Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hello everyone. I have read through quite a few posts and am so sorry that we are all dealing with such a horrible thing. :-( I have 4 children (two from a previous marriage and older, which haven't been potentially abused), and something of this nature happening to any of them has always been my greatest fear. I am going to save my story for another day, because it will take a long time to tell. My story is somewhat new and I am dealing with it as best as I can, but feel very alone. I do have my friends and family's (both few - I am an only child and don't have much family and few who I call friend) support, but they can't possibly know what I'm going through. To make a long story somewhat short, about a month ago, my 6 year old daughter said something very disturbing regarding her father. Four days later, my 3 year old son said something. I will go into more detail later, but for now will say that it was enough that I was freaking out and not sure what to do. Neither made actual claims that their father molested them. It was implied. Really implied. But both said they were kidding after a little (I was VERY careful) questioning. I have never gone through anything like this, but knew that it was serious and that I couldn't ignore what they had said and what my daughter had done. So for the next week and 1/2 I called play therapist, forensic psychologist, child abuse hotline and told them what had happened. Everyone I spoke with said that what happened wasn't normal, and that I needed to call CPS (DHS where I live). From the time that my daughter said something about daddy wanting her to keep a secret (and more) until I finally called DHS it had been a week 1/2. I never left him alone with them, took my children everywhere and watched them like a hawk when father was around. I didn't KNOW for sure if anything occurred (I still don't - but my gut tells me something did), and I knew making this phone call could potentially ruin my husbands life and possibly my kids?! I was really torn, but ultimately knew I needed to make that phone call. Fast forward ...... when DHS finally did show up, at 9:30 PM, they said that I didn't protect my children by removing them from the home and the potential perpetrator as soon as I thought something had happened. So not only was my husband a suspect, but I was too! I had no idea this could happen as I had done my best to protect them. Thank God my mother was able to take my children in or they would have been in shelters?! I am a stay at home mother, and a wonderful (not perfect) one at that! Anyway, DHS did their forensic interview with each child and the interview with myself and husband, where he said he didn't do any of the things (duh) and the case was dismissed and children allowed to come back home to HIM and myself. SOOOOOO....without making this too long, he had plenty of money for attorney, which he got. Everything is in his name, so I have basically no money or ability to hire attorney. I spoke with a non profit attorney for 2 hours this past week who advised me to stay because if I tried to divorce now, he will most likely (he would try) get at least joint custody (every other weekend alone!) and then I would really be putting my kids in jeopardy. :-( So here I am less than a month later, with them. With him. Hating every minute of it and doing all in my power to keep my kids safe. It's only been a week since they have been back in our custody. Taking them EVERYWHERE with me, watching like a hawk, etc. is starting to piss my husband off. He doesn't KNOW I called DHS on him, but suspects. Anyway, I don't care at all. I will protect them with everything I have. We start counseling with a very good forensic therapist soon, but she's also VERY expensive and my husband, because he claims he didn't do anything, is going to try to make that end sooner rather than later. This is all so crazy making. I feel crazy, but know I'm not. Here is my question.....my kids LOOOOOVE their father and he is a good father (unless he did the unthinkable and then he's SICK). I have been so hyper aware of all their interactions since my daughter and son said something and would think that something would slip in the way of my kids saying or doing something while watching t.v. next to my husband on the couch or just in conversation. I am starting to question whether anything happened at all. When I go through everything that has been said and the little red flags before that (which I didn't realize were red flags until now) in my head, I know something isn't right, however, because he's so good at being manipulative and because my kids love him so much, it's making me question everything. I guess that isn't a question really, but just hoping someone has some insight. Thanks for reading.......
And you're getting bad advice
When people tell you to do things that go across the grain of being a mom, don't do it.
Because your attorney is right about the joint custody thing but wrong about his advice. Because your husband will also say, her concern couldn't have been that great, she still stayed with me.
And I've had to live with my husband for 6 months knowing what you know and the fear of leaving the kids alone with him... And do you know what he did all that time? Documented all the times I avoided leaving the kids with him and called me a parental alienator.
The problem with the court system is that it's a very male chauvinistic arena. No matter the result, even your own lawyers are going to say "well this happened or that happened Bc you did this or didn't do that".
Your job # 1 is to be mom. Playing the court game is important but it's job #2. You will avoid saying mean things around your children about your husband, but you will be accused of it anyway. You will be telling your kids it's ok to love their dad but you're not allowed to copy any of his bad acts or yours. You will be accused of being an alienator when you're not. You will be accused of being a brainwasher that causes your kids to react to him, but really their reactions to him are his own doing.
I have been through Hell for 3 years. And what I have learned, is to do what a good parent will always do first and be smart with the courts second. The same piece of evidence my attorneys told me not to present - is the same piece of evidence that today they are calling "my shield and my sword". In good conscience, I couldn't withhold that evidence when they were telling me not to present it. It was the truth and my kids needed help. I did what a good parent would do and presented it. It initially did cause me Hell and I was accused of coaching my kid to write what she did...
My point is this - it may take a longer time than you care to even imagine... But the truth always seeks the light. And finally when the light starts shining through, everyone is going to look back upon this very damning trail of evidence they once explained otherwise but now view it with the truth.
Do what is right for your kids first.
Some other facts you should know.
Kids don't just blurt out all the details of abuse in one discussion. The nature by which children disclose is by sending little test balloons up and observing your reaction. They start with little bits and pieces and hints. It's your job to remain calm in front of them and say ok is there anything more you can tell mom? And let them know you always love them. If the kids see you get disturbed, or if they see adverse repercussions for their disclosures, they will stop / recant.
0-2 % of kids lie about this stuff
Domestic violence counselor's recognize abusers better than CPS, court psychologists, etc, so I would establish myself with a domestic violence counselor like yesterday.
Only 1.3% of these accusations made by mothers is maliciously fabricated. Men are 16x more likely to make a malicious fabrication of abuse against a mother.
CPS is a disasterous entity. Negligent professionals may forget to do smth, inept professionals have the potential of making matters worse.
Knowing what I know now, if we were ever able to prosecute our old neighbor, I would definitely call the mother in as an accessory for failing to protect my child. That couple is still married. One of their children has left the country completely. Like I said, don't be that mom.