Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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Jean409 08/29/2017

I am so glad to have found this place. My granddaughter has been through horrific sexual, emotional and physicsl abuse for most of her life at the hands of her mother and step father.

Most of the time i am totally lost as to how to help her, particularly when she hurts herself. She does this by breaking things to cut herself, scratching, biting or banging her head repeatedly against a wall. She rejects and is frightened of any touch that is not on her terms, and I respect that except when it comes to this. Should I be restraining her to stop her? How much privacy can I allow her?

She often wants to be alone in her room and i want her to have her space but I dont want her to hurt herself. She is so precious to me, such a wonderful, clever, beautiful girl. I feel so much guilt for not helping her sooner. I should have known. Now I just want to help her as much as I can, but feel I am not doing enough.

She has limited speech but is a gifted writer, and this is how she prefers to communicate. Is this acceptable, or should I be encouraging her to talk?

I apologise, I keep adding little bits of information as I think of them. We have found that when faced with something she finds frightening (She has many fears of seemingly 'ordinary' situations) it is easier in her if we give her the option of backing out, which enables her to face whatever it is. Previous to this we had been forcing her into situations and I feel terrible for it. We honestly thought we were doing the right thing.

hopefulmama 08/29/2017

Welcome,may I ask how old she is? First and most importantly,you are not to blame,who could imagine such horror!My daughter also self harms and it is a monster to control.How long has she been self harming?My daughter has finally gotten it under control,but it is an addiction.Is she in therapy?We also forced my daughter to do things but in the end it just caused more anxiety,but with exposure therapy she was able to overcome a lot.Ask many questions here,this group has helped me and guide me and without being here I would be lost.Sending hugs,you are not alone.

Jean409 08/29/2017

Thank you so much for your reply. She is 17, but is very young for her age in all aspects bar intelligence. Sometimes though she seems very young and forgets that she's not in that awful situation anymore.
She has been self harming for a couple of months now I would say. Before that she spent a period of months being totally unresponsive after being retraumatised by a medical procedure.
I don't know whether she hurt herself before she came to us. I find it so hard to understand why she wants to hurt herself more after all she has been through.
She is not yet in therapy. The only therapy she would agree to was music therapy, so we began looking into it but she has since been given a place at a very good special school which incorporates therapy into their curriculum, so we are just waiting for her to start there.

hopefulmama 08/29/2017

Omg such similarities,my daughter also goes to a support school.My daughter is 13.Yup hard to believe why they want to hurt themselves.My daughter claims cutting has no pain.She may be under the assumption that therapy means telling your whole horrific ordeal,not true,a good therapist will never push,never.Maybe tell her it is a place to relax,talk if she wants to or just chat.

Naive1.2 08/29/2017

I'm so sorry that your granddaughter has suffered so much. No it's not at all your fault. It sounds as if you now have custody of your granddaughter, so you've already begun to help her enormously.

Your granddaughter sounds to be suffering from PTSD, and absolutely needs therapy. Music therapy is a great start -- good for you for being open to different modes.

Jean409 08/29/2017

Thanks both. Currently she gets very anxious whenever I'm not around and doesn't like to be away from me. She is ok with her grandfather, but she won't let him help her with personal hygiene understandably so I can't leave her with him too long. I don't know how we are going to start her at school, but they have said it will be gradual and not full time at first. But this is another barrier we've had to getting her into therapy - she is very wary of professionals and can become aggressive when she is afraid.
I'm so sorry to hear your daughter is suffering too. Perhaps I need to talk about therapy with her and what it involves, as she may have some misconceptions like you say.

hopefulmama 08/29/2017

Absolutely! My daughter sometimes just sat there and drew pictures,last year on Halloween my daughter was having trouble deciding on a costume,she was going to a school dance and was panicked,her therapist and her spent the session going over ideas.Her therapist was a dance teacher so sometimes they say and watched videos of her class's completions.All of this made my daughter at ease and they formed a bond so my daughter was comfortable talking to her.And you should be allowed in the sessions,ALWAYS,until she is comfortable on her own.I just sat in the corner and read a book unless I was asked to participate.She may go if she knows you are there with her and will stop any talk she is not comfortable with. You can even find someone who will work with the 2 of you together,tell your granddaughter it's also for you so you can help support her better.I learned so much in my daughter's sessions.

Jean409 08/29/2017

That is a fantastic idea, thank you so much. I think we both assumed I couldn't be there. Does your daughter attend therapy at school? It would be so great if A could trust someone outside of my husband and I.

warriormomx5 08/29/2017

Jean409,

You granddaughter sounds SO much like my 10 year old daughter! My daughter does not self harm bit otherwise, we've gone through MUCH of what you're describing. I will encourage you that while it is a difficult path to travel, healing CAN be had! You are taking all the right steps and I'm sure she is 100% thankful for you & your husband's unconditional love! I too was going to encourage you to stay in the therapy session with her and maybe even do it jointly as it involves both if your relatives & the betrayal feelings are mutual. THAT might be a place to start: BETRAYAL
...less detail so not so scary to talk about...or write about or draw about or sing about...whatever she can do to share.

My daughter is doing SO much better 2 years after disclosure BUT every day is difficult. EVERY day is a battle of emotions, triggers, flashbacks, memories, pain, sadness, depression...etc. I still have to help her brush her hair most days and remind her to wear undies & a bra...her room, ugh, don't get me started...but she's past screaming uncontrollably under a bed for 30 minutes with nothing to help her but just being there...which sometimes made it worse.

We all here feel your pain & comprehend your Struggles. Please feel free to share whatever you need to to get both encouragement and answers.

hopefulmama 08/29/2017

My daughter's school has a therapist on staff that does support the students,but be very careful,remember a school employee does not always have your best interest first and foremost.But they should be there for support working and in contact with your private therapist.You should make yourself known at that school and have a meeting with the support staff and inform them if her troubles and what to do and not do.Btw if a therapist says you can not be in the session,RUN,you should always be included according to your granddaughter comfort level.I went In for each session,but now my daughter is fine on her own.Trust your gut,if it does not seem right,move on.

warriormomx5 08/29/2017

Yes, sometimes you have to search for the RIGHT therapist! My daughter is on her 5th and she's perfect for us! Your granddaughter will let you know when you've found the right person.

Jean409 08/30/2017

I am looking for a therapist today but I'm not sure exactly what I should be looking for? Do I need a therapist who specialises in trauma, or abuse, or children or adolescents, I suppose preferably all of the above. How did you find a good therapist?
My granddaughter has torn her room apart several times. Sometimes I hear screams or cries and run up to find her hiding under the bed or in the wardrobe. It is so heartbreaking because she's terrified and doesn't know she is safe now until I remind her and calm her down.
Her abuse also involved neglect and withholding of food. She finds it very difficult to eat during the day and will binge late at night on some very unusual and sometimes unsafe food choices.
I feel so guilty for thinking this. Is there hope for her? Will she be dependent for the rest of her life? Do I need to think about support for when my husband and I aren't around anymore? Are children able to overcome such horror?

hopefulmama 08/30/2017

Jean I am going to private message you my phone number,you can call if you want to talk,sometimes it helps to sort things out.Yes there absolutely can be healing,it sounds like with everything going on you may need very specialized therapy,I have some ideas,my daughter had issues in addition to the abuse but all tied together,I don't feel comfortable telling all her struggles on a forum,not to mention it would take pages and pages.

heartsadx3 09/01/2017

Research children's books there are many good ones that talk about the therapy process and getting better.

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