, etc are all related to having to relive everything, which to her brain is like having it happen all over again. Also she's probably at an age where she's finally really understanding what happened, with her sexuality emerging. If she has to take some time off from school, or go inpatient for her own safety, it wouldn't be surprising or inappropriate.
mosac.net has a lot of info to help you understand this from many angles as a mother, and links to a lot of resources.
be sure to get yourself some help, it's like they advise for physical caregivers to get the help they need so they can better help the person they love. same goes for mental health caregiving. journaling, ventine online, phone counseling, in person counseling or support groups, it can all help. i learned that i still have a hurt child inside me that needed the same things my daughter did, which helped me to offer her true empathy. playing "the blame game" is natural but in the end it's not helpful for either of you. stay strong mama
I hope you will consider EMDR therapy for your daughter as soon as possible. It seems to work by enlisting the whole brain in the processing of trauma, which tends, otherwise, to "live" in a very reactive part of the brain. Adolescence is a time when the brain literally picks which connections to keep and which to throw out. Brains grow where the neurons are used most frequently. This is just MY theory, but it seems logical that if someone is habitually strengthening the connections with self-destructive behavior, then it's going to be harder to get rid of those neurons and patterns. Dissociative thinking starts at an average age of 16. I'm so glad you're getting help!!!
As for your daughter saying that you deserve a "better daughter," it's quite likely that her abuser told her she was bad, as did my daughter's abuser. It has taken years for her to stop saying bad things about herself. It may take a lot of work on your part (and her therapist's part) to dissect the thought processes that say, "I participated in sexual abuse, therefore I am bad, and don't deserve to live, and mom is a good person, therefore I am not worthy of her and it would be better for me to be gone." It can be VERY difficult for survivors to assign blame fully to their abusers -- we so desperately want to believe that we have some control over our lives, and that people who are supposed to care for us aren't going to hurt us. When we lose that control we feel ashamed. And when we are persuaded (manipulated) to participate in something that we can tell is wrong (because it's a "secret"), and isn't good for us, we feel guilty, because we BELIEVE we have control over our actions -- even young kids believe that. Help your daughter find words to put herself in the right, innocent position as she describes herself. She lacks empathy for herself at the moment because she's been convinced she's a bad person. We can tell our kids a million ways that they are wonderful people, but if they are dealing with this kind of "programmed guilt" they cannot hear us. They need to hear themselves describe their own innocence and anger to believe they are whole.
MANY hugs.
Please keep writing. It helps.
My daughter was acting very odd. she wanted me to lay down with her when she wanted to go to bed all over again. I was so used to her being so independent that I brushed it off and went on with chores and whatnot. I had recently started my overnight shift and had enrolled in online classes and all. This was last year in the summer.
She had always been a well-behaved child and honor roll student who gave me no grief. I figured she was old enough to not depend on me that much so I can focus on educating myself to improve our quality of life.
she slowly began to change her attitude increased and she began to demonstrate signs of depression. I decided to send her with her dad for three weeks because I assumed that was what she needed.
when she returned it got worse. She spent most of her day locked up. she listened to more and more depressing songs. she gave me more attitude and did not accompany me anywhere. she even slept more.
Then it was time for her annual check-up. at 12 years of age Drs have teens fill out their own mental check paperwork. there she admitted she had attempted suicide two months prior. I did everything I had to do to get her help.. two more months of therapy. her behavior doesn't change and her grades are dropping. I took even a vacation and that didn't help. one day I arrive earlier than expected and catch inappropriate child behavior happening on her facetime.
I had a mental breakdown in front of her. I explained my hopelessness. I felt like a failure and she felt it. an hour later she says she is ready to talk and just said one phrase "Do you know why I hate Granpa?" That's all it took and I knew.
I feel like a failure as a mother. It all happened while I was home. It happened multiple times and she never screamed for me or cried. Now unfortunately the family does not believe her because it started with the detective's doubts.
It's a very lonely and painful situation. just know you are not alone and neither is your daughter.