Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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katekatekate 08/04/2017

Hi,

I would like to understand things from the parent's point of view if the abuser was your partner or ex partner.

My dad abused me when I was 11 and through my teens. Leading up to the abuse my dad (separated from my mum) groomed my sister and I. We told our mum he was making us uncomfortable but nothing was done. After the first time he had abused me I told her and she confronted my dad and got angry at him, told him to stay away and said she would got to the police but she didn't go to the police. For about 6 months he was out of our lives then he was coming over to the house to see my young siblings and my mum was allowing him. He had made no threats so it wasn't like she had to do it. I didn't want to see him so I would stay in my room until he left. I started acting out with anger, bullying my younger siblings and some other mischief. My mum would get angry at me. Tension between us got really bad until one day she was in my room hitting me over and over and verbally abusing me. My mum talked about sending me overseas to her parents. Time went by...weeks? and it seemed that wasn't going to happen. Around this time my dad he came over when my mum was out and apologised to me. He said he heard I had been having problems with my mum and I could live with him. Strange as it sounds, things were so bad with my mum I moved in with him at 13.....and the sexual stuff started up soon after and up until I moved out years later and cut contact with him. My stepdad came in to the picture around this time and encouraged my mum and siblings to cut contact with him.

I carry lots of deep pain and anger towards my mum. I don't understand how she ignored my sister and I when we told her about his grooming activities. Or how she allowed my dad in to her home around her other children after I had been abused. I don't get how she couldn't see that my acting out with anger was due to the abuse and then her inviting my abuser in to my home. She was separated so she wasn't in love with him. She wasn't financially dependant on him. Many years on she still doesn't see the error in her ways. She says she did her best. She also has forgotten some details. Can anyone explain this to me please. I know its not uncommon for a mum to go in to denial and ignore the situation. I just don't understand her actions.

angrymom79 08/04/2017

She failed you miserably, and there's no excuse for her actions. Accept the fact that you can't--as a sane person, a good mother, or an otherwise normal person--understand the mind of a sick person. I've had to come to the same conclusion with my mother, who allowed her brother who had molested her son, exposed himself to her daughter, and tried with me, to come around freely with literally no recourse. The same woman who set me up with a 23 year old man when I was 12, and used to take me to bars and try to show men my breasts when I was a kid. Your story is far worse than anything I could ever imagine for myself, but I completely understand the shock and betrayal that you feel, and it hurts like hell. If there is one person on this earth who should protect you, care for you, love you, and always have your best interests in mind, it's your mother. If you're anything like me, there's a part of you that's so desperate to have a mom that you've tried to forgive and forget more times than you can count. I tried to convince myself that somehow she was not herself (my mom was and is a drug addict), and that she was better... and now that her son--my brother--molested my daughter and she's doing everything she can to blame me, my sister, and anyone else who doesn't buy into her utterly delusional narrative, I'm realizing that she's someone who doesn't deserve my love, or my forgiveness. She's a bad person, and I'll never understand her because I'm not. Don't try to understand it: You were wronged and that's all there is to it. My heart goes out to you and I genuinely hope that you can accept everything and move on even though you're so justified in being confused, angry, and hurt. Don't waste any more time on people who aren't worth it, no matter who they are. Big hug to you.

Naive1.2 08/04/2017

Hi, katekatekate. I'm so very sorry that your childhood was robbed from you and that your mom seemed to to nothing to help. When she says she did the best she could, that's either denial, a bald-faced lie, or the truth -- she might have been capable of no better. Clearly she was very angry about the situation and took it out on YOU instead of on the perpetrator.

Is it possible that she took him back in BECAUSE he didn't make threats? It's really common for spousal abusers to work their way back into the lives of the abused by "being really good." For whatever possible reason, the abuse victim thinks the abuser has changed -- or just hopes he has -- and back he comes, into the house where he had committed those crimes.

I may have more to say later. I did want you to know that I was thinking of you.

katekatekate 08/04/2017

Thanks for your replies. I guess I will never understand my mum's actions. It is so bizarre that it is common for a mum to turn a blind eye to abuse or not believe their kid or even blame their kid for the abuse. I know there are also quite a few mums who do all that's in their power to protect their kids and support them after abuse.

katekatekate 08/04/2017

Angrymom79, that is sickening what your mum did to you. Sorry for your childhood and for what happened to your daughter.

Eeyore 08/05/2017

hi there and welcome to this group, your childhood has been taken away by the actions of others that you had little or no control over and that has resulted in you loosing the relationship with your mum which for you probably has both good and bad consequences, I cant even start to imagine how you must feel.
I see things from the mothers perspective and in my situation my daughter whos now 29 was abused by my husband (her step dad) when she was a teenager but she didnt tell me till this year and in the last 7 months my life has turned upside down, never once did i not believe her and i have supported her throughout, it was so hard as he denied everything and still does so for me i know one of the two people i loved most in the world is lying to me, but as a mum my instinct stays with my little girl and i have stood by her and have left my husband and moved into my own place. I understand why some mums dont do this though it was so hard to leave the person id been with for 28 years, i can understand why some people cant do that and its hurt me so much to do it but my daughter comes first.
for some people its different, i can see how the perpetrator can windle their way back in and gain trust back or even not believe the child, or rather not want to accept or hear the truth, its very easy to bury your head in the sand i've learnt that and how to pretend to yourself it didnt happen.
I hope you manage to rebuild your life. please try not to hold onto the anger of things you cant change. these people are not worth you loosing time over.
take care xx

heartsadx3 08/06/2017

I went thru similar with being molested by my step dad and mom basically sweeping it under the rug by believing his version rather than mine and continuing to stay married to him. I also went thru anger and my relationship with my mom crumbled I had no respect for her or trust. I believed she was an idiot and that rather holds true today when it comes to her husband. I'm sorry you went thru that my mom denied what I told her can't stand to apologize for simple things is very emotionally controlling and abusive, attention seeking, I believe narcissist. Her mirror is very skwered which is how she has to see it in order to be OKAY. I get it I really do.

NurseMommy 08/08/2017

I think things seem wayyy more apparent in hindsight than during the actual events. Now when I look back on my own daughters situation I see all the red flags but at the time it seemed like SHE was the misbehaving, untrustworthy, defiant one. I'm glad she finally outright told me and I could end the abuse and I wish that this trauma and the continuing trauma that effects her life never happened. I have a lot of regrets and I'm sure she felt that it was obvious.

Waterloobridge 08/20/2017

I know how you feel! My mom got angry one day when I confronted my dad when he was looking at me in a inappropriate way. She acts like she can't remember. I don't like my mom much and to be honest when we are kids, our love is different for our parents until we are grown up and see who they are. I don't speak to my dad any more.

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