Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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JadeW324 04/12/2017

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting and being on this site. I didn't know what else to do or where to turn. Even though he is not biologically my child I consider him my child since I've raised him as my own since he was born. My 6 year old nephew had this happen to him. What makes it even more hard to comprehend is that this was done by another child who is 12 years old. I tried to speak with his parents about the situation but they wanted no part in it. The mother simply shrugged her shoulders and said "Go ahead and call the cops" and she walked off. It took everything in me not to run after her and just slam her to the ground and punch her. We live in a nice neighborhood. Pretty much the ideal suburban neighborhood you can think of. The police were called and a report was filed. The officer that came out told us that he doesn't talk to children so the case was being handed to someone who is trained in this. My nephew met with a counselor and the things he told the counselor in the session just broke me and I feel so ashamed for not protecting him. I let him down. I feel so angry and hateful not only towards that child's parents but to the 12 year old who did this. The boy and his family have since moved out of the neighborhood. Ever since the police came over that day up until now none of the neighborhood kids have come over to play with my nephew. One kid my nephew used to play with every day told me he's no longer allowed to play in our cul-de-sac. Only one kid has come over to play with my nephew. I feel so angry and sad for my nephew that not only did the 12 year old's parents treat the situation as if it was nothing but our whole neighborhood is treating us as if my nephew did something wrong. I have googled every thing on how to approach kids on this. I've stayed up past 3 in the morning researching the why's and the do's and dont's. I know it will take my nephew time to process what has happened and hopefully one day he can talk to me about it. I won't force him. I believe that when he's ready he'll be able to talk about it. In the meantime he is receiving counseling on a daily basis. I just needed some advice on letting him know I'm here for him. I just don't want him to think he's done anything wrong or for him to be ashamed of himself. I just don't know how to communicate that to him. Any feedback is welcome.

Naive1.2 04/12/2017

I'm just here to say hi, and to say that I'm so sorry that you had a reason to look for this forum. You are not alone, and you are not to blame. I'll have more to contribute after a night's sleep. Hugs. You'll find support here.

hopefulmama 04/13/2017

Be honest with him,he is Young so a "I am so sorry this happened to you,I believe you and I am here for you".So many children don't hear those words and if they did many would heal.How does the whole neighborhood know what happened?.The truth is people tend to think the victim is damaged or to blame,or will somehow teach their children things.I must confess I had those same thoughts before I found out about my daughter,of course now I am ashamed that I ever thought that way.The fact that the family moved and the mom dismissed it speaks volumes,she knows.I know it feels like you are not doing anything but believe me just him seeing you are his advocate will send a strong message.Strong anger is normal,I still get that rage,my daughter's abuser was her cousin,also 12,she was 8.As you have found people don't typically stand behind the family of the victim.Maybe you can find 1person who will talk to you and give you insight to what the neighborhood is thinking.There is no way to explain this to a child.Perhaps you need to find out of neighborhood groups to get him involved in to make new friends.I'm so sorry this happened to your family,you will get through this,oh and btw don't blame yourself,we all do,my daughter was abused while I was in the next room,on the other side of the wall!Oh and find a child advocacy agency,they will accompany you to all questioning,court and they have many resources including legal advocates free of charge.Hang in there,

JadeW324 04/13/2017

Thank you guys so much for your supportive words. I'm not too sure how the neighborhood would know. I'm assuming the parents told people and those people told the others. The parents are actually swingers. No joke. The mother gloats about it. I'm not as angry with the 12 year old as I was. I don't want him to be thrown in Juvie of course but I do think he needs helps. He needs counseling because for all I knoe this could have or could be happening to him. This is a learned behavior. I am very thankful groups like this exist for support.

momof2b 04/13/2017

It's so hard with younger kids because they don't understand the sexual aspect of all this. They might know touching privates is wrong, but they don't always get why. My daughter was 5 when I found out. I just made sure to talk to her about appropriate boundaries and ok and not ok touch often.
As far as that kid goes, that big of an age difference is not ok. Parents of abusers shock me how they can be so cavalier about it, as if it's just the norm for a 12 year old to molest a 6 year old. Thank God that family moved away from you, but it sounds like they left you with hostile neighbors. Maybe go and speak to the parents of the kids you want him to remain friends with and find out what they were told and set the record straight. Your nephew shouldn't have to lose friends because of choices made by a much older child. Yes, sometimes it is a learned behavior. Sometimes in kids of that age, they just want to experience sexual acts and use younger, more vulnerable children. My stepson just wanted to see what it was like because his friends were talking about sex a lot and he had started looking up naked pics and porn on his phone.

Naive1.2 04/14/2017

I absolutely agree with hopefulmama: it's essential that you be DIRECT with your nephew about this not being his idea or his fault (the 12-y-o may have convinced him otherwise because the same may have been told to him by whoever abused him -- and you can bet that sex was a skewed subject in that household, heaven help us!). Be DIRECT with him about how you absolutely believe and support him, AND that he's going to be okay, but that it's important to talk about it with you or a therapist; keeping questions/doubts/fears/anger inside only makes it hurt more and/or become more confusing.

I am glad to see that others above have also questioned what your remaining neighbors have heard about what happened, and from whom. My bets are on the old swinger-neighbors giving their own account of why the police showed up that day. They may feel very sophisticated because they are swingers (!!!!), but despite that mother's nonchalance, I'll bet they are worried about ending up in jail for abusing their own son. Not, obviously, because they feel guilty about it, but because cinder-block walls and steel bars would severely limit the number of variety of sexual partners they'll be able to enjoy.

I think it was the grace of God that stopped you from slamming the mom to the ground. You don't need to be facing down an assault charge when your nephew needs you.

Is he still seeing a therapist? Please say yes! And how about you? You need guidance, too.

FakeFruit 04/15/2017

JadeW, I feel so much empathy for your situation. My daughter was molested/attacked by our next door neighbor's son and the age difference was 3-4 /10/11. I have been very tempted to discuss the situation with other moms of my daughter's friends -- especially those I consider my friends. But, I have resisted precisely because I don't want them to treat my daughter differently or risk my daughter losing her friends when she's already lost so much. While your situation is terrible the bright side is that your perpetrator's family moved away promptly. Although our neighbor's acknowledged guilt and apologized, they didn't move until about year and half after disclosure. This lead to an extreme amount of anxiety for my daughter and I, which is only now beginning to heal. I think that you have done all the right things in your situation. I encouraged my daughter to only speak about her abuse to particular people because I didn't want her to be stigmatized (personal baggage) but I worry that this might have had an adverse affect even thought the intention was good.

heartsadx3 04/15/2017

How does he seem to you when he spends time with you? Is he nervous or have new fears? It sounds like he is getting lots of help which is exactly what he needs. Are you able to participate in his therapy? Has the therapist worked with him on safe people? What other adults care for him? Can you talk to them about your concern?? I would definitely get parent consent before approaching the child because it is important what is said. Mostly though trust the process be educated yourself so you can be aware of other signs and when he is in your care you set appropriate boundaries with how he interacts and the supervision which is so important. I don't allow my children to play with older kids.

JadeW324 04/21/2017

Yes he is still very much in counseling! He needs an outlet and the therapist he sees is so wonderful! I'm getting so angry with our local police department . The investigator that is assigned to the case STILL has NOT contacted the 12 year old boy or his parents. I know where this boy's father works and it is taking everything in my being not to go up to his place of work and just call him out and just scream and yell. I am getting so irritable about how every adult involved in this whole thing is taking it as if this is the norm. I was texting back and forth with the investigator and I told her some new things my nephew opened up to me about. She responded with he's going to need more counseling than what he is getting. Are you kidding me?! I'm fully aware of what needs to be done to help my nephew emotionally and mentally but what about the boy that CAUSED the trauma?! What about therapy for him? He needs help. As angry as I am at this boy I try to remind myself that this may very well have happened to him. I'm so sorry for the late response friends. So much is going on but nothing is getting done. I'm just so sorry and heartbroken at reading every single one of your stories that you shared with me. I am so sorry that your children had and are still going through the traumatic aftermath of this horrible thing.

Naive1.2 04/22/2017

I wish I could remember who, exactly, but another member here wondered why the police were taking so long to arrest her husband. It took weeks! I have no idea why this happens. I suspect that in many cases, police are less interested in arresting sexual abusers than they are in pursuing other kinds of criminals, which would be horrendous. However, it may also be that it's more difficult to put together an airtight case. Partly that's because it's based on words, and the physical evidence is too often gone by the time police get involved. Another possibility in your case is that these people have moved away, which may hamper the ability to investigate them. I.e., they may be in another jurisdiction, and there's paperwork involved between authorities in each. There may be a stakeout already underway based on other complaints they can't mention to you. The swinger thing may also be cause for concern, if the parents are involved with drugs or with people who have high-level positions.

I'm glad you're concerned for this other boy. There may be time for him to receive help, but this is just part of the injustice of your case: that boy's future is sadly beyond your control. In which case, it's important to protect your own mental health, and to save your energy for your nephew's (and your own) care.

I completely get how hard it is to hold yourself back from confronting that father. For the first two years after my daughter disclosed, I was ready at a moment's notice to get in my car with a hammer and drive five hours to our old neighborhood, or to the well-regarded institution where my daughter's rapist still works. Now I only feel that way from time to time. But it's only a dead-end fantasy that would certainly backfire on all of us. Use that rage to keep in shape, to clean your house, and to write here as often as you need.

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