Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I'm new here....My now 14 year old daughter was sexually assaulted by my now 5 year old son's father 2 years ago. I was in a serious relationship with him for 6 years. I knew when I got with him he had a meth addiction but I thought he had it under control and was sober. I found out later that he was using throughout the relationship just like I thought he was but he would accuse me of being paranoid or looking for a fight. He himself was sexually assaulted by family when he was a child. His mother has nothing to do with him and his father was in jail most of his life so he was raised by his grandmother. But he was a good father to my son, it's his only son. So the day it happened, I came home for lunch and he was there and acting very "high". We even argued about it. But I left and went back to work. My daughter was in her room asleep (b/c it was summertime) & her bio dad was picking her up in 2 hours. I wish with all my might I wouldn't have left that day. Literally 20 mins before her dad showed up the incident happened. We reported it to the police and my daughter gave a recorded statement with DFACS. He was arrested the next day and put in jail. They are charging him with rape along with sexually assault of a minor 12 years old or younger. The DA said that he can be charged with rape just from the physical touching of his penis to her skin. Thank GOD he did not penetrate her. I feel like he wouldn't have done this if he had not been on drugs. He says he doesn't remember anything at all and that he definitely did not touch her. I know for a fact my daughter is not capable of lying about this and doing the interview, etc. But I do know him and have all my life...I really feel like it wasn't "him" that day - however, I know that is not an excuse in any way. I'm not saying that at all. But just not the loving dad and good hearted person I know when he's sober. So here we are 2 years later and still yet to go to court. He was bailed out but had some other charges that caught up to him and he has been in jail for those charges for 15 months. Now he is out again. He wants to see his son. Now at the time, my son was 3 and he was also there that day. I do not believe he has ever inappropriately touched my son; however, everything I believed has come into question. He's very manipulative and plays on my love for him and my good heart and my sadness for my son losing his father. Everytime I tell someone I still love him they look at me in disguist. I get that, and I don't have an explanation but he's my son's father and we were in a relationship for 6 years and then that day everything stopped. But I still care about him & feel for him about wanting to see his son and spend some time with him....especially if he's gonna go to jail for what he did to my daughter. My daughter adores her little brother and he looks up to her and just loves her to death. He has no idea what has happened....well he has said some off the wall things that make me believe he saw something or remembers something...but he doesn't know where Daddy is. He watches these shows, like Bluey, with Mom and Dad and then it's like it's a switch in his brain and wants to know where his Daddy is. Not all the time, but it's just out of the blue sometimes. He says he misses his dad. I don't know what to do. Do i let him see or talk to his son? I know people will look at me like a bad mom. I would never ever let him near my daughter ever again, so that's not the issue. I would definitely make sure I would be there and it would be away from my home with my daughter. But I don't know what's right for my son....not his dad....but him. It breaks my heart for his Dad not getting to enjoy his childhood like he wanted to but that's not my fault, it's his. But what about my son? He didn't ask for this & he doesn't understand what's going on. Some people have told me that he will resent me for letting him see him and others have told me he will resent me if I don't. Of course the 1st thing anyone tells me that hasn't been through anything like this (and I live in a very small town that has no real support for this type of situation) is just cut him off and don't talk to him....but for 6 years he was apart of our lives and he's my son's father too. We made a lot of memories with my daughter too and I have pictures with him and different things like that. It's weird b/c I feel like I can't even say his name when we talk about memories of this or that. Can't look at pictures from my son's infant years b/c he's in all of them. What do I do about that? What's the right thing to do by everyone involved??? Please I'll take any advice! Please tell me somebody can relate to my situation and how I'm feeling.
I'm a woman, a little bit older than you. I came here to find some help for a friend whose daughter was SAd by her stepfather. I don't have experience with child sexual abuse, thankfully. But maybe that's what you need. I saw your message and I felt compelled to answer, although I fear it's too late.
I wanted to congratulate you on contacting the police. My friend is in a similar situation to you right now and the police told her most mothers don't call. You did and while I know you're a mess of nerves right now, I want you to acknowledge that you did the right thing and that step you took is going to keep your daughter safe. That is the most important investment you've made in your daughter's wellbeing and it's been hell on you.
It's very easy to see that you're having really complicated feelings right now. You want to protect your daughter and you're still in love with the man who touched her. This is normal, although you've already seen how people react to a person discussing their feelings. You are holding 2 conflicting beliefs in your head- I love Tom. Tom molested my daughter. You're probably feeling and acting a bit crazy right now because holding these conflicting beliefs has undoubtedly left you feeling disregulated. It is normal to have these feelings, but save them for a person you know will support you. If you don't have that person, get therapy. My friend's situation mirrors yours pretty much and she was eligible for free therapy. There are hoops to jump through, but jumping through those hoops is necessary and will help you be proud of yourself.
After you're able to think a little more clearly, you need to sit down and make an outline of what you want and how you're going to get it. It sounds like you want to be heard, but it's important to remember that this man molested your daughter and he can no longer provide you with the comfort he once did. You're allowed to love him, you're not allowed to rely on him for the emotional needs he once met. Write out what you want your daughter to be like at 25 and what you want to be like in 10 years and then write out the steps necessary to make them come true. This is the fastest, most efficient way to figure out how to straighten up your life. Don't be overwhelmed. Getting your life sorted out is not a big job. It's a lot of small jobs. Make To Do lists.
As you figure out your path, it's important to remember to take the time to mourn your relationship. I know your brain is trying to work out a way to make everything work out, but there's no compromise in this situation, Love. He molested your daughter and he must go. If you find yourself daydreaming of him, redirect your thoughts. Engaging in What If fantasies will only keep you trapped in a situation where control over your life is handed over to this man. You have to take the control from him. You don't have to know how or what you're going to do once you have control. You just need to make sure he can't hurt you or your family again.
I sincerely hope you get this, because your words really touched me. If they do, remember that when your life is in chaos, a To Do list is your best friend. I once had my entire world crumble around me, emotionally and financially and the first thing I did was buy a big old desk calendar for my desk and I just started making to do lists. I walked out of a situation almost guaranteed to leave me homeless and alone and I did better than I ever thought I could because I didn't allow myself to worry, I kept a running To Do list, and after I completed the tasks necessary, which weren't at all as labor-intensive as I thought it was before writing it out. I wound up better off than before I started doing this and I hope you can too.