Congrats on your well deserved rest.I have to say I have always been curious as to why men do this,especially with their bio kids.Arent we all disgusted whenever someone mentions cousins marrying? It's been a joke for years.But I believe you must do what you feel is best,my opinion?And this is only me,cut him out or your daughter could see it as not supporting her.Help?I don't believe theses men can be rehabilitated,but again just my opinion.But I am sure your heart tells you different,he should be alone maybe then he will realize what he has done.Im sorry if it seems like I am harsh,I'm not,I believe in forgiveness for everyone but this crime has shaken my faith to the core,my daughter has lost her faith completely and I have told God that I can not forgive my daughter's perp.i wish him no harm and I also try to talk my husband out of beating him to a pulp when he turns 18 in 10months.But whatever you decide we will hopefully help you and see what you don't.Please be careful,don't get pulled in to his decitfulness.

I agree with most of what Hopefulmama said above except, seeing as how he is honestly sorry, sharing his struggles, working with you carefully to give you what you need to keep the household running, etc., I wouldn't totally write him off. (You don't have to stop loving him...but apply it differently. Do what is best for all of you, not sacrificially only for him.) BUT... I would pass on his need to connect to SOMEONE ELSE besides you! There are numerous organizations who's purpose is to reach out to those imprisoned. Maybe your pastor knows of some local ones? I agree that he needs to have some sort of support and I get why you care about his future, as twisted as it may feel/sound.

If I remember correctly, a while back we had discussed how your husband tended to be a narcissistic manipulator?! So be careful...don't get
too sucked back in to his emotional games! Be wise! Put yours and your daughter's needs 1st.

My 2 cents.

I so appreciate both of your honest opinions. I like hearing opinions from other people who are going through this. People who have not been in our shoes mean well. But they just don't have the same perspective. So thank you again for sharing your opinions they mean a lot and I will take all of them into consideration.

I am feeling your pain. I sit here in my living room with the man who molested both our daughters... There has been no legal intervention, no courts, no jail. My daughters are both grown and the younger one has just over one year left to press charges. I can' imagine her ever doing so... But where do I go from here. How do we flip from loving to something else? I am still working through my own dark woods, climbing my own high walls, and braving this storm on my own. I have a supportive counselor and a circle of friends who will support me in whatever I path I need to travel. I have no financial support outside of my husband and find myself carrying mental and emotional baggage that is not mine to carry. It is hard to tell genuine change from manipulation, or even from good intentions. I've been told "you are stronger than you think" but sometimes I find myself doubting. Momtea5, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Stopitnow.org. I believe Google it it is help for the offenders as well as survivors. There is a number he could call. If he is in prison maybe there is a celebrate recovery in there that he could get support and help. Please you do not have the help that he really needs. In fact your trying to help could delay him getting real help.

If you struggle with boundaries and codependency seek help for yourself. You can be nice, you can accept his apology, you can communicate important information and you can nicely suggest he keep searching for a safe man to connect with and you will be praying for him. Honestly if you can do half that wow you are amazing.

I will also say one more thing about "helping" your betrayer ... It will keep you from healing ... from feeling the anger that will come if it hasn't and all the ugly realities and losses, grieving etc you been dealt a huge blow and it will take time for that to sink in and heal. That's energy you need for you. Not to mention your children.

Heartsadx3 thank you. Your words about helping "him" might keep me from healing myself really resonated with me. I had not thought about that. Thank you for giving me that perspective.

Thismomtoseven. I am so sorry that you are going through this as well. I can not even imagine being in your shoes. As hard as my situation is, I am lucky in a lot of ways. My husband was arrested the night my daughter disclosed and has been there ever since. He is not denying anything and is taking full responsibility. He is doinging everything in his power to ensure she does not have to testify. I am sad, and lonely and angry at him for what he has done. But at least I do not have to wrestle with the things you are. I am always here if you need to chat or vent.

Momtea5, I actually think your ambivalence may be useful at the moment. As long as you can maintain a semblance of concern for the man who sexually abused your daughters, he can be persuaded to speak with you, and eventually to give you all the info (passwords, etc.) you need to break free. When you have gathered all you need to do so, you may find it possible to view him differently. Milk it for now, while you can still conjure up some empathy.

I must note that my daughter's perpetrator was an unrelated neighbor, so I never had any conflicting feelings about him. I would gladly run him through with a sword (note to self: Google "sword shops near me"). Your story is much different -- so many heartstrings to untangle.

I am glad you found time for rest and redirection. You need that, too.

So I went to visit him today. I felt the need to let him know that although I can not be his wife anymore and that I am not even sure what our relationship (if there is one) will look like moving forward, that I am praying for him and to not give up trying to get better. Well I learned a lot from this visit. All he did the entire time was talk about how he is not getting any help in there and how he is getting the shaft and how all the prisoners are to them are dollar signs and that they don't care about getting the people inside the jail help. He went on and on. He was so narcissistic and manipulative. Even to the point of saying that it was not right that my daughter can't face him and tell her how she feels about him. We have a. Year protective order for her. He even had the audacity to say he has thought about calling her on the phone to apologize to her. WTF. (Excuse my language :) He also was so sad and upset that he has not been able to talk to her in over 50 days. It was the saddest most messed up conversation I have ever had with him. I am so glad I went though. I have never been more clear on what I need to do to move on. But now I have some fear of if I move on that he will grow more angry and mentally unstable. And that when he gets out he will come after me for abandoning him. This whole thing SUCKS! I am so angry at him and myself for allowing me to be manipulated by him for the last 20 years. I will play the game for as long as i need to to get information I need and to ensure mine and my daughters safety moving forward. However, I now know that without serious.... and I mean serious mental and spiritual help he may be lost forever. -Although I am feeling full of knowledge right now. I am still so full of sadness and grief over the loss of what I thought my life was.

Boy, do I hear that last sentence, but from a different angle. I thought my daughter had had a charmed childhood. I could not have worked any harder to make it "perfect." All that effort was nothing compared to the evil she faced.

The truth can be so deeply disillusioning. But it is always enlightening. Seeing what you did yesterday has given you what you need to make your new way forward.

HUGS!!! Yes, it sucks. Yes, it gets better.

Momtea5, I am so glad you went through with this visit and have gotten what you need to make a decision. It's so hard when the abuser is a loved one. We feel hatred and love at once and it can be very confusing. I have gotten to a place where I don't feel angry all the time, but for me, I will never feel the same towards my step-son. One of the absolute hardest things for me was to learn to stop focusing on the "what ifs" of the future. It caused so much anxiety and was out of my control anyway. I have been able to find more peace with just focusing on the present and truly living. Good luck and I wish you the best!