Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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DevastatedMother
DevastatedMother
In Dec. 2011 we found out that my then 12 year old step son had been molesting my boys, then 5 and 7. My 7 year old is autistic and was non verbal at that time. It was reported, charges were filed in regards to what happened to my 5 year old, because CPS said my 7 year old couldn't talk so no charges would be filed in his case. Counseling was ordered, and stepson had a year of non formal probation. (I believe it was so little due to his step father being a sheriff). It was Nov. 2013 before I allowed the stepson around my kids, and only agreed to it because I was convinced by the counselors and my husband. Strict rules where put into place, and he was not allowed to stay overnight. There were still constant arguments between me and my husband because little by little those strict rules stopped being enforced. So here we are now and me and my husband have filed for divorce. He moved out the end of February, and gained custody of the stepson in April because of all things, the bio mom moved a registered sex offender into her home!!! So now I have to deal with allowing my boys to go over there to a 2 bedroom apartment and be around the kid who molested them the entire time they are there. However since stepson did his probation and counseling, all charges got wiped off his record so I legally can not stop this.

I'm trying my hardest to be civil, but last night the step son was asked to step in and coach my youngests baseball game. I did not allow it, and had to deal with my ex Mother in law talking about how she wanted to punch me for not letting things be. I have my youngest in counseling, (oldest boy is still mostly non-verbal) where he has expressed that he doesn't want to be alone with stepson, and he doesn't always feel comfortable around him. My husband believes that I'm making a big deal out of nothing and that I'm brainwashing the kids. I don't have a lawyer for our divorce because we agreed to everything, but now I'm wondering if I shouldn't fight this. I don't think my kids should go somewhere they feel uncomfortable and my husband never took any of this as serious as he should have. When I told him that step son should never be in a position of authority over any kids (ex. Coaching), he said I was being unreasonable. Should I be letting this go?
bonnieboo11
bonnieboo11
Welcome but sorry you have to be here.We have another member here in a similar situation, kinda, she suspects her husband of abusing the kids and has had to stay with him so she could be with the kids 24/7, she knows if they divorced he would be granted visitation. There is a protocol of sorts for reunification, was it followed? My advice, get a new therapist and let him/her know your child is anxious about being alone with the offending boy.It may be enough to halt the visitation for now.It's not a lie,your child has expressed concerns for his safety.Fight,fight,fight.2011? so your sons are 10 and 12? Maybe buy a prepaid cell phone and have them call you every hour or so.Give them a whistle in case they feel threatened,make it hard for your ex to turn a blind eye. Call CPS and see if they can help, tell them your boys are scared, document with some agency so you have a paper trail. It is so sad isn't it? Everyone has sympathy for the offender and not the victims. My mother in law also thinks I am making a big deal out of things, she is also getting her grandson, my nephew the best lawyer money can buy.So you have no formal court order for visitation? If not file for full custody, so who has custody? Do you HAVE to let them go? You asked "Should I be letting this go?" NEVER!!!!!You also have to look at the level of abuse,was it a one time thing out of curiosity? Multiple times? I don't condone any abuse ever but the authorities look at it differently. Fight for your children, you will be glad, even if everyone thinks you are psycho mom!!!
Naive1
Naive1
People hate to be proven wrong. If they love an abuser, they'll sooner love him better for being "misunderstood" than accept that they have been duped. Suddenly the accusers are the problem. That's why it took FIFTY women to get Bill Cosby tried for a single rape.

I like bonnieboo11's ideas very much. DO NOT give up. My heart goes out to both of your sons, and especially to your son with autism. There's no reason they could not -- five year ago -- have found a different way (drawing, for instance) for him to demonstrate what had happened to him. Children with disabilities are among the highest-risk groups for being abused.

Come here as often as necessary. This is Vent Central. Hugs to you!!
Naive1
Naive1
*years
heartsadx3
heartsadx3
I would seek legal counsel immediately to see what your options are. Your child is old enough that perhaps him simply telling the judge he doesn't want visitation with the stepson present would be considered. I don't believe in reunification anymore. As a victim myself I always felt uncomfortable around the perp (my stepdad) who them offended on my daughter after the same dynamic happened started off with strict rules but five years down the road rules were relaxed and nobody but me was concerned. You did the right thing recognizing that and standing up. I wish I had. Unfortunately now it seems you are in another difficult spot. Keep standing up I am so proud of you!!!
notalone00
notalone00
Going to try and keep this short...ish.

First off, his record is only 'clean' if he keeps his nose clean...
If he commits anything sexual again, they very well could theow the book at him...
Or if he stays clean during his teen years, but as an adult... It's only 'clean' for jobs and other stupid things... But again, catch a new charge?? He's going off for a while...
notalone00
notalone00
Sorry, my advice isn't very supportive... Wish I could delete it..
I'm so sorry...
Naive1
Naive1
Notalone00, your advice is realistic. That IS support. We all know that false hopes are worthless when it comes to this crime. It's a shame this isn't addressed consistently the first time, and too often there ARE next times. I think that's why DevastatedMother found herself here, to test whether her sense of alarm was over the top. It isn't.
96Percent
96Percent
Yay. Child molester basketball coach. What could go wrong there? Sandusky? Ken Starr? And many others...
But you should be punched due to your strong moral character and bells and whistles screaming, "doesn't anyone else see the problems here?!?!?"

Who knows... Getting court to order perpetrator not allowed around victims may not be as difficult as you suspect, and then again it may be a disaster. It's a stepbrother. It's not like youre requesting the family be disenjoined. And the kid is 17 almost an adult. It would even seem fitting to request a "temporary order" until your kids can receive counseling to feel more comfortable. Perhaps once the temporary order is exhausted the kid will be out of the house???

I would not hesitate or question or frankly even hesitate expending money looking into this. Not for a second. If all else falls down around you while spending $ to protect your children... Oh well. It's a small price for being able to sleep at night.
rmbadger
rmbadger
You are in the right frame of mind. Reunification is one thing if everyone is on board and protecting the victims and if the victims want reunification. The fact that your ex isn't worried is insane. I don't get this at all because the other two victim children are also his, so why protect the perp and not victims? My stepson also abused my daughter so I know the pressure and strain it puts on a marriage and extended family. Yes he was young, blah blah blah, but he still chose his actions and should have to suffer the consequences even if he couldn't see what those might be. I agree with 96, if your son doesn't want to go, he is old enough to say so to the judge.
DevastatedMother
DevastatedMother
Thanks so much for all the support and replies. I have now officially hired a lawyer. Unfortunately after weeks of saying he feels uncomfortable around stepson, my youngest has changed his story. He says he only said that to make me happy and to get attention. This of course came after a weekend of staying with dad. His counselor, my lawyer, and myself all believe he is scared of telling his dad the truth because my ex already told him he would not be able to see him anymore if he refuses to be around stepson. Pathetic! We have our provisional hearing July 15th, to award me custody and we will see how counseling goes in the meantime. His counselor is going to back off talking about that subject and focus on the anger issues so we aren't pushing anything. I'm just sick over this. Ex thinks he has "won" and doesn't see the damage he is causing.

I'm also going after spousal support and any other penny I can get from him. I'm done playing nice.
tammirrockstar
tammirrockstar
I feel for you and my heart goes out to you. I am in a similar but different situation. My oldest son was abused by his biological father when he was 2 to 3 years old. My son is now 16 and I have had to fight to go against the courts and probation office for allowing my son back into our home because of his sisters. They are victims and the reunification was tried 2 times without a success but they "feel confident he is better now"....and "if anything else happens he will go to jail" are you kidding me I said....like we should take that chance with our other children. I love my son and know that he is safe and getting the help he needs and having to take responsibility in his actions. But I am not ready to play Russian roulette with our daughters lives. I do not think that you should have to put your sons through that either. Stay strong and go with what you feel you need to. And as far as your ex or his family passing judgement to you, they have no idea what you have to deal with on a daily basis with your sons and their recovery from the abuse. Don't let them bother you because you are being a good mother.
DevastatedMother
DevastatedMother
Friday we had court and it was pretty much a disaster. More or less it was continued due to lack of time. He is arguing that all of sons have been in counseling and have gotten past all this and I'm just dragging it all back up. While my youngest is still saying he wants to be around his step brother, hes also still saying that he's not comfortable being alone with him. I see that as a red flag!!! However proving that in court will prove to be impossible because my son will not admit that to anyone he thinks might tell his dad.

I'm also having to fight that I cannot possibly hold a full time job while caring for our autistic child. My ex makes $60,000/year and actually argued that he shouldn't pay support on him because he gets SSSI. The argument won't hold up but it's the point that bothers me. I'm sick over how he is behaving. He's also asking for more time with the kids now that he knows it could lower his support. In fact he choose when he wanted the boys and it's changed a few times due to him asking!!! He even choose the day before court to introduce the kids his new girlfriend!!

I'm torn between doing what I know is right or doing what I need to survive. I can't pay my bills and he's reduced his support by half until there is a court order. I know he's trying to break me, financially and emotionally, but I can't help but feel like I can't stop it.
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