I have broken my story up into "chapters" so you can read the parts you feel comfortable with.  *triggers* is notated.

MY HISTORY:

Once upon a time, I was a very naive, homeschooled, planned-to-be-a-virgin-until-marriage, Christian, straight A, broken young teenage girl.  I had never dated, only "kissed" a handful of guys in stupid spin-the-bottle games.  I barely understood the basics of what sex was and totally thought that babies could only happen if you were married.  I had been the scapegoat of my family for way too long and dealt with ongoing emotional/mental/sometimes physical abuse from all of them (yes, siblings too) even though my parents were now divorced.  I had been praying for God to send a man into my life because at 16, I thought I was ready for a relationship! LOL!  I also was a non-diagnosed anorexic with the lowest self esteem you could imagine...totally could not see the beautiful girl in the mirror buy only some "fat", ugly blob (since, after all, that WAS what I had been called for forever by my family...fyi, I wasn't!  I was a sleek, graceful, beautiful, muscular (6 pack & all) athlete with perfect complexion!)  

HIS HISTORY:

He was a latchkey, product of divorce who had raised himself since he was 7, now 17.  He came from a very popular city and had been in with the wrong crowd, the cool kids.  Drugs were a normal part of his life...he even dealt for some side cash.   (No, he's never been convicted & once he entered my life, drugs were his past.) He was a technical virgin but had experimented with a bit of other stuff.  Rebel was his middle name and he had been given his last chance to tow the line at mom's house or go live down South with his sister, his last option before the streets.  He smoked.  He was a skate-boarder.  He drove his own car.  He had a LOT of justified anger towards his dad.  But he was smart...so he moved South.

LOVE AT 1ST SIGHT:

We met at church.  I will never forget the day I walked in and saw this adorable, tall, handsome guy who'd never been there before!  I asked around to figure out who he was and,low and behold, he was the younger brother of our overweight, rude, didn't-like-me lead singer on the music team!  She & my mom hated each other; dueling musicians.  I decided he wasn't worth the difficulty.  BUT, he noticed me too!  However, his best friend warned him that our family was "crazy & to stay away."  After months of awkward, secret conversations without others around...abrubtly stopping when people came around to be confusingly replaced by him ignoring me...somehow he had talked to my mom.  Later I learned that my mom had convinced him to ask me on a date because she "saw what low self esteem I had and thought it would be good for me!"  He joined some circles I ran in to get to know me better, and help my mom with carpooling my siblings & I, and made a couple romantic gestures to let me know he was interested.  I still didn't believe it.

OUR 1ST DATE:

He called me.  A BOY CALLED ME?!  And he asked me to go to a movie with some friends & youth group leaders.  He clarified that "this was a date."  My mom said "yes?!"  I said "o.k."  We had a great, respectful 1st date!  He wouldn't even hold my hand unless I gestured for him to.  That's ALL that happened.  We officially liked each other, publically!

OUR RESPECTFUL RELATIONSHIP:

It was amazing!  He was my knight in shining armor.  He called me "beautiful" at LEAST 10 times a day, either in person or on the phone...to which I'd respond, "stop lying, no I'm not" every time.  He was SO patient.  We went to church & youth group together.  Otherwise most of our dates were around other people or hanging out at either of our houses babysitting his nephews/my siblings.  He was GREAT with kids!  He watched his language around me...which is big because even "fart" or "shut up" were considered "bad" words to me at that time.  He payed for all our outings.  He was gentle.  He was kind.  He wrote me poems and love notes just because.  He wouldn't do anything physical without my permission...i.e. hold hands, hug me, kiss me.  The most sexual act we had done was slap each other's butts through clothes & I had put his hand on my clothed breast to which He immediately removed it and reminded me that was wrong. I was falling in love with this young man who was my calm in my life storm.  He was the one person in my life that I began to be vulnerable with and trust.  He didn't hurt me...maybe THIS was how I was supposed to be treated?

THAT ONE NIGHT (both our perspectives combined) *triggers*:

It started like any other night.  It was my senior banquet.  I was 17, he was 18.  My mom had gone out and bought me two new outfits that day!  I wore one of them.  He dressed up nicely!  He picked me up in his car to head to the banquet dinner with all my homeschooled senior friends and chaperones.  We went to a very expensive place.  It was beautiful!  Everyone looked so elegant and I was actually under dressed comparatively.  The meal was delicious.  Then, there was a surprise: a stretch limo ride!  (For those who's parents had payed for it...I was one of those.)  He couldn't go, only the actual student seniors.  I had a couple of my friends going; some were guys that I'd taken classes with.  They were cute but I definately wasn't into them!  I was the only girl going solo; everyone else had a partner, except 1 non-social boy.  This was when cell phones had just come out so the plan was he'd follow us in his car and I'd call on my friend's cell phone if I didn't see him.   We didn't know where the limo was going.

It was time to go...we drove, he drove following us, my friends tried to cheer me up to enjoy my 1st limo ride but ALL I could think about was how I wished I had been in HIS car instead of alone watching my friends flirt and have fun.  I didn't fit.  I was sad.  Silly, but that's how attached I had become to him.  It didn't help that they kept making fun of me and saying that I should hang out with the non-social guy and that, jestingly, HE was my boyfriend!  We stopped for 15-20 minutes at a time, taking in various scenery.  He'd always pull up right as we were pulling out to leave, so we never connected.  He took this personally, thinking that I would rather spend time with "those" guys, which wasn't true as I had no control over the limo.  After a couple tries, and a couple phone calls to him from a borrowed cell phone, he got lost, gave up and went to his friend's beach bonfire where he consumed 1 beer.  My friend wouldn't let me use their phone anymore.  I felt abandoned, hurt and sad.  When I got back to the restaurant, he wasn't there yet.  I anxiously waited, excited to finally be able to see him again!  Most everyone had gone home by the time he came back.  He was upset and the mood was so thick that I defensively became quiet for a bit.  I got in his car and we drove in silence until I rallied with generic questions trying to get a feel for WHY he was SO upset.  Finally, he broke his one word answer run and spew his irritation at me.  He shared he felt led on and that I didn't want him to be there, that I'd rather have hung out with my other friends than him, etc.  I confirmed how much I had missed him then AND now, gently smoothed over the situation, even though I felt I had done nothing wrong and just begged him to let my senior celebration end on a good note!  We were finally laughing together by the time we pulled up to my house.  My mom and her guy "friend" were still up waiting for us.  It was late...like 10 p.m.  we were admonished for being late, we apologized.  My mom asked him to go home but I requested we have a few minutes without her...her friend left, she went to bed.  (This was not normal but she trusted us and at that moment, I trusted us!)  A few minutes turned into an hour...of talk mostly.  Then I had this silly idea!  I wanted to show him my other new outfit!

I naively went behind the sofa and changed into the outfit, being careful to NEVER show him any unclothed part of my body.  He thought I was teasing.  When I came out to show him, at 1st we just banterred back and forth about my clothes and then, all of a sudden, he grabbed me, pulled me to him and I was sitting on his lap, he was passionately French kissing me, and this foreign, panicky, sensuality froze me!  His hand quickly thrust up my skirt between my legs, he pulled my underwear to the side and thrust his fingers into my vagina, over and over and over again!  I still let him kiss me but stopped kissing back.  I was confused!  Honestly, I didn't even know fingers could go IN crotches!  I was shocked but more so when a minute or so later, he unzipped his pants while continuing to kiss me, and pulled out his erect penis, my 1st exposure to man parts Ever!  He grabbed my hand and clasped it around his penis, to which I pulled my hand away.  He remembers this.  He grabbed it again, firmly directing me to grab his penis with my hand, so I gave up and just left my hand there...doing nothing.  I sat there like a large doll, frozen in place.  My emotions were SO confused because this was the boy who had NEVER made a move without asking for my permission and I didn't understand WHY tonight had been different?!  Why was he violating me this way when he knew I wanted to remain pure until marriage?!  And heaven forbid if my mom came down and saw this...she already called me a hoe and slut and I didn't want to think of the verbal abuse she'd throw my way if she saw ME in THIS position!!!  I even had on my purity ring still...afterwards, that came off never to be worn again unless my mom was around.  Finally, he was done.  Shell shocked, as if in a daze, I said goodbye, did whatever I could to make him leave...I think I said I was really tired and I'd call him tomorrow.  I remember giving him a peck on the lips goodbye at the front door, firmly closing it in relief when he finally left.  I slumped down into a ball and cried at the foot of the door...only to pull it together enough to get upstairs so I could cry in safety behind my locked, room door outside my family's hearing.  The tears came for hours and poured out of my eyes as if a faucet that wouldn't turn off.  I muffled my agonized groans with my pillow.  I had to get it all out tonight...my family couldn't know...then it would be even worse.  I couldn't stop shaking!  Everytime I thought I could go to sleep, I'd cry some more. My heart was broken.  I don't think I slept more than a couple hours that night...and then again, more tears, when I woke up.  It really had happened!  It wasn't a bad dream...I had the blood in my underwear and pain in my privates to prove it.  I had no clue what the blood was?!  (My hymen breaking, obviously.)  Oh, man...I had to somehow act normal enough to go to breakfast or my Family would be suspicious. I rinsed my face...nope...took a shower...better but those puffy eyes were betraying me...threw on basic makeup...THERE.  ok, remember, we had fun last night!  Great food!  Yes, he went home at a decent hour.  Ok, ready...go out the door...down the stairs..."good morning!"..."hey (pretend smile)"...ok, they didn't notice.  I have to eat because I NEVER not eat...ug, ok, small bowl of cereal...nausea...finish so you can go cry some more...

It was like this for a week.  And was worst when he called to check on me.  "Hey!"  "hi."  "Did you have a good night's sleep?"  "yup."  "I miss you!"  "M-hm."  Somehow, we got through that week without him noticing something was wrong...at least on the phone.  When I had to go to church, we'll, the anxiety was horrid!  I spent the majority of it in the bathroom with "tummy problems."  Can't do much to hide from my family who knows I loved church without a valid excuse.  I barely saw him...smiled enough to not arouse his suspicions. "Yes,  I'll be o.k. I just need to rest."  The week went by.   I prayed a lot...and Finally was able to forgive him.  I still loved him.  Finally, the day came when I had to go back into the relationship face-to-face or EVERYONE would know something was up and I'd be hurt even more.

OUR ONGOING RELATIONSHIP:

I determined to make us work...I HAD to...somehow we had to get married because we were already physically "one."  It was a lot of acting in our interactions once we hung out again but slowly, I began to trust him again and excused his actions as having been a 1x thing due to anger and fear of losing me...he was making sure I knew he loved me and wanted me so I wouldn't want any other guys.  Unfortunately, the relationship turned physical.  I figured, well, what's the use of trying since he already took It?  I mean we TRIED not to, due to spiritual convictions, but there was less conviction than before.  Ironically, we were literally caught with our pants down playing a stripping game (no touching) a couple months later by a cop who verified our ages, called both our parents and made us re-dress and go home.  THAT was mortifying but nothing came of it. We got pregnant with my firstborn about 6 months later, about 3 months after my 18th birthday when we 1st had sex (which He had waited for so he "wouldn't get in trouble")...I refused to use the condoms he had bought because I felt that meant we were TRYING to have sex and I didn't want to plan to sin.  The only time I ever disclosed about that 1 night before 17 years later, triggered by my daughter's disclosures, was when my mom had found out I was pregnant and I slipped up saying "he forced himself on me and nevermind" to avoid such a verbal lashing, to which nothing was done anyways.  And it didn't help.  Their abuse became 100% worse after they found out I was pregnant...physical, emotional, mental, psychological...

OUR MARRIAGE:

We have not had the perfect relationship but we have been happy enough, handling the myriad of trials sent our way and still loving each other.  That one night had never affected us in the bedroom until I shared about it.  He had never known that THAT night was really what happened to me!  He had interpreted it very differently and now he compared himself to the monsters that hurt his children.  It compounded our parent reaction, that's for sure.  It took me months to be able to finish the conversation with him about THAT night.  The hardest part was his initial reaction to me sharing with him in front of the pastor that he had "digitally raped" me.  He spewed some very hateful, hurtful words at me and the very reason I shared, so I could lean on him to help me with MY triggers because of our kids disclosing to me, was totally blocked & shut down.  He didn't get WHY I hadn't gone to the police back then if it really was that bad...until he calmed down months later and realized, ah, yeah, I had MY mom & dad for parents.  He did apologize...we've been doing pastoral counseling for our marriage but dealing with THAT issue if it comes up.  Lately, he had been struggling to react normally in the bedroom for fear of being interpreted as going against my will.  That is so not the problem...he already has a naturally low libido!  Lol.  Anyways, our pastor exhorted him to believe me when I am constantly, consistently saying I'm fine, I dealt with it ages ago, forgave him, it doesn't affect my intimate time with him EXCEPT when he reacts that way BECAUSE I disclosed it to him.  THEN I get angry, hurt, sad, etc.  Anyways, we're doing amazing now.  And no, he's never done anything else to me, our kids or anyone else to hurt them like that.  I can 100% trust him to be safe.  He is not a pedophile even though technically I was a "child" and he was an adult when IT happened.  He is truly a good man, Reformed in his ways.  He has been such a comfort and rock for our family during this trial.  He is a diligent provider.  He doesn't do drugs, smoke, cuss, porn, etc.  Just the occasional beer which actually makes him happier to interact with!  We are celebrating 15 years of marriage soon and even though I struggled with anger, resentment, sadness, loss of control over choices in my life, etc., I wouldn't trade him for any other man!  He is a wonderful husband & father!

Anyways, that's my story.  The amazing thing is I don't FEEL this as I share it with you...it doesn't hurt anymore because we dealt with it.  It's just part of my story...my testimony...part of my past...our past.  :)