Well it seems to me you know what to do but your unhealthy family is causing you to second guess yourself? Am I right? So my advice "consider the source". I know all to well the real pressures you are facing. My abuser was my step dad who also abused my three year old daughter. Similarly I was very afraid she would be abused being a girl and I was furious that it happened only a few short years into her life and by my abuser. The reason was my mother in particulars pressure to have the grandkids often. I had gone thru therapy as had my step dad regarding my abuse as a teen. He apologized and my mom was wanting everything to be normal so they could be grandparents. I never felt comfortable with him especially once I had my daughter. There were boundaries in place that he seem to always be just crossing with the kids. Then I find out he's looking at child porn articles all relating to grandaughter etc. Unfortunately he had already got to her before I discovered what was going on. He never claimed any issue with pedophilia and I was older past puberty at time of abuse. My brothers continue to let there girls around him and my mom thinks I made it up, unfortunately no arrest was made in the case and he passed a polygraph apparently so everyone is a apt to just discredit us. In my case I had to cut off contact with my family we also moved several states away so it made it easier to do that. I just couldn't participate in such a dysfunctional dynamic nor did I want my kids to deal with that. It has been very hard for me to accept but I had to. I couldn't make them do anything they weren't going to do.

So that's my story. I wished I'd listened to my gut more and hadn't given in to family pressure. I learned in therapy that family systems are very powerful and difficult to change. The system always wants to revert to status quo that's were the pressure to change gets in the way.

My guess with the son is he has been exposed to preditator behavior by your brother and perhaps other victims or things are going on and they are not safe people. One thing I learned was pedophile does not go away or they grow out of it ... It is a condition to which there is no cure. They will always be attracted to children and children will be at risk being around them.

If you continue with family relationships you will need to accept the family will always be pressuring you to return to the family norm. You have to be incredibly strong and firm with your boundaries and what you will or will not accept. Its your child and your life if they don't respect you then wash your hands. Honestly with history of your brother and his son I don't have much hope that anything would seem them trustworthy even if they did seek help which they are not. I don't believe i, reunification obviously it didn't work out for me. The issue is the pedophilia does not go away. And preditator are very very good always waiting for that split second they can get there way. Knowing the extent of my step dads issues means my children are not safe around him ever. Whether they d like to see him or not.

I agree with heartsad. Your family at best does not take abuse seriously and they will not maintain a safe environment for your daughter. I disagree that the ideal outcome is for these kids to be reunited. I made that mistake and it led to more aggressive abuse. As hard as it may be, I think you need to stay the course.

But also, take cues from your daughter. If she wants and feels safe having limited exposure to this kid, say stopping in to say hello at a holiday meal with lots of other people, try it. It may be helpful for her. But, she absolutely shouldn't be pressured into it by anyone and she should never be alone with any of these people (even your parents might try to talk her into forgiveness that she's not ready for).

I'm also very disappointed in the child welfare structure where you live.

I am truly surprised that your daughter's therapist didn't report the abuse and force her cousin to, at least, be evaluated. You might also consider making the ultimatum that your daughter will never cross a threshold with these people in it until her cousin (and preferably her uncle) get into some certified counseling.

I agree 100% with heartsadx3.Why do families want so badly to sweep this under the rug?If itvwere a stranger who did this would they invite that person to dinner?No therapy,no reunification,no discussion.Your gut is correct and your daughter will be better off.There is a member here who reunited her son and daughter, but with therapy,boundaries and acknowledging that it did happen,she did it the right way, not with her head buried in the sand.Don't let them bully you,you are right.

Thank you for the comments. That is exactly the way I have been feeling. I have talked to multiple child therapists and family therapists and they all have given me the advise that unless he receives counseling than they shouldn't be reunited. They have always said the ideal situation would be ruinification but in the right way. Where both children's counsellors agreed they were ready and could help guide them through that process. It's really difficult when you are the only one standing by the boundaries you have set but I truly feel like it is the safest and best decision for my daughter. I absolutely refuse to brush it under the rug. When it all came out I reported it to CPS myself and discussed exactly what my daughter had told me and what my nephew told his dad. The case was closed within a week. The caseworker never came out to see me or my daughter. She only went and saw my brother (didn't even talk to my nephew). When she closed the case she insinuated to my brother and my nephews mom that I was purposely trying to get my nephew in trouble with the state and I was lying, to watch their backs and be aware of what I was trying to do (which all I did was report what the kids told me). So I agree with the comment above, CPS was a joke and did not do their job in this case. I was hoping they would have required therapy or something for the kids. So I just continued doing that on my own for my daughter and have been very clear to my family that unless my nephew gets the therapy he needs than my daughter is not seeing him again. It gets difficult when everyone in your immediate family disagrees with you and begins blaming you for all the dysfunction this has caused.

OneBreathAtaTime,

I am the member who reunified my son and daughter...NO thanks to CPS! Like you my husband and I reported our situation to CPS and the police on our own. Because nobody local was able to take our son we had him go to another state with a relative that we trusted to help raise him for the next year. CPS closed our case as soon as he was out of the state. Our motto has always been he won't come home until our daughter is ready for it. Luckily she was ready when the relative out-of-state was done raising him 1 year later. Our situation is a little unique because our oldest son who perpetrated on our daughter is also a cancer patient and our daughter was an aggressor with him acting out from the years of abuse she had received from who we call monster family. (This situation is still coming to light but my daughter had weapons used on her, was raped numerous times, sexually molested, verbally degraded, physically beat up, forced to be in child porn, pictures taken, etc. By this family.) Monster family, the parents and all children (3 son's & 1 daughter), had been perpetrating on her and two of my other Sons for years right under our noses. The worst abuse had occurred during the year my son was in the hospital 106 days out of the year for treatment of cancer. It was also the same year my husband almost died and I had lost my license due to a medical issue for nine months. I had also had a new baby. (They knew their victim well because they were our best friends.) My son when he finished chemo went on a YOLO binge where he did everything he thought he needed to do before he died. Unfortunately one of those things was acting out sexually with his sister. All of my children and myself are currently in therapy and I plan on having them continue therapy for as long as necessary. We also continue to call CPS as things come out and report to the police as new perpetrators come to light.

When my son moved back home CPS did not get involved until I shared with my oldest son's therapist about his past of possible sexual abuse from a babysitter and relative. (She took a bath with him and below is the other story.) You see I also was in the same boat that you are in now except the perpetrator at the time when my oldest son was 7 and my 2nd son was 3 was my little half sister, also 7. My little sister had been masturbating since she was a baby always dismissed by her parents. I was extremely naive at this time period of my life and really did not understand how that was a big deal until she came to live with me for a couple months when she was seven. My dad had to go into an AA program for a couple months and her mom had abandoned her so I raised her. She was masturbating so much when I was watching her that even sitting at the kitchen table she would be there playing with her private parts and orgasming! I helped to dress her like a little girl and taught her boundaries but she still acted out with my boys while she was with me which caused a huge family uproar. I was up against practically everyone in my family saying that I was over exaggerating that a little girl can't masturbate and anything she might have tried to do with my boys was innocent touching. I don't know how bad it ever got because my oldest son has blocked out that time. But what I do know is from a letter that I had written my dad at the time with the disclosure of what my oldest son had said. He said she tried to have sex with him and I know from Catching her that she was constantly pulling her pants down in front of the boys and trying to get them to do the same. I also know that it was after this encounter with his half-sister that my oldest son became interested in the female body and began searching for pictures of "naked girls" on the internet. When I told my family that I did not want my sister around my children anymore they said I was overreacting. My husband and I were disowned by my father under the pretense that we were "shunning" my sister due to our religious beliefs. And to add insult to injury my sociopathic father began writing group emails to my family explicitly listing how I was in a cult and why that led to me choosing to not have his daughter be around our family anymore. Somehow he actually swayed all of them to believe his side and it took a long time for us to heal as a family unit and have the other parts of my family accept us as normal when my dad was not around. Ultimately my dad re-accepted us as part of the family and apologized but it took years. (My dad is literally a sociopath and was verbally, physically, emotionally, spiritually abusive to all of us growing up and proclaimed to me many times that he was brainwashing my younger siblings, which he did and they don't remember all the abuse that I do.) We still did not associate with my dad/sister.

Fast forward a few years and my second son was diagnosed with a life-threatening bone marrow disease. My father begged to be allowed to come see him with his daughter in case he died cuz they wanted to say goodbye. During their visit she perpetrated on the boys again. My little boy who was fighting for his life also had to fight for his innocence. My dad had asked if I could watch my sister for one hour while he went and took a nap at the hotel and I reluctantly said yes cuz I felt pressured to do so. I had a new baby girl at that time and she needed to nurse. During the time I was nursing my little sister kept running up the stairs to meet whoever had just come out of the bathroom. I literally got up from nursing at least 5 or 6 times before I actually caught what she was doing with the boys which was pulling their pants down and seeing each other's privates and try to touch each other. After that my husband and I put our foot down and said never again. We said we would only see them in a public setting and only when we were ready to do that. That is exactly what happened when my oldest son got cancer. We met with them in a park under the pretense that we had the right to leave whenever we felt like we wanted to. I also just found out that my sister had been raped and she had extreme agoraphobia as well as other anxiety triggers. I know she is also technically victim from somebody but I did not want that to destroy my children anymore than they already have had to deal with. With all of the new circumstances coming to light we have determined that we will no longer let her be around our family even in a public setting.

In regards to my son, part of the reason that our situation is working is because WE the PARENTS do not deny what occurred nor give him a sense of false Trust. In our household it is a well-known fact that our daughter and son may never be allowed to stay the same room by themselves. Our daughter even shared with us before he moved him that her worst fear is that she will act out on him again. Part of what has aided him in not wanting to ever do this type of thing again is learning that his sister was raped and that his best friend that had seen him through his year of cancer was a perpetrator on his siblings. He had no clue his siblings had been being abused by the other family and he's had to deal with the emotional consequences and grief that come along with learning about the truths that his siblings endured. He also has a daily reminder of the pain and destruction that they had to go through because all three of them have PTSD.

Anyways, my point is, a young perpetrator is only going to become as good as his parents will allow him to be. I know my son is not a pedophile even though he was 15 when he acted out with his sister who was 8. He is not at all attracted to children. But I also know that based upon the situation with monster family, who we've recently learned the parents appear to be pedophiles, all of their children continue to do the things that they do because they keep dismissing it as nothing. But they have to dismiss it as not a big deal otherwise they have to look at themselves and the disgusting things they choose to do! They had the audacity to tell people that their son was innocent of raping my daughter and my then two year old son because the da decided to not prosecute! It's sick. I have two children that have stab scars on their bodies + 3 sharing horrific stories of sexual abuse by this ten-year-old child of theirs. My kids were brought up in a G-rated lifestyle and would never know this kind of stuff if it had not happened to them!

Anyways, my advice to you, unless counseling has been a long-term thing with your brother and his son, and unless all the counselors agree that this should occur, and unless your daughter truly feel safe being around this boy and even her uncle again... do not do reunification.

I would even go as far as to say I would not trust your own parents especially with the way they responded to your outcry of sexual abuse. If you allow your parents to watch your daughter and they just so happen to be asked by your brother to watch his son at the same time and they don't want to talk to you about it, a reoccurrence of abuse could happen. I feel for you because I know it's like to have to cut your parents out of your life for your own and your family's good but you need to do that sooner than later otherwise you will regret it.

I do not have parents that I can lean on because they are both narcissists and as I shared with you my father is also an abusive sociopath with a screwed up daughter. I am grateful that my husband's Mom has at least accepted the abuse from my children and is trying to be supportive of us.

If you can, take a step back from your family and look at it from an outside perspective. You told your parents that you were abused by your brother and they ignored you at best and accused you at worst. You told your family that your little girl was abused by your very abuser's son and they also ignored it. This same family is telling you to get over your fear of something bad happening again and to put yourself and your daughter back in a situation with people who've perpetrated on you in the past and refused to get help to fix their issues and you're the one to blame for this?

Continue to stand strong for what you know is best for you and your daughter and do not Buckle or bend under pressure!