Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Two weeks ago my almost four year old disclosed to me that a 6-7 year old boy, also a close family friend and neighbor, had repetetively and violently sexually abused him. My son has very detailed memories of the abuse and he reffers to it as "His secret." I should have known something was askew when after moving away (four months ago) he talked about this kid nearly every day. He draws him in pictures, he talks about missing him, he asks if we will visit... I should have known sooner.
I have been absolutely distraught since disclosure and my son has been a mess since talking about it. He has SO much shame and I have so much guilt. I am not sure if anyone will read or respond to this but I am feeling so incredibly isolated and alone and needed to get out a few hurts.
1. We started therapy today and learned that we will have to report the abuse. I have been waiting to talk with the therapist before confronting the mother of the offending child. Well, after working up the courage to speak with her, worrying about her being distraught, worrying about HER and her child, the offending child's mother showed absolutely no remorse. She not once apologized, not even a simple "I'm sorry." She just turned and said how "interesting" it was since her son and three year old daughter were also in therapy for suspected abuse. The rest of the conversation she talked about her issues. I don't know what I expected, but I certainly didn't expect apathy.
2. I feel so isolated. Everywhere I go, it's like I have this weighted secret. Whenever H acts out or throws a shame tantrum, I just want to burst into tears and exclaim to all the judgy onlookers the real reason for his behavior. Today I literally listened to another mom say, "I can't even imagine" when a discussion about a local 3.5 year old being sexually abused came up. I wanted to scream in her face "WELL I F%&$#@ CAN." But instead I just told her with a solemn and telling tone "Honestly, it can happen to anyone."
3. I told one friend here, and she shut me out. She's afraid of my child becoming a predator and wants to protect her own. I feel. so. freaking. alone.
4. I'm reliving my own sexual abuse that occured at same age. This is the ONE thing I begged God to protect my child from. I remember the confusion, the pain, the shame. I remember exactly how my son feels and it is absolutely destroying me.
5. I feel so clueless about how to help my son. Do I talk with him about it? Do I ask him questions? Do we just take it one day at a time? Will he forget? Will he heal? Is he traumatized? Will life ever feel normal again?
First of all, it is simply horrible that you, too, suffered as a child. Please allow that little girl inside to receive my words of comfort.
Second, it is deeply unfair that this should happen to your child, after your prayers that he would not suffer as you did.
Third.....Dear Offender's Mom (not you, Thisquietdust): your children are in therapy (if they really are) for suspected sexual abuse because someone YOU know is abusing them!! What to do with your denial, Offender's Mom? Show apathy toward the anguished mother your child abused.
Second, it sounds as if, now that you've unpacked, your main priority is to get a therapist -- for yourself. A sense of isolation is almost guaranteed in our position: whom do we tell? You've already met with an awful response from someone who, to be charitable, needs to be educated, shall we say, in the likely behaviors of a child who has been traumatized (and the UN-likelihood that he will abuse another child). A therapist will support and guide your OWN "disclosure" (of how you are feeling since your son's disclosure, and possibly since your own abuse). She may also help you think about how and with whom to share this awful news. (See the post, "Why you need a therapist of your own"). Please look for a therapist who specializes in EMDR (google it for a full explanation).
As for asking your son to talk, follow the advice of his therapist. She may sense where he is ready to open up, and where he is still too delicate/injured to talk.
Did you ever disclose your abuse? How long afterward? Did you receive treatment as a young child? Did you "bounce back," or were your symptoms similar to your son's? The answers to these questions may shape your thinking about what has happened to your son, and may help you see how your son's current situation is similar to/different from your own.
Your son is MUCH too young to process this, but later on -- although ONLY after getting approval from his and your therapists -- it may be helpful to share with him that you were also abused. He can see what a strong woman you have become, and be inspired.
I also asked God to protect my daughter from this one thing and barely two years past bam... It was like the biggest smack in the face. It also was me feeling like a complete failure.
My daughter soon after disclosure stopped talking about it all together I believe she has mostly repressed it. Nothing I say or do can get her to open up. I feel at some point maybe soon getting more therapy.
It is a day to day thing. I did after disclosure be very careful with playdates and her older siblings. She had lots of behaviors when playing barbies putting them in sexual positions I was so worried about it but with therapy those also went away.
It is frustrating the mom took no precautions to ensure her child was not acting out on another child is maddening. I was am super careful and if my daughter is with someone else I made sure that they knew to keep a close eye. I didn't tell everyone because I didn't want her treated differently but if they didn't know I again was very vigilant in watching.
Naive- I did disclose, but not until I was 15 and my family didn't believe me until my younger brother also came forward. I sought some therapy. but definitely haven't worked through it enough. I had a really unsuportive and dysfunctional family growing up and also witnessed domestic abuse my entire childhood, so it's hard to say which trauma caused what behavior but I definitely didn't "bounce back" and I still suffer from symptoms of PTSD.. I really don't want that for him.
I feel like there is an extremely underwhelming amount of information/support for parents of sexually abused children. I did find one website, which brought me here, but other than that I feel like there could be so, very much more.
I am so sorry to hear about the many emotional challenges you faced as a child. If therapy is too expensive, could you talk with a religious leader in your community? Many will provide counseling on a sliding scale. It's possible your fees might be waived given your other obligations. In the meantime, keep writing -- here or in a private journal. Let it out, see how your truth sounds. Reread what you have written and see if it leads to other thoughts.
Thinking of you.