Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My 3.5 year old daughter made a disclosure of sexual abuse two weeks ago. It's been reported to law enforcement and CPS. She, understandably and not surprisingly didn't make a disclosure during the forensic interview (as most young children don't). The perpetrator was a young adult woman that lived in our home that we helped to provide support to, as she has a developmental disability. We were promised that this person had no concerning history at all. This person lived in our home for over three years and we provided close supervision, and it still happened. I would go downstairs to switch clothes from the washing machine to the dryer, and when I would be doing dishes and cleaning my back would be turned to them. I'm a social worker and my daughter was literally sexually abused possibly while I was in the same room as her and I didn't know. I feel like a terrible mother. I feel like I don't deserve to be the mother of my daughter. She does not deserve for anything like this to happen to her. She is so sweet, so innocent.
I've only told a few close people what has happened. I also told my daughter's preschool. One of the preschool teachers has a teenage daughter who is the only person besides my MIL who we have allowed to babysit. I am concerned that this teenager will no longer be able to come to our home because of what happened in our home. I'm concerned that my friends will no longer feel comfortable allowing me to care for their children when they go to appointments, etc. (if the roles were reversed, I'm not sure I would).
I come from a family with so much generational trauma and abuse, I've worked so friggin hard to break cycles. I've done years of counseling and been so intentional. I feel like I have failed my daughter and cycles are continuing. I've worked so hard to build a safe home and happy place for my family, and in a lot of ways that safety has been shattered.
I am so sad and so angry. I feel like whenever my daughter has any kind of challenging behavior these days, I assume it is her being disregulated due to the abuse/trauma she experienced. It's hard not knowing if it is typical behavior of a three year old or a trauma response. I find myself getting so angry and sad (not with her) when she is struggling because it is a reminder of what should have NEVER happened to her.
I am so very sorry that this has happened to your family. Congratulations to your brave little girl for letting you know. And equally as important, congratulations to you for believing her. That puts her on an immeasurably sturdier path toward healing.
Your message reminds me so much of my own daughter's situation 24 years ago that you could have copy-pasted my earliest posts when I found this forum eight years ago. I felt the same overwhelming disbelief that my daughter was abused (by an adult neighbor) while I was at home making a delicious dinner for her while she "played," and the same conviction that I was somehow to blame for not being able to see through walls to know what was happening. I also felt like a failure as a parent, one who had failed not only a basic competency test, but who failed at my main purpose in life. I felt utterly wrecked and worthless. And tainted.
I sought counseling after I learned about my daughter's abuse. I suggest you do the same, because you need someone who will listen and ask guiding questions. Look for someone who has researched child sexual abuse and who knows just how incredibly common it is, how it happens to children with excellent, loving, attentive moms. You have hard work ahead of you, to begin to understand how this was truly not your fault at all, and to process the rage that is likely welling up inside of you. This requires more focused support than friendship is able to sustain. Your friends love you, but likely have no idea of how this particular kind of tragic loss feels. Look for someone who is certified in EMDR therapy. It will help your brain process your trauma much faster than will talk therapy alone.
If you are yet to find a child trauma therapist, make that happen, too,
And write. Get it all out -- at least, as much as you need to on any given day or hour of the morning. While therapy has helped me, this forum has put me in direct touch with fellow travelers who struggle with the same self-doubt, shock, rage, sadness and worries. In real life, support groups like this are very rare. By writing, you have automatically enlisted the support of busloads of people who already understand, have felt, and have struggled with the same emotions you've expressed. It's the anonymity that helps us feel safe enough to express them, when our boundaries have already been egregiously violated. It's anonymity that helps us reach back to others, which you may soon be doing yourself. I have often referred to this group as "the best friends I never met."
Are they offering services such as trauma counseling for your and your daughter at the place where she gave her interview? As long as this is reported, even if it's never charged, you should be eligible for victim services. And it's likely that if she does some kind of play therapy, she will tell more and then there will be more evidence they could use for a case against her abuser.
mosac.net is a really good resource for you--it stands for mothers of sexually abused children. I'm sure it has info for parents who are carrying their own history of sexual trauma too. That is a big piece to recognize and deal with.
Hopefully with this being caught while your child is young, it will spare her some of the trauma of keeping it but not knowing where her trauma came from, or of feeling she has to hide it. That is significant. It doesn't make your life any easier right now but it does show that your support now will make a real difference for her. ((HUGS))
Heartsad's post reminded me -- I've been on an antidepressant for years. I first started taking it around the time my daughter was abused. I don't know if it was in reaction to her behavioral changes and tears, but I don't know how I'd have gotten this far without it.
Prayer played no direct role in my getting through the post-disclosure years because I mysteriously lost contact with God at around the same time my daughter was first abused. Now, I believe He did what I would have prayed He would do: helped my daughter survive.
However, because of my daughter's subsequent addiction (this is unlikely to happen to your daughter because she disclosed almost right away), I attended lots of Al-Anon meetings. I would suggest that you consider doing so as well. The only "qualification" for attending is that you have someone in your life who has a problem with alcohol. With your family history of trauma and abuse, I bet there's someone in your past or present who you can identify as a "qualifier." At Al-Anon, I first told my story in public -- not about my daughter's addiction, but about her sexual abuse. It was the reason for her addiction. I found myself surrounded by full and loving support. For that reason, and for the first time, I could kind of relax and begin to trust that I would get through this. You can do the same thing -- or say nothing at all, but just know you will not be the only one in the room who has a connection to sexual abuse.
I am doing so much better than I was two months ago when I first found out. It honestly felt as though my world completely crashed around me. We have gotten to a point, with lots of counseling, where the volcanic ash feels like it has settled more or less.
I really value counseling and have been going 1-2x per week, and my daughter has been going 1x per week. I have to admit, with the holidays neither of us had our weekly appointments and it was actually so nice to just take that time and spend time outside together doing fun things outside. I've also notice that more time goes by where I don't think about the abuse, which is so freeing. For instance, sometimes I will notice that a morning goes by and it won't pop in my head what occurred until an afternoon. It feels like it has less control over our lives now which feels liberating.
I have to remind myself, as devastating as this is--we are doing everything as her parents that we should be (I think/hope). This was not my experience as a child. This will hopefully make a difference on her healing journey. I have to continually remind myself that mom's/parents don't have super powers. That it isn't fair of me to think 'I should have known.' I've been trying to be mindful about teaching my daughter about realistic expectations of parenting. For instance, I don't want her growing up assuming that parents have superpowers because I don't want her to think that she failed in anyway when she becomes a parent (if she chooses someday) if she doesn't have superpowers in a particular situation. I don't want to teach her that I have eyes on the back of my head and that I see everything...because this doesn't seem fair to anyone for anyone to have this expectation because it just isn't true.