Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
A few nights ago I discovered that my 15 year old step son had secretly video recorded my 19 year old daughter getting out of the shower. He anonymously posted many screen shots of her naked on line over the course of several weeks. Coincidentally, a former classmate saw the photos and threatened my stepson that he was going to report him. Rather than going to the police, the classmate anonymously sent my daughter the link & that's when we found out. When confronted, my step son admitted it. He was upset, but only because he got caught, he is worried that he will be exposed in school. He said he should kill him self. Which has my husband scared. Since that night He has been staying with his mother, with no plans of allowing him back into our house, especially while my daughter is living here. The trauma that everyone is experiencing is overwhelming. My daughter has been so poised & articulate in explaining how she feels. He dehumanized her. He allowed strangers to say aweful, disgusting things about her. All I want to do is protect & support her. I was able to have the photos removed from that particular site but everyone knows that nothing is ever really erased from the internet. My daughter knows that other degenerates saved those images and she will have to always have that in the back of her mind. Besides being betrayed by her stepbrother, my daughter & I are processing another issue. My husband is more concerned with his son, the sick criminal, than my daughter, the victim. He is trying to rationalize why his son did this, practically excusing the twisted kid. My daughter can't even step foot in the bathroom where he violated her. Yet the priority of my husband is that we don't let his son be exposed. My daughter has not decided weather she will go to the police. We all know that if the perpetrator was anyone else we would be pressing charges, without question. Her only hesitation is the fallout within the family. My husband thinks that taking away his son's computers and phone, having to go to therapy & not staying at our house is enough punishment. My daughter & her siblings & I feel like there is no justice. Of course the strain on my relationship with my husband has been very bad. We are in opposition, I don't know if our relationship can survive this. But more importantly, my daughter feels betrayed by her stepdad too, who has been the only father figure in her life for 4 years. She recognizes that he is putting his son over her when she deserves to be the primary concern. I know it's an impossible position for my husband but he should be doing more to support her. He literally said "she'll get over this. I don't know if my son will" I was dumbfounded. I'm at a loss. I don't know what our next step is. Right now my daughter doesn't want us to move out, she did nothing wrong. I don't know how we stay.
My daughter was sexually abused as a child (she didn't disclose that for 15 years), As a student, she was photographed by some guys who drugged and raped her at a party. She told me about the rape (sort of) within weeks, but it took years for her to tell me about having been photographed. All these years since, she has wondered who might have seen those photos. This is a real trauma your daughter has endured, and your husband needs to be set straight if he is to remain your husband.
I understand that your husband is in shock, as you are. His sense of shame must be overwhelming, and he may be fighting the truth by minimizing the pain of your daughter. This is all understandable. And inappropriate.
You might let him know that the real punishment will be if your stepson is not reported now, by people who care about him. He is very lucky to be a minor, because he likely won't face adult charges, He might not end up on the sex offenders' registry. But when he repeats his "mistake" at age 19 with someone who has no reason to want him to be treated fairly -- THEN he will know punishment. It reminds me of that boy in Texas who killed two girls while he was driving drunk, and he got off (!!!!) because his lawyer claimed he was too "affluent" to understand the consequences. He was a minor when he was acquitted, but ended up with a prison term for a subsequent crime when he was 18.
At the moment, though, I hope your very strong daughter is scheduled to meet with a therapist, and that you will seek help, too.
I"m just so sorry for the hurt and turmoil you're experiencing. My heart goes out to you.
I am going through a lot of the same dysfunction with my ex-wife right now. She is seemingly unable to process the reality of our situation. My son (10) and daughter (13) were victims of her boyfriend and she is struggling a lot with that guilt. As our relationship is already strained it is very easy for her to focus her anger on me. It is hard to let her work through this and not return the anger, but in my heart I know that will only make things worse for my children.
I will say a prayer for you and your family.
I can only shake my head and smack my forehead regarding your husband's reaction. Everyone needs to heal, primarily the victim and secondary victims; the perpetrator needs to be held accountable and receive proper therapy, that part of it is cut and dry. How that all comes about and what it looks like can encompass many different scenarios depending on the laws in your state, family dynamics, maturity levels of all involved, etc. Removing the perpetrator from the victim's residence is the right thing to do, removing triggers for the victim is the right thing to do. Finding out what the laws are in your state--especially what they say about the specific ages of victim and perpetrator, and that specific crime and the ensuing repercussions--may give your daughter some guidance in her decision making process. It is awesome that she contacted a support agency and is going for professional support, good for her! Her thoughts and feelings about what happened are right on point and should be validated, especially by her stepdad. I hope and pray he opens his mind, learns what he needs to learn about this, and comes around so he can participate in the best possible way, determined by professionals, not based on his feelings and opinions.
My heart goes out to you all, keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers...